MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS... "The Pirate Menace" Part 1 BY: Paulie Polanos. MSTED BY: Chris Ratcliff MSTER NOTES: Yep, another incomplete one. Not much chance that Paulie will end up finishing this, but I'll leave the MSTing incomplete just in case. [Int. SOL. Mike and Crow are deep in discussion] Crow: I'm telling you, we need a breadmaker! Mike: Look. I never eat bread. Okay, hardly ever. You never eat bread. Nobody on this whole satellite eats bread. Why do we need a breadmaker? Crow: We just do. [Tom enters, somewhat slowly] Crow: Woohoo, it's the Tomster! Tom: [hic] Crow: [confused] What kind of comeback is that? Mike: Where have you been? The experiment's about to start- Tom: I've got [hic] hiccups. Mike: You don't have a diaphragm, Tom. Or lungs. Tom: [hic] Crow: Mike, let's not get on his back. What you need to do in a case like- [suddenly shouting] STEPHEN RATLIFF!!!! Tom: [jumps back] AAAH! Crow: See? Works like a charm. Now, back to that breadmaker- Tom: [hic] Crow: You shut up. [Light flashes] Mike: Ah, Lord Jim is back. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Greetings, boobies. Today you're up against another Monkey Island fanfic, this one called "The Pirate Menace." [SOL] Mike: This isn't some terrible ripoff of the worst Star Wars film yet, is it? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Oh, no. Nothing so good as that. Bite down hard, Nelson. [SOL. Lights, noise, pandemonium] All: WE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] Tom: I think I'm okay now. Crow: If he starts up again, just hold him upside down and give him a good shake. Mike: Does that work on bots? Crow: No, but it might be fun to watch. >THE PIRATE MENACE Crow: I'm sure George Lucas is just quaking in his boots. >Episode One Tom: The pain's just begun. > > >PROLOUGE: Tom: Sounds like a French luxury car. Mike: Or a Winter Olympics sport. >THE PIRATE OF DESTINY Tom: Starring Yul Brynner. >The Caribbean Sea's waves made the ship jolt Crow: Mmm! Refreshing, stimulating Jolt! > as they impacted the side. Mike: The side of anything in particular? Crow: Just the "side". >Captain Steel Hammer Tom: What a handy name. Crow: Wouldn't you know, he's only smart as one. > watched the horizon as the sun began to go down. Mike: Steel Hammer's a hard guy cause he ignores warnings about staring at the sun. >It had been three days since they had left the port of Scabb Island to ship >some voodoo spices off at Melee Island. The voyage had not gone too >smoothly and they were still not at the Melee yet. Tom: "The" Melee? Crow: The one and only! > The pirates on the ship >had many brawls and fights down in the hold every night Mike: [pirate #1] It was a horse! Crow: [pirate #2] It was a mule! Mike: [pirate #1] Horse! Crow: [pirate #2] Mule! > and they were >running dangerously low on grog. Mike: Oh, no! If the grog runs out they won't be drunk anymore... uh, why is that bad again? > Hammer was starting to become >desperate. Crow: Soon, he might actually *be* desperate. Maybe. > If Steel Tom: But he was Hammer the previous sentence... Mike: Maybe this is the author's way of indicating the two halves of Steel Hammer's personality. Crow: Or maybe it's just a lazy mistake. Mike: Let's try and stay positive, shall we? > didn't see a mug of grog for one day, he would >immediately Mike: Start line dancing. > cast himself overboard and keelhaul himself. Tom: Tie himself to the bottom of his ship. Rrright. > The crew was not >a pleasant crew either. Mike: [Steel Hammer, foppish] Oh, you guys! Be nice! > A while ago, they picked up some survivors of a >wreck out by Plunder Island. Crow: What a dastardly, evil thing to do! > There was Sir Alexander Maigle, a stunningly >frightening man Mike: Uh, "stunningly"? > with a freckled beard. There was Haggis McMutton, a >stranger from Scotland, and a young boy about seventeen years old whose >name was LeChuck, a strange boy with a bad temper and a frightening love >for torturing people. Tom: As opposed to the adorable love of torturing people of a, say, Torquemada. Crow: I'm picking up a 'frightening' motif in these survivors. > He also had terrible hygiene, almost as bad as a Tom: Pirate. Crow: No wonder he stands out here then. >skunk. Steel was threatened to throw the boy overboard, Mike: [random pirate] Throw him overboard, or we'll throw YOU overboard! Tom: [another random pirate] Wait, who are we throwing overboard again? Mike: [ditto] Uh... hey, look! Grog! Tom: [ditto] Grog! > but he was just a >freaky teenager going through some changes in his body. Mike: Umm... Crow: What the HELL...? >Just as Steel turned around to see the starboard side, Tom: It was missing, for some reason. > a young boy ran up >to him from the main deck. >"Captain!" called the boy. It was Jimmy, the cabin boy. Crow: ~~The cabin boy, the cabin boy, the dirty little nipper/ He lined his ass/ With broken glass/ And castrated the skipper~~ Tom: Apologies to Matthew Kelly. Mike: And the audience. > "Captain Hammer! Crow: It's HAMMER TIME! Mike/Tom: [groan] >Another fight down in the hold!" Crow: [ring announcer] Yes, it's the FIGHT DOWN IN THE HOLD!!! Only on pay-per-view. >"Ah, damn it," muttered Captain Steel. Tom: Look, you called him "Captain Hammer" LAST FREAKING SENTENCE! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! > This happened about every hour or >so. Mike: What, the captain spontaneously switching names? >"All right, Jimmy, who is fighting this time?" Tom: [Steel Hammer] Whoever it is, they're getting a dose of detention! I'm fed up with these riotous students. >"That boy, LeChuck, sir! And Janson!" Mike: The random crew member who hasn't appeared in this story before now. >`Odd,' thought Steel, `the boy never made any trouble.' Crow: Except for the bad temper and the torturing people business. >"I'll go check it out," replied Captain Steel. With a nod, he walked to the >hatch down into the bunks. He heard the noise from the eating room. Tom: [imitating tour guide] And this is the eating room. Crow: There's no messing around with fancy names on Captain Steel Hammer's ship! Mike: There wouldn't happen to be a Homer Simpson in this crew, would there? >He walked towards the sound of the yelling and drunken cheering, and walked >into the room full of the angry pirates. Mike: Well, *duh*... Crow: You never know. He might have ended up in the room full of Crotcheting Society members. >LeChuck was throwing punches like mad at Steel's first mate, Crow: Rusty Saw. > Janson, >who was a small man with a goatee and a bandanna wrapped around his head. >He was getting his ass kicked by the seventeen-year-old boy who they found >on the sea. Mike: "On" the sea? Tom: Jesus is back... and he's out for revenge! > They >didn't know where the boy came from or where he was going, Mike: This is just a guess guys, but maybe he's going THE SAME PLACE YOU ARE. Crow: Come on Mike, they're pirates. They have to be told this kind of thing. > but they did know Crow: [Janson] Two plus two is four! Tom: [Steel Hammer] I didn't know that. >he didn't like to be bothered, but this was the first time he had reacted. Mike: So how did they know he didn't like being bothered... AARGH! Tom: Tried to make sense of the fic, Mike? >The boy was tall and strong. Crow: Welcome to Random Sentence Theatre 3000. > He had raggy clothes on and a couple of pirate >tattoos pasted on his arms. Crow: With Crazy Glue. All the permanence, none of the pain! > He looked like a pirate at such a young age. Tom: And the sentence just splutters and dies before us. >"DIE!" yelled LeChuck as he charged Janson and socked his chest. Janson >cried out in pain and frustration as he charged at LeChuck, but only met >with the boy's fist. >BAM! Mike: POW! Crow: SPLAT! Tom: KABLOOIE! > >Janson flew backwards Mike: Oh look, you can see the wires. > and hit the table behind him and toppled over a >couple pirates as they laughed drunkenly. >LeChuck put up his hand and said, "That's it! I'm done with you." >At that, he walked towards the door and squeezed past the Captain, and >towards his bunk. Captain Steel walked over to LeChuck, young and vigorous, >sitting on his bed breathing hard. Mike: The author seems to be implying something here. Tom: Let's hope the innuendo goes no further. >"Boy, why did you fight him?" asked the captain. >LeChuck replied, "Because he rubbed off some of my tattoo on purpose to >bother me." Crow: [LeChuck] And it said on the pack it'd last for twenty four hours! What a gyp. >Captain Steel looked at his arm Mike: [Steel Hammer] Yep, that's my arm... hey, I got some nice muscles. > and saw the smudged part of tattoo on >LeChuck's arm, and in disbelief he noticed that the tattoos were stick on. Tom: Well, considering real tattoos don't smudge... Mike: Get the feeling Steel Hammer's a bit of a newbie at the pirating business? >"Those aren't real?" asked the captain. Crow: Nope, and neither are- Mike: [grabs Crow's beak] We'll have none of that. >"No, I'm too young to have real tattoos," barked LeChuck. Tom: Woof, woof! Crow: [LeChuck] I'm also a dog, apparently. > He got up and >walked away. >"Hey! Come back here!" ordered Steel, "You never treat a captain like that! >Now get back here or you will be marooned!" Mike: On what, the sea? Crow: Well, it did say he came from it above... Tom: Man, Steel Hammer's really tough on his crew. Crow: [Steel Hammer] I'm warning you, any more mutiny attempts and I'm making a mark in my little black book! >LeChuck kept walking, to the hatch and onto the deck. Crow: [Steel Hammer] Oh yeah, wiggle that butt baby... >The next day, he was marooned on a small desert island somewhere between >Plunder Island and Melee Island. Mike: That's a very convenient island. Crow: Who was marooned? LeChuck? Tom: I'm betting on Steel Hammer myself. >To Be Continued... Tom: Oh, goody. Maybe we might see what those freaky changes to LeChuck's body are. Mike: LeChuck... puberty... NOT a good image. >The pirate menace Crow: Well, here we are. Tom: I don't know about you guys, but that was one of the more emotionally draining prologues I've had to sit through. >- by Paulie Polanos > Crow: Hey, I loved Rosemary's Baby! Maybe this won't be so bad after all. Mike: Polanos, Crow. Not Polanski. Crow: Oh. Whoops. >"Aaargh!" yelled the frustrated pirate Tom: [pirate] Bloody Explorer! Oe more pop-up window and that's it! > as he struck his sword as >hard as he could against his opponents silver blade, "Every enemy >I've met, I've annihilated!" Crow: That'd be more impressive if this wasn't his first battle. >The other pirate growled and replied with a striking sense of >violence in his voice, Mike: How appropriate. > "With your breath I'm sure they all >suffocated!" >The first pirate screamed in terror as his opposing foe flung his >blade up into the air Mike: [first pirate] Oh, no! My opponent's throwing his sword away! I'm doomed! > and sent the first pirate's sword flying >overboard of the ship. Tom: [first pirate] Wait, I'm supposed to *hold on* to the sword! I got it now. >"Now, LeChuck!" cried the defeated man, now cowering on his knees, >"Lets not be too hasty, now. Come on!" Crow: [first pirate] You can have your thirty percent share in Sun Microsystems! Just... [whimpers] leave me alone! >LeChuck grimaced in hatred and lowered his sword into his sheath at >his side. >"Rottingham," said LeChuck, "I don't want ye back on these waters >again or I swear ye will be wearin' me sword like a shish kebob!" Mike: How do you wear a shish kebob, precisely? >"Alright, LeChuck!" replied Rottingham in an impatient voice. Tom: [Rottingham] Geez, enough with the mortal threats already... > He was >a French man, one to have long curly hair and braided long down >below his shoulders. His goatee curled up at the point and he looked >as fearsome as he really was. Crow: i.e., not fearsome at all. >"Er... now hand me yer treasure and I'll turn ye loose, ye lucky sea >urchin." LeChuck let Rottingham get to his feet and run down to his >treasure hold. Tom: [hic] [pause] Tom: False alarm. > In the meantime, LeChuck walked over to the side of >Rottingham's ship and called to his ship anchored about ten feet >away. "Murray!" LeChuck called, "Bring me my row boat, and then >prepare to receive the treasure!" > >Part one: Elaine Mike: But... I thought we were already in part one. Crow: Paulie must have forgotten about the prologue. Tom: Lucky him. >Hours later... >LeChuck sat in his captain's quarters at his desk writing down >estimates and calculations of the amount of treasure he had in his >treasure hold, Crow: [LeChuck] Hmm... what's two plus two again? Mike: You already used that one. Tom: It fits here as well. > when suddenly, Tom: Dramatic action ensued! > his first mate burst through the door. Crow: Man, talk about crappy sets... >It was a short annoying little man named Largo LaGrande. Mike: Guess who the author doesn't like. >"Captain! We're coming up to Melee Island, we'll be at port in about >ten or fifteen minutes!" said Largo. >LeChuck got up out of his seat and smiled, "Alas, Largo, we have >nearly ONE MILLION pieces o' eight! Tom: Huh? Mike: "Alas, we're RICH!" > Enough to buy a whole pile o' >flowers for my sweat Elaine. Tom: [singing] Girl I'm gonna make you sweat... Crow: I'd be sweating too if I was in this story. > Oh, Elaine how I pine for every moment >of love from your dear sweat lips Mike: *What* lips? Tom: The word's SWEET. Look it up. > and your great eyes Crow: Wow, that LeChuck is one subtle wordsmith. Mike: [Homer Simpson] You know what I love about Reader's Digest? Increase your word power! That section is really, really, really... good. > looking into >me as if I am the king o' the world! Tom: [LeChuck] As if I were Leonardo DiCaprio, you were Kate Winslet, and Celene Dion were singing in the background... Crow: LeChuck seems a little out of sorts at the moment. > Har har har! Crow: Yeah, this fic is pretty funny when you think about it. > I would die fer >thee if ye told me to, and I would... " Tom: Huh? First pirate slang, then ye olde English. What's going on here? Mike: It's Multiple Personality LeChuck! >"Alright, cap, I'll go manage the docking," said Largo quickly and >left. He knew how the captain got when he thought of returning to >Melee Island to see his 'love'. Mike: Quotation marks. So... he doesn't actually love her? Elaine's a chipmunk in disguise? What? > Largo didn't even know why LeChuck >wasted his time with her still... it was just that she plainly hated >his guts, and LeChuck still fell for her. Tom: [Elaine] Here, LeChuck, fall off this cliff. Mike: [LeChuck] Sure thing, Elaine! AAAAAHHHH..... >Anyway, the ship came into port and docked and everything, Tom: Oh, please, stop with the dry technical details! IT'S JUST TOO MUCH! > and the >pirates went to the bar... SCUMM Bar, except LeChuck, he headed for the >mansion. >He walked past the bar and into the Melee village. Mike: 'Cause that's the way you get into the village. Tom: Oh yeah, I know. > He walked past >the houses and stores and the people who lived there and were >walking the twisting streets. Crow: [LeChuck] Strange... feels like I'm in an REM clip. > As LeChuck walked under the clock >arch, Crow: INTENSE! WALKING! ACTION! > he spotted the word STORE on a sign hanging in front of a >building. He walked in. >It was a quaint little store, Tom: i.e., fever-ridden and tumbledown. > with equipment for pirates and the >like. In one of the corners sat a huge pile of flowers. Mike: Because pirates just love flowers! >"Ah! Flowers fer me dear sweat Elaine!" Mike: Not again! Crow: Sweat Elaine - the fantasy idol of choice for nine out of ten Melee Island pirates. Tom: Panting Elaine, Dishevelled Elaine and Heavy Breathing Elaine sold separately. > he exclaimed as he walked >over to them and picked out a whole bunch of bundles. Tom: [slowly] Bunch of bundles... bunch of bundles... bunch of bundles... Crow: That way lies madness. > They were >dying and there were flies flying around them like crazy, but >LeChuck didn't care, he couldn't stop thinking about Elaine. Mike: [LeChuck] AAAH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! >He walked over to the storekeeper behind the booth. >"Ahoy there fancy pants! Long time no see, ye lil' bugger. Not since >the time you stole that sword and shovel from me claimin' that yer >had to borrow them to use fer the three trials!" exclaimed the >storekeeper. Crow: The STOREKEEPER, ladies and gentlemen! Let's all give him a big hand! Tom: [Storekeeper] Hey, this is my big scene! >"Aye, matey, that was a long time ago. Now, let me buy these'm >flowers, eh," replied LeChuck. Crow: Where'd that accent come from? Tom: Which one? Mike: Another personality must have bubbled up. Tom: Forget Multiple Personality LeChuck. This is Multiple Nationality LeChuck! > The storekeeper gave him a funny look Crow: Oh ho ho... >but LeChuck ignored it as he forked out a lot o' money for the >storekeeper. Tom: Uh, LeChuck, you're supposed to be buying the *flowers*... Crow: Hey, the storekeeper isn't averse to making a few extra bucks. > With his arms full, LeChuck walked out of the store Tom: [Storekeeper] Oh, Charles... Crow: [LeChuck] Oh, Storekeeper... Mike: Stop that. > and >down the street to where another arch began a path out across the >cliffs to a mansion out a little ways. It was the Marley mansion, >where Elaine lived. Mike: Thanks for the info. >* Tom: Oh, look! It's a little scene divider, all by itself. Crow: Poor guy must be lonely. >LeChuck quickened his pace up towards the door as he got closer and >closer. His arms began to get tired from the heavy weight of the >ugly flowers. Crow: He gets tired carrying FLOWERS? Man, LeChuck is a wimp! > To LeChuck, the flowers were pretty and smelled great. Mike: There's that word again... Tom: From now on, everything will be described with the adjective 'great'. >But they were really just a bunch of dead venus flytraps, brown with >age and drooping down as they slowly withered into a tight bud of >sadness. [All start sniggering] Crow: Enrol ye now in the school of twee metaphor! > Pirates think anything is beautiful, and any pirate would >be stupid enough to buy a lovely girl some ugly dead venus flytraps. Mike: Uh... huh. So LeChuck isn't insane, all pirates are insane. Tom: This story is insane if you ask me. >He walked up to the door and knocked. Mike: What happened to the piranha poodles? Tom: The Marleys musn't have them yet. This is a prequel, you know. >Elaine's father opened the door and looked at LeChuck with anger. >"LeChuck, how many times do I have to tell you, she doesn't feel >this way about you," said Mr. Marley. Crow: [Mr. Marley] But I do! Mike: Crow! >"Er, sorry sir. I just can't stop thinkin' of her sweat lips All: AARGH! > and >tender body. All: AARGH! > Let me give these beautiful flowers to me pretty >Elaine!" replied LeChuck. Mike: [LeChuck] I promise, we'll be back by ten! >Mr. Marley's faced dropped when he looked at the dead, dry, brown >venus flytraps that LeChuck held. Then he smiled; this would be very >funny indeed. Tom: Funny, macabre, same difference. Crow: [Mr. Marley] The psycho stalker's back! Heh heh heh, what a gas. >"Elaine!" Mr. Marley called into the mansion, "Someone here to see >you!" Mike: I'm starting to wonder about Mr. Marley's credentials as a father. >An answer came from inside, "Father! If its LeChuck, tell him to go >jump in the lake and DROWN!" >LeChuck's face went red as he saw Tom: He was being taped by Candid Camera. > Elaine walk across the living room >and stopped ten feet from the door and stared at LeChuck with anger. >She stared at the venus flytraps in LeChuck's arms and yelled, "You >bastard! Crow: [Elaine] Venus flytraps? Where's the cash? > I told you to never come here again... " >"My sweat plunder bunny!" exclaimed LeChuck, Mike: Now we're getting ridiculous. > walking into the >mansion and up to Elaine. "Argh! I bought these flowers to resemble >your pretty eyes and your elegant style, baby." [All stare at the screen in utter disbelief] Tom: I'm *really* not getting a handle on LeChuck's argot here. Crow: Paulie does know LeChuck's a pirate, doesn't he? He does know the games aren't set in 1982, doesn't he? Mike: The part of LeChuck will be played by Barry White. > He handed the >flytraps to Elaine and she made a disgusted look and looked at her >father. He was laughing at LeChuck from behind. Crow: Eeek! Mike: What? Crow: Doom of Monkey Island flashback. Mike: Oh yeah. >"No thanks," replied Elaine handing the flowers back to LeChuck. >Elaine's father walked over to Elaine's side and stood there. Then >he said, "LeChuck, I think its time for you to go." Crow: [Mr. Marley] We've all had a bit of fun, but enough's enough. >"Alas, sir, I must give my sweat Elaine Mike: And stop calling her that! > a goodbye kiss before I go >out to the pirating world," said LeChuck, and he leaned forward to >kiss Elaine. >She ducked and LeChuck missed her lips and kissed Mr. Marley >instead. All: COMEDY! Tom: Geez, first the shopkeeper and now Mr. Marley. There something you're not telling us, LeChuck? >"LECHUCK! GET OUT, NOW!" yelled Mr. Marley. He punched LeChuck in >the face and pushed him to the door, where LeChuck bolted out the >door and away from the mansion as the door slammed shut. >"Whew! That was a close one," sighed LeChuck. Crow: [LeChuck] I nearly kissed Elaine! Ugh, girl germs. Mike: Uh LeChuck, you've just been thrown out by the father of the woman you're madly in love with. Shouldn't you be a bit angry, or trying to get back inside, or SOMETHING!! Tom: He must be drugged up to the eyeballs. There's no other way to explain it... Mike: Who, LeChuck or the author? Tom: Uh, both, probably. > He was all alone now, >his crew somewhere out drinking grog and passing out in stupid >drunken states of mind as he stood here sad because of Elaine's >father throwing him out in front of Elaine. Mike: You're a PIRATE, LeChuck! Burn the house down! Kidnap Elaine! Just STOP FREAKIN' MOPING AROUND!! Crow: Since when has LeChuck been such a wuss? Tom: I blame that fake tattoo in the prologue. Crow: You mean proLOUGE. Tom: Whatever. > 'I'll prove my worth to >her! Ye'll see!' thought LeChuck. >A few hours later, LeChuck watched as the stars dotted the sky over >the rolling sea as the tide came in. He sighed and decided to go to >SCUMM Bar and maybe get a few drinks. Mike: [LeChuck] Maybe some booze will get me back in character. >He arrived at SCUMM Bar a few minutes later and he entered the small >building. Pirates from all over crowded the small grog tavern. Largo >stood on a table dancing stupidly and taking off his pants in front >of everybody. All: [shudder] Mike: Of all the scenes you could have showed us, fanfic, why this one? Crow: The pirates are finally finding out how short Largo *really* is... Tom: [whimpering] Somebody, please, make it stop... >LeChuck ignored the drunken Largo and walked over to an empty chair >beside a tough looking pirate. >"Ahoy matey," said LeChuck, "Is this spot takin'?" Mike: SHUDDER as the fearsome pirate LeChuck ASKS TO SIT DOWN!! >"Aye, sir. This be me brothers spot," replied the pirate. LeChuck >sighed, "Better find me another spot then." Tom: I guess so... AARGH! STOP THIS INSIPID RUBBISH! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP- [Mike whacks Tom's dome. He calms down] Tom: Thanks Mike. Mike: Better? Tom: Maybe... > He walked over to >another empty chair, but before he even asked to sit down he was >waved off a secondtime. Crow: Oh, what I wouldn't give for Captain Steel Hammer to show up right about now... >Finally, he went over to the table that Largo was stripping on and >tried to sit in another empty chair Tom: LeChuck wants to be close to the action. > but another pirate grabbed his >arm and pulled him away. Mike: The god of pointless scenes strikes again... and again... and again... and AGAIN... Tom: Actually Mike, this scene isn't pointless really. Mike: How so? Tom: Paulie is showing us how much of a wuss LeChuck is. Crow: And why would he do that? Tom: Oh, I'm sure it'll all get explained by the end. [pause] Mike: Uh... you *sure* you're all right, Tommy? >"That is my chair, ye scurvy lubber!" the pirate bellowed. >"Ye snooze, ye loose, sucker. HAR! HAR! HAR!" jibbed LeChuck. Mike: GASP as the fearsome pirate LeChuck STEALS A CHAIR!! Tom: Hey, it's no laughing matter. You watch, in a few years time it'll be spitballs at the ceiling and potatoes in car exhausts. Crow: Help me... >The pirate growled and reached for his sword... LeChuck grabbed his own >sword first and sliced off the man's arm. It fell to the floor with >a thud and the pirate ran out of the bar and out into the night. Mike: [pirate] Medic! >"Noone bother me," yelled LeChuck at everyone in the bar, all >looking at him. "I'm in a bad mood right now." Crow: [LeChuck, a la Ash] You want some? Huh? You want a little? > LeChuck sat down and >ordered grog from the bartender as he passed by into the kitchen. Mike: Did you know the word 'Grog' wasn't actually coined until 1740, and so couldn't have existed in the seventeenth-century world the Monkey Island games are supposedly set in? Tom: Wow, Mike, that's incredibly fascinating! [pause] This fanfic's getting to me. >* Mike: [singing] All the lonely scene dividers... where do they all come from... >LeChuck sat at the bar late into the night and when he finally felt >tired, he left to his ship for a sleep. Tom: Sounds sensible. Crow: What is this, a Pirating for Dummies textbook? > As he walked along the board >docks, Crow: It'd be great if all fanfic characters were issued with pogo sticks. Tom: Why? Crow: Because then we wouldn't have to read about them WALKING EVERYWHERE! > he spotted something glinting in the water by the dock. He >leapt and reached down to pick it up. It was a huge diamond ring >glowing in the moonlight. >LeChuck smiled and chuckled. "Elaine will appreciate this!" He >bolted up the docks again and past the SCUMM Bar into town. >A few minutes later, he was standing at the Marley Mansion door once >again. Crow: It's GROUNDHOG DAY! > He knocked and Elaine answered. >She exclaimed with anger, Mike: I don't think it's necessary to point out the anger now, Paulie. > "How many times do I have to tell you >LeChuck! Tom: I don't know. How long is this fanfic going to be? > I just don't feel that way about you!" She raised her fist >to punch him but he raised the diamond into her face. Tom: What? Crow: Is he shoving it up her nostril or something? >She couldn't take her eyes off it, it was so beautiful. Crow: Okay, that's it. Elaine is now officially out of character. All hope is gone. Shoot me now. >Har! LeChuck thought, 'She's mine now!' Just as she was going to >grab it, Mr. Marley walked into the mansion lobby. Mike: Uh oh, here comes wackiness! Crow: Duck and cover! >A few minutes later... Tom: Several kooky sound effects later... >LeChuck lay sprawled on his back on the path leading to the town. Mike: Stargazing. Tom: Really? Mike: Hey, with this LeChuck, anything is possible. >Mr. Marley had beaten him Tom: At backgammon. > and thrown him on the path to leave. >LeChuck was getting really angry now. He needed to get to Elaine >and... well, love her. All: Eww! >"I'll prove my worth to her if it's the last thing I do!" LeChuck >said to himself. He got up and headed to town. >As he walked into the village, he saw the storekeeper's sign and >stopped in front of it. He suddenly had and idea! Crow: [LeChuck] A perfume that smells like the beach! > He would find a >mystery or a dangerous place in the Caribbean and he would sail to >it. Tom: Any particular reason? Mike: It's got to be more fun than this fanfic. >He walked in and was greeted by the storekeeper again. >"Ahoy there fancy pants!" the storekeeper said. Crow: It's GROUNDHOG DAY! > LeChuck walked over >to him. Tom: And this is important because... Mike: Maybe the storekeeper's deaf, or... no. I'm fed up with making excuses for this story. >"Excuse me storekeeper, but are there any sacred or deadly places in >the Caribbean that no one has ever returned from?" asked LeChuck. >"Of course!" replied the storekeeper, "There's the Secret of Bulky >Island, The Secret of Tanga Island, The Secret of Haiti... " Mike: Who named these islands nobody's ever returned from? And how does anyone even know where they are? Crow: Mike, you're thinking about this too hard. >"Which mystery is the most deadly and hidden?" bellowed LeChuck. >The storekeeper smiled, "Why, the legendary Secret of Monkey Island >of course!" >"Monkey Island?" LeChuck thought for a minute. "Where is it?" >"Legend has it that it is a great distance east from here, and lies >within a voodoo realm different from our reality, or something like >that, I don't really know," replied the storekeeper. Crow: [Storekeeper, bored] Whatever... Mike: Way to sound authoritative, old guy. >"Well, thanks anyway, old man!" LeChuck turned and walked out of the >store and walked up towards the Marley Mansion once again. >He stood in front of the door and knocked for the third time >tonight. Tom: Man, what an exciting night this has been. >Elaine answered again. Crow: It's GROUNDHOG DAY! Mike: Do you have to keep doing that? Crow: It's either this or go insane. >"LECHUCK! DON'T EVER COME HERE AGAIN!" screamed Elaine. Mike: I don't remember Elaine being this highly strung. Tom: I don't remember any of the characters acting they way they have been in this fic, Mike. >LeChuck said, "Elaine, please let me prove me worth to ye. I'm >settin' off to find the Secret of Monkey Island fer ye!" >Elaine was furious, Mike: [Elaine] I thought we buried that scandal! > "LeChuck, DROP DEAD! Literally!" She slammed the >door in LeChuck's face. Crow: LeChuck has a door built in his face? Weird. >"Fine then!" LeChuck yelled at the closed door, hoping that Elaine >could hear him, Mike: [sobbing] Make it stop... Tom: [sarcastic] Thanks Paulie, I thought LeChuck regularly carried out conversations with inanimate objects. > "I just might!" Crow: Me too, the way this is going... >He turned and walked towards Melee Village again, intent on truly >finding the Secret of Monkey Island... and proving his worth to Elaine! Tom: And finding a really boss Thickshake recipe! Crow: Hey, it's over. Mike: That's it? Not that I'm complaining, mind... [1...2...3...4...5...6...] -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Paulie Polanos.