[Int. SOL. Crow and Tom enter, apparently in deep discussion] Crow: ...All I'm saying is that Fawlty Towers is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory- Mike: Great. You're here. Tom: What is it this time? Mike: Dr. F. wouldn't say. All he said was it was a little different. Tom: ...Which means? Mike: Who knows? I just hope it's not another meta-misting. I've still got a headache from the last one. Crow: Maybe he'll give us something so good we won't be able to riff it at all! Mike: Not likely. Crow: Can't hurt to hope. [Light flashes] Mike: Oh well. Let's see what Ningauble has to say. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Hello, chumps. All set and ready for today's hurting? [SOL] Mike: What is it this time? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Well, it's a fanfic that I've dredged up from the depths of the Internet- [SOL] Crow: Great. What dreck is being deified today, then? Babylon 5? Quantum Gate? Gummi Bears? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Wrong, Crow. Today's fanfic is not based on a TV show. [SOL] Crow: Like that narrows it down much. Is it Sonic the Hedgehog? Mario? Final Fantasy? [Deep 13] Dr. F: And it's not a videogame fanfic either. [SOL] Crow: Oh. Tom: [confused] I don't... what it's a fanfic of, then? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Welcome to your first ever piece of computer game fanfic. It's an *exhaustive* story set in the charming world of Monkey Island. [SOL] Crow: "Monkey Island"? Tom: What on God's green earth is *that*? Mike: Oh, I remember that game. Crow: [muttering] Great. Meat boy here's got more background knowledge than us. This is gonna hurt. [Deep 13] Dr. F: And hurt bad, I hope. The author's Morpheus, the story's called "Resurrection", and the theatre's over there. Get cracking. [SOL: Lights, noise, pandemonium] All: WE'VE GOT MYSTERY STORY SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] > Deep in the Caribbean, Monkey Island Mike: Well, here we go guys. Another day in the trenches... > Deep in the Caribbean, Monkey Island... [pause] Tom: ...yes? > > > Tom: I'm still waiting. Mike: I've heard of sentences trailing off, but headings? > "Hurry up, maggots!" shouted the skeleton. Tom: A skeleton equipped with vocal cords, apparently. > "Can't keeps the Lord of the > Undead waitin'! Move, move, move!" Mike: Must be an action movie. Crow: "Go go go! Move move move! Run run run!" > > The other skeletons walked as fast as they could Tom: They were in preparation for the 2006 Undead Olympics. > without tipping the > scarlet pillow they held. Each skeleton held one corner of the pillow and > never looked under the black box that was on it. They came up to the > skeleton that yelled at them. Mike: [skeletons] "Hi, skeleton that yells at us." > > He had a white shirt and green pants Crow: Ow. Now that's a fashion victim. Mike: Beats the reverse, I guess. Tom: Why is a skeleton wearing clothes anyway? It's not like they need protection from the elements or anything. > with a dull and notched cutlass > trapped between his belt and ribcage. Mike: [cutlass] Lemme out! > On his skull was a wig that curled > upwards at the front. Crow: [starts to speak] Mike: [clamps Crow's beak shut] Any _There's Something About Mary_ joke you were going to make, forget it. > Illuminating emerald pupils were in his eyes as a > symbol that he had within him voodoo power, but not necessarily could use > it. Tom: [laughs] Well, that's useful. > His name, like him, was bad to the bone Mike: Literally! > and ugly as a dog: Largo > LaGrande. > > Behind Largo was a throne of gold covered by a blanket of ice. Like the > throne, the room was ice, Tom: But he just said the throne was gold! Crow: Maybe the gold is cold. Mike: Great. Stuck in the theatre with Dr. Seuss. Crow: Hey! > and so was its ruler. A dreaded ice demon he > was, Mike: But only if you're living somewhere really cold. In the Sahara he's not very dreaded at all. > drawn from boulders colder than death itself. Crow: Oooh. What a metaphor. > He died years ago and > since then, died numerous times more, Crow: Since he enjoyed it so much the first time. > taking reincarnations each > resurrection. Tom: "Reincarnations each resurrection"? Was he reincarnated, or was he resurrected? Mike: Yes. > All this turmoil because he met a pirate wannabe, Tom: [confused] He met someone pirating Spice Girls songs? Mike/Crow: [shudder] > who stole > the woman Mike: [singing] Now who stole the woman from the cookie jar? > he was meant to be with; or at least, he believed he was meant > to be with. Tom: And this distinction will become important later on. > > "Where is it?" he roared. > > "Yessir, Captain, sir," said Largo. "I-I've brought you the gauntlet." > > "At last!" smiled the captain. Tom: That's a loud smile. > "The time has come for me to finally rid > the world of Guybrush Threepwood and take Elaine Marley as my bride. But > you know, I've been thinkin', Mike: [Largo] Good for you. Crow: [Captain] Shut up. > maybe I should kill Guybrush before I take > Elaine. He's defeated me three times now. Mike: [Captain] I kind of suck. > I don't know why I didn't think > of it before!" Tom: Because you're dumb? > > Maybe because you're such a simpleton that you wouldn't know when to even > put some decent clothes on, for crying out loud, Mike: Ummm... why is the author getting mad at his character? > thought Largo. Mike: Oh. Tom: This from a man who wears green pants. > "I wish I > shared your intellect, Captain." He called the other skeletons to take the > pillow to their ruler. Tom: Pillow... ruler... ? Crow: I've got this bizarre image of preschoolers performing Masonic rites. > > The captain removed the black box and inserted his bony hand into the > gauntlet beneath. It had strange symbols engraved along the wrist and a > piece of paper wrapped into a cylinder as the middle finger. Crow: Whoops, that's gonna affect the resale value... > The captain > looked curiously at it Mike: [captain] Duuuh... pretty. > and then faced Largo. > > "Where is the finger?" he asked. > > "Huh?" asked Largo. All: HE SAID WHERE'S THE FINGER! > > "The Finger of Life!" roared the captain. "Where is it?" > > "Well, it's," started Largo, "right there. Inside the paper." > > "Get me the Finger of Life, you overgrown dog food!" yelled the captain. > > "Yes sir, Captain LeChuck, sir," said Largo. He ran away to assemble an > armada. Mike: But I didn't think LeChuck wanted an armada. Crow: You just can't get good help these days. > > > Crow: Well, we're through the prologue. Tom: That wasn't so bad. I think we might be able to survive this one. > > Part One: The Witch Doctor's Treasure > > The mansion on Governor Island was alive tonight. Mike: It acquired sentient powers every alternate Thursday. > On this fine day, Mike: Or night. > it was > the first anniversary when Elaine Marley, Governor of the tri-island area > of Melee, Booty, and Plunder, married pirate hero Guybrush Threepwood. To > celebrate, Guybrush had a ship built for his beloved, Tom: And he also gave a toaster to Elaine. > the _Governor_ (now, > ain't that appropriate). All: [groan] Mike: Authorial intrusion: your guide to quality fanfics. > It was meant to be a cruise ship but Crow: There had been a mixup with the plans, they'd ended up with a coracle instead. > was > equipped with the most advanced cannon technology in the Caribbean as > well as extra armoured plating beneath the wood to withstand cannon fire. Crow: All this armour plating meant it would sink like a stone on the open seas, but you can't have everything. > Guybrush, being the warm-hearted ghost-busting stud he was, Mike: Well, that's what it says on his business card, anyway. > needed no > present from Elaine, only her love. Tom: Nice rationalisation, Guybrush. Mike: Y'know, usually it's the *husband* who's supposed to forget anniversaries. > He had no fear whatsoever of LeChuck > coming to take Elaine. Tom: Was that foreshadowing? > > Guests ranging from the arcane Voodoo Island to nearby Barnacle Island > came to celebrate. Mike: Some pranksters had hung 'GUYBRUSH IS DEAD' posters up around town. > The infamous classical music pirate band, Bullet Holes, > was there performing. Fish, bananas, and fruit cocktail were laid out on > the table. Crow: And all in the one bowl! > The guests were attired in bright and colourful costumes and masks. Mike: Death wandered past, clutching cheese cubes and a small pineapple in one bony hand. > > Suddenly, a hush came over the audience. Dilbert, the governor's gardener, Tom: Heh... times must be tough in Silicon Valley. > entered the mansion and eyed the staircase. Crow: Dilbert sounds like a pretty dynamic character. > A man in his early twenties > was descending to the living room. Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, our hero. > He had light brown hair Crow: Heaped up in a bucket beside him. > with a ponytail > at the back of his head and a goatee encircling his mouth. A polished > cutlass Mike: Yeah, I always like to show up at parties ready to slaughter somebody. > and a gold-buckled belt augmented to his fancy black raiment. Mike: Never use the word 'raiment' again. Or 'augmented', come to think of it. Crow: Shouldn't there be a verb in that sentence? > He > had a white shirt underneath his velvet jacket as well as long white > hoses. Tom: I don't think now's the time to water the garden, Guybrush. > > The man turned his head from side to side, Crow: Scanning the crowd for snipers. > looking at the crowd. "Don't > stop the party at my account. Continue!" he smiled. [silence] Mike: [Guybrush] ...please? > > As the celebration resumed, the man walked over to a frame on the wall > above the fireplace. Four map pieces were held inside as they told the > location of the legendary treasure of Big Whoop. It brought back old > memories. The man suddenly noticed Dilbert coming towards him. Tom: Holding a rusty pair of garden shears in one hand, Dilbert advanced, grinning crazily... > > "Congratulations, Guybrush," he said. Crow: You've won a NEW CAR! > "After journeying from the flaming > depths of Monkey Island past the clutches of the Demon Pirate LeChuck, > you've finally got your prize." Mike: Okay, who let Mr. Exposition into the party? > > "Thanks, Dilbert," said Guybrush. "Why don't you take the night off. Join > the fun." Tom: He's on call 24/7, and Guybrush gives him the night off. How generous. > > "Thank you for the offer," said Dilbert. "However, I must refuse. Whether > it be a party or a public burning, Crow: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Mike: Do you have to do that every single MiSTing? Crow: Sorry. > I can't leave my garden. Mike: [Dilbert] Or you'll sack me. > I'll be all > right." > > "Okay," said Guybrush. He watched Dilbert open the door and disappear into > the night. Of course, he'd only be behind the mansion watering the plants. Mike: Phew. I was worried about Dilbert there for a second. > > Guybrush tried chatting with the guests, who ignored him. Tom: Ouch. Crow: Well, if they're not Guybrush's friends, what are they doing there? Mike: At least the author is getting Guybrush's essential character right. > Then, he saw > someone with a rather unusual costume. Leaves made sure his... ahem! Crow: Aww, don't be bashful... > ... secret places remained hidden and he had a large lemon on his head > with holes cut for eyes. However, Guybrush could never have forgotten one > such as he. Mike: "One such as he"? Who's writing this, Tolkien? > > "Lemonhead!" Tom: Taffy ears! Crow: Chicken arm! Mike: Jelly mouth! > he cried. "I haven't seen you since the wedding!" Crow: Lemonhead is a wanted felon. > > "Tell me about it," said Lemonhead. Tom: [Lemonhead] Most of that period is a complete blur. > "You haven't changed a bit. I still > remember how grand the wedding was. Mostly because of that picture," said > Lemonhead, pointing to a photo. Tom: It's a picture of the Eiffel Tower. They hung it up at the reception and everyone pretended they were in Paris. > > In the photo, Guybrush was facing Elaine as his pirate barber friend > Edward Van Helgen acted as the minister. Tom: He took bribes from mining companies and property developers? Mike: Uh, wrong minister, Tom. > Lemonhead had his arm around > second pirate barber Cutthroat Bill Mike: Now *that's* a name that's going to get you ahead in the barber business. > and was clutching hard on his biceps. Crow: Lemonhead was clutching his own biceps?! Mike: Not quite... > What's a cannibal to do? Tom: Eat people? Just a thought. > thought Guybrush as he continued to examine the > picture. Sitting next to Bill was Mike: Ted! Crow: "Excellent!" > third pirate barber Haggis McMutton. > Guybrush remembered he'd hosted the Highland Dance Contest. Long-time > friend and pirate cartographer Wally Bloodnose Feed Tom: Bloodnose Feed? Mike: Urgh... I just pictured that. > received first prize: > a Bagpipe Baby doll. Mike: The ill-fated competitor of Cabbage Patch Kids. > And there was Stan, Crow: The gang's all here! > who gave out the invitations at > just the right price. Mike: Yep, that's Guybrush. He's got to sell invitations just to get guests to turn up. > > "Uh, some wedding that was," said Guybrush. "So how's it going?" Mike: The wedding? > > "Oh, great!" said Lemonhead. "I've been given a place in the Cannibal > Institute of Authority." Tom: Rule #1: No eating people without the expression permission of the Cannibal Institute of Authority. Crow: Rule #2: No pooftahs! > > "The CIA?" asked Guybrush with amazement. All: Wah wah waaahhh.... > "I heard you guys offer great ship license plates." > > "Oh yeah!" said Lemonhead, handing Guybrush a plate. "You'll be the talk > of the sea." > > Guybrush peered down at it. It read "I8U". All: Wah wah waaahhh... Mike: I think there's going to be a lot of muted trumpet in this fanfic. > > "I'll think about it," said Guybrush, returning the plate. > > Lemonhead stopped short for a second. At length, he said, "Damn! The > Institute just called me via telepathy. I have to leave. Tom: [snort] Great excuse, Lemonhead. Mike: Must be desperate to leave. And I don't blame him. > Sorry. But here, > take this handbook." He gave Guybrush a booklet that explained about the > Institute and ran out the door. Tom: The booklet ran out the door? Mike: Maybe Lemonhead *does* have telepathic powers. > > Guybrush opened the book. Suddenly, a note fell from it and he picked it > up. Mysteriously, it was addressed to him. Tom: I get the feeling a lot of things are mysterious to Guybrush. Crow: [Guybrush] These letters in our mailbox have our address on them! Incredible! > > *Dear Guybrush Threepwood, > You are in great danger. LeChuck is back and is more powerful than ever. > You must **meet me** *stay where you are aNd wait For our captain to take > you. All: Sayyyy... > Must go, hand Falling out of socket. Mike: I've heard of writer's cramp, but come on... > FINger must get. > > Finger? What finger? Crow: Here, let me show you... Mike: Crow, calm down. > There was something strange about the letter Mike: Guybrush's spidey sense is tingling! > and > Guybrush felt that he had to keep it to himself. Tom: [Daffy Duck] It's mine!! All mine! > He went out the door to > find Crow: The feds had the place surrounded! > Lemonhead but he had already left for the Institute. Guybrush > glimpsed into the book again Mike: "Glimpsed into"? > and discovered that the CIA headquarters was > located on Voodoo Island. He had to start packing. Tom: Uh, why? Mike: He's doing a midnight flit from his digs. > Maybe he should go > through the back door up to his bedroom instead of going back inside > through the front door. Crow: Or perhaps it might be a good idea to go in through the side door. Or maybe he should get the ladder and climb in through a second story window. The chimney was always an option... > It'd cause less suspicion since Elaine should've > been down there by now. > > Guybrush went behind the house Crow: Eww! Why can't he use the bathroom like a normal person? > where he could see the _Governor_ docked > near the beach. He opened the back door and climbed the staircase to his > bedroom. Tom: "His" bedroom? I thought Guybrush and Elaine were married. Mike: Well, maybe on paper... > When he opened the secret door in the ground and got to his feet, > he discovered the room was bare. Crow: They've been robbed! > > Elaine suddenly came up and noticed him. She wore a scarf, her dark > jacket, and her usual bandanna that covered her scarlet hair. "Guybrush!" > she yelled. Mike: [Guybrush, startled] YAAAAHHHH! > "What on earth are you doing?" Tom: He's in their bedroom. What's the big deal? > > Guybrush spun round to face her with an uneasy expression. "Uh, I think we > need a vacation. Let's start packing!" > > Elaine became suspicious. Mike: Gee, I wonder why... > "What's that on the floor?" she took the letter and read it. > > "Elaine, no!" The letter must have fell when I came up from the secret > door, thought Guybrush. Tom: Why would a bedroom need a secret door anyway? Crow: Guybrush probably put it in to smuggle out all his mistresses. > > "Oh... dear... lord," said Elaine. "I have never seen such organised > handwriting turn into garbage like this!" she yelled. > > "Huh?" Guybrush was puzzled. Tom: [Guybrush] Duhhhh... > However, this bought him some time. Mike: Sometimes it's smart to be dumb. > He > finished packing, Crow: While Elaine stood by and did nothing. > kissed Elaine, and started for the door. "Well, I'm > going to the Voodoo Island market. Make sure there's still fish for me > when I get back." Tom: "An if there ain't dinner on the table when I get home at six, I'm gonna hafta give you a whuppin'." > If I get back, thought Guybrush. Tom: You mean there's a good chance he's going to his death? Crow: You go, Guybrush! Full speed ahead! > > "Wait a minute," said Elaine. "Guybrush, you're not going to face LeChuck > alone. I'm coming with you." Mike: [Elaine] That way, both of us will die! Tom: I'm with Elaine. > > "Elaine," started Guybrush, "I'm not facing him. Tom: [Guybrush] I'm facing you! > I need to find out who > sent that letter. And I'm sure I'll find the answer on Voodoo Island." Tom: [Guybrush] Well, sorta sure, at least... > > "Well, I'm never leaving your side, Guybrush," said Elaine. Mike: [Elaine] Your front, on the other hand, can go jump. > "Let's ready > the _Governor_." Tom: --for love! Mike: What? > > *** > > Guybrush and Elaine arrived at their ship. They perceived its figurehead, > which was a seagull, and a dark man standing before them. Tom: Wouldn't they see the ominous man *before* the seagull? > He was short and > wore a cowl. Tom: Well, then he should just cheer up! Mike: Cowl, Tom. Not scowl. > Curiously, Guybrush advanceed towards him. Mike: [Guybrush] This guy looks like a leprechaun. Are you a leprechaun? > > "Who are you?" asked the man. Crow: [Wizard] My name is immaterial. Tom: [Rincewind] That's a pretty name. > > "My name's Guybrush Threepwood and I'm a mighty pirate!" Mike: Sometimes. > > "Really?" said the man. He came out of the shadows and threw down his > cowl. Tom: I cast thee out! > "I'm Dwarfbeard and I sent the letter. Don't think I don't know you, > Guybrush, slayer of the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. One of his henchman ambushed > me at my workshop and tied me to a chair. I escaped using my trusty hook, > Picker." Tom: Ewww! > He held up his hand, displaying his shining hook. "I disposed of > the henchman but not before he took the letter. Crow: But... wouldn't that mean Dwarfbead could just take the letter back? It's not making any sense... > There must be another > undead around here Crow: *Why*? > and we're not safe until we find him." Mike: Actually, you're perfectly safe until you find him. Or he finds you. > > Guybrush and Elaine eyed him. Dwarfbeard was heavily built around the > shoulders and biceps, and had a long beard. Crow: It's a member of Z.Z. Top! > His attire represented him as > an ageing pirate. Tom: The trousers pulled up to the armpits was a dead giveaway. > > "There was mention of a finger in the letter. What's it talking about?" > asked Guybrush. Tom: Nothing. Fingers can't talk! Mike: [sigh] > > "The Witch Doctor's Treasure, an ancient but powerful voodoo gauntlet! > It was never made to be a weapon but it'd be very dangerous in the wrong > hands. Especially if those hands were colder than death but held the blood > of an ancient evil. Mike: Dwarfbeard's being very specific here... > Come! We must return to my workshop and salvage what > we can of my research of it." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] Because, of course, I have no memory at all. > > The trio ran past the mansion Mike: Why the hurry? Crow: Must be a stocktake sale on. > to the city of Seagull's Beak. Tom: Come visit scenic Seagull's Beak! See the lovely lakes! The wonderful telephone system! > It was named > so because early settlers on Governor Island founded the city with the > help of a seagull, Mike: Obviously a very dumb group of early settlers. Crow: How's a seagull gonna help build a city anyway? > who guided them to a building space with its beak. Tom: There's your answer, Crow. Crow: Oh, yeah, like the settlers wouldn't have found it anyway. > Now, > decades later, Seagull's Beak had become quite a tourist attraction. Tom: People came from miles around to gaze at a stone statue replica of the Beak. > It > was home to taverns, markets, pirates, and even circus performers. It was > a busy night because of the anniversary celebration. Mike: They're celebrating Guybrush and Elaine's anniversary here too?! Come on... > > "There it is," said Dwarfbeard. He pointed to a small shack beside Lake > Spittoon, a local bar. "Everything I know about the gauntlet is in the > papers hidden inside the floor." Tom: *Inside* the floor? Not under? Mike: Now *that's* a good hiding spot. > > They entered the dark shack and lighted a lantern beside the door. > Dwarfbeard crouched down Mike: Which, together with his already short frame, made him virtually invisible. Crow: [Guybrush] Hey! Where'd Dwarfbeard go? > and examined a doll on the ground. However, he > turned it over and Elaine and Guybrush found out it was attached to a wood > panel. Tom: But how can he turn the doll over when it's stuck to the *floor*!? Aargh! Crow: [pensive] This isn't looking good... > Dwarfbeard turned a knob on the doll's back Mike: The doll shook its arms, gargled some words, and wet itself. > and the panel was > loosened. He threw it away and took out rolls of paper. Mike: Rolls of used toilet paper, in fact. Dwarfbeard had never been the same since the accident. > > "Here's my research on the Witch Doctor's Treasure," he whispered. Tom: [Guybrush] What? Speak up! > "Many > years ago, I and five other pirates went searching for treasure when we > landed on Voodoo Island. Since we already landed on an island that wasn't > on the map, we searched there. Tom: Err... okay. > Finding the gauntlet was a task that killed > all but the five of us. Crow: Doesn't he mean six? > It was me, Wetbeard, Nerdbeard, Reekbeard, > and Fakebeard. Crow: [annoyed] Up there it said there were *five* other pirates! > Wait! Mike: Looks like the author just remembered too. > There was one other survivor by the name of, > ah, Threepwood." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] No, wait, it was Clarice. Always get those two names mixed up. > > Guybrush gasped. "Threepwood?" Mike: Is there an echo? > > "Yeah," said Dwarfbeard, overlooking Guybrush's surname. "He was a great > navigator. Anyway-" > > "Wait a second," interrupted Guybrush. "Threepwood is my last name." > > Dwarfbeard was silent. Mike: Are you sure? Maybe he's just whispering again. > "Well, he said he only had one child and it was a > girl." Crow: You've got that right. > > "They abandoned me," said Guybrush. Tom: [Guybrush] Nobody likes me. I'm going to eat some worms. > "You knew my father? What was he like?" Mike: [Guybrush] What was his bowling average? Did he wear green shoes? If my father was a salad roll, what fillings would he have? > > Dwarfbeard lay in thought. Mike: Ummm... Crow: I'd rather not know what that phrase meant, thank you very much. > "He was," he said slowly, "well, obedient, for one thing. Crow: "Here, Threepwood! Fetch!" > Again, he was a > great navigator. And, that's about all I can remember. Anyway, we found > the gauntlet through a booby-trapped underground tunnel system. There was > a scroll written in a language we couldn't understand. Tom: [Dwarfbeard] So we used it to light that night's fire. > We took the silver > gauntlet with its golden fingers Mike: "Golden fingers?" Maybe it belongs to Cancer Man. > and the scroll back with us to Booty > Island. A monk translated the scroll and we found out it was all about the > gauntlet." Crow: So they ship magical items with instruction manuals these days? Mike: No wonder they couldn't read it. Must have been in Korean. > He paused. "We can't stay here. To Voodoo Island! There is a > friend who might be able to help us there." Crow: Help them do what? Mike: [confused] I don't know... > > They exited the shack but then were stopped by a group of men just outside > Lake Spittoon. Tom: [Men] Wallet inspectors. Mike: Actually, they're plot contrivances. > They couldn't have been seen since they were hidden in the > night's shadows. Tom: So why did Guybrush and Co stop? Mike: I have no idea. > In on of the men's hands was a human skull, which seemed > to groan at them. However, its voice was familiar to Guybrush. Crow: [Guybrush] You're... you're Wendell, right? Or Susan. Susan? Cliff? Maria? Bob? > > "Murray, it's been sometime." Tom: [Guybrush] But not any more. > > "Shut up!" yelled the skull. Crow: Skulls can talk? Mike: In wacky cartoon universes they can. > The men came from the shadows carrying > Murray, the demonic skull, on a rich pillow. Tom: The pillow owned forty percent of the world's oil. > "You and I need to talk." Mike: [whoever] Not to each other, necessarily. Just talk. > > *** > > Guybrush, Elaine, and Dwarfbeard were taken to the back of Lake Spittoon, > which Murray apparently owned. Tom: How? Crow: Why? Tom: Is anything happening here for any reason at all?! Mike: Stick with it, guys. I'm sure the plot will turn up eventually. > It was a brightly-lit room, but small and > empty, save for a central table. Mike: A hotel with only one table? Crow: Talk about defeatism. > Guybrush seemed to remember the men that > were carrying Murray. Fortunately, there was a window beside the door Tom: And a chair beside the bed. > and > the three men could be seen sitting on a bench. Crow: If you happened to look that way, at least. > There was a thin one with > a moustache, a bloated one who was sleeping, and the last had a peg leg. Mike: Wow. I feel like I've known them my whole life. > > "Any luck with the circus?" asked Guybrush. Tom: Ummm... Mike: Monkey Island in-joke. It's not worth explaining. > > The man with the peg leg eyed him with a puzzled expression. "Do we know > you?" Crow: [man] Biblically? > > "I'm Guybrush Threepwood. Tom: Yes, like you only tell EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE FANFIC! > You gave me PTA minute tests claiming them to be > maps on the streets of Melee Island. And I polished your leg with the wood > polish I bought for you on Woodtick, Scabb Island." Mike: Aah, memories. Tom: I just realised. This whole fanfic is just a clip show linked by scenes of Guybrush travelling around for no reason. Mike: ...And? Tom: [meekly] Nothing. > > The men stared at each other and then back to Guybrush. They had no idea > who he was Crow: Lucky them. > and shrugged their shoulders. > > The man with the peg leg spoke at length. Tom: "Hi, length." Crow/Mike: [groan] > "I don't remember you. But in > response to your question, we had luck but it was cruelly taken away from > us." > > The thin man spoke. "You see, Frank Tom: Who, *our* Frank? > entered a contest to win a ship. Tom: I guess not. > He > thought he could use it to find a place to resurrect the circus. He lost > but the owner agreed to offer him another... for a price." > > "We had to give him 8500 pieces o' eight before he gave us the ship," said > Frank. "We found a place perfect for a circus on Barnacle Island. We made > a tent out of the large leaves that grow there Crow: So this tent's gonna fit, what, maybe four people? > and tamed the animals of > the island's jungle." Tom: Unfortunately, the only animals on the island were the rat, the centipede, and the praying mantis, which kinda doomed the circus from the start. > > "But the rat scared off our elephant," said the thin man, pointing to a > small rat sleeping on the floor. He faced Frank and glimpsed back at > Guybrush. Tom: All right, that's it. I'm declaring an official moratorium on further uses of the word 'glimpsed'. > "Get lost, you depressed us." Mike: And us, too. The three men of low moral fibre > (pirates) Mike: Thank you for that informative, if completely useless, paranthetical aside. > went back to sleep after those words. Tom: SLEEEP! > > Suddenly, a waiter opened the door Mike: Is that really an action that qualifies for "Suddenly"? Crow: Sure, if the waiter threw the door off its hinges. > and set a veiled dish on the table. Mike: At this point, Guybrush began to grow suspicious of the hotel's "Payment before eating" policy. > Guybrush, Elaine, and Dwarfbeard were starved. Tom: By a group of wandering sadists. > Then, Elaine lifted the > cover but there was no food there. Crow: [Guybrush, annoyed] Waiter! > Murray leapt out and scared Elaine half > to death. Tom: Just think, he only has to do it one more time and she'll be dead. Crow: Thanks, Tom. I don't think I can make it through this fanfic with that possibility hanging over my head. > > "That'll teach you to choose the anchor," smiled Murray. Crow: Skulls don't have lips, so how could they tell he was smiling? > > "Um, I'm over here," said Guybrush, waving his hand. > > Murray eyed Elaine Tom: [Murray] Hubba hubba! > and realised it wasn't Guybrush he scared. "Damn. Well, > I'm tormenting you until you apologise for taking the anchor as your > favourite toy instead of me in the Carnival of the Damned." > > Guybrush sighed. "Oh, come on, Murray. That anchor meant nothing to me. I > was thinking about you all along." Crow: Eww! Necrophilia! > > Murray hesitated. "Keep going," he smiled. > > "You know you're the only toy for me. Come on, give me another chance," > said Guybrush. > > Murray laid in thought. Crow: He conjugated Latin verbs and thought about baseball averages. Mike: Crow, you're treading the line. > "Come here and give me a hug!" he cried. Tom: [singing] Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me... > > "No," said Guybrush. "Look, we really must be going." Mike: [Guybrush] It's the plot, remember! The plot! The *plot!* > > "Aye," said Dwarfbeard. "'Tis a dangerous journey we are about to embark." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] We're heading down to the corner store. You have to cross two streets *and* there's a set of traffic lights. Crow: [Guybrush, nervous] Ooh, I don't like the sound of this... > > "Really?" asked Murray. Mike: [Dwarfbeard] No. I'm lying. > "Then I'm coming with you. And so are my three > pirate friends outside. Poor losers. Mike: [pirates] Hey! > That circus idea just had its ups and > downs." Tom: And ins and outs and lefts and rights... > > "Well, what are we waiting for?" smiled Guybrush. "Onward to Voodoo > Island." Mike: Onward! Tally ho! > > "Whoa," said Murray. "Voodoo Island? That place is dangerous. Crow: [Murray] Guess I better not come along, after all. > You better > take Frank's map." Crow: [Murray] We can fold it up into a water bomb. > > "Thanks," said Guybrush. "Well, come on!" Mike: [Guybrush] Remember the plot? The PLOT! > > *** > > Guybrush held the map before him while he rested his arms on the steering > wheel of the _Governor_. Tom: Steering wheel? Is this a ship or a car? Crow: Well, you can certainly see all the extensive research that's gone into this fanfic. > Barnacle Island was at the top centre of the map > with Melee opposite to it. Southwest of Barnacle was Scabb with Phatt > Island below. Booty was southeast of Scabb and southwest of Phatt. A > little down south of Barnacle was Governor Island with Voodoo Island east > of that. South of Voodoo was Plunder Island, south of which was Skull > Island. East of Skull was Blood Island and south of that was the accursed > Monkey Island with its isle, Dinky. Tom: No one will be seated during the thrilling "reading the map" scene! > > If only Bulky Island was on this map, thought Guybrush. Mike: Yes. If only. > However, it wasn't > Bulky he was going to, it was Voodoo Island. They should arrive at Voodoo > Island by noon if the wind didn't change. Maybe then he will learn more of > this gauntlet. Mike: Thanks for the foreshadowing. > > Guybrush scanned all of the other islands. Tom: ...and put them up on his web page. > Barnacle Island was one of his > choices for a vacation spot but he gave it up for Eyepatch Isle. He knew > Barnacle Island because of its commercial use. Crow: It was worth twice as much as Park Place! > His barber pirate friends > moved their business there and there was a hotel for retired or > unsuccessful pirates. Mike: Yep, that sounds like Guybrush, all right. > The Dull Blade, thought Guybrush. He heard rumours > that his friend Herman Toothrot settled there. Crow: Hence the decision to choose Eyepatch Isle instead. > > *** > > "Well, here we are," said Guybrush. "Voodoo Island." Mike: Guybrush is the resident State-The-Obvious guy. > > "Aye," said Dwarfbeard. "'Tis a fine place to be if ye have a hankerin' > for some Tom: Double-mint gum! > headhuntin'." > > Gross, thought Guybrush. Mike: It's Guybrush Threepwood, Valley Girl. Crow: "Dead bodies? GROSS!!" > "Perhaps... later." > > After the crew got onto the dock and entered the town, Dwarfbeard acted as > their guide. However, he insisted that Elaine stay at the Snake Pit Hotel. Mike: Only Elaine. None of the others. Crow: Nothing suspicious about that... > He complimented on the beds, the views through the window, and especially > the carpet. > > "I remember it to be fleshy, slippery, and smooth," said Dwarfbeard. Tom: [Dwarfbeard] It was like a second lover... > > Elaine shook her head. "No way. I'm not staying at a place like that." > > Guybrush peered at Murray, who was under his arm. "Uh, Elaine, why don't > you take Murray to a hat store. Dwarfbeard told me they're on sale > today." Tom: Hat stores? Mike: No. > > "Pleeeaase," whined Murray. > > Elaine glimpsed at the skull. Tom: Eek! Mike: Well, that's just uncalled for. > "Promise you won't kill me and take my \ > body." Tom: Anyone who believes a promise like that deserves to die. > > "Cross my skull and hope to die... again," said Murray. > > "Oh, all right," said Elaine, taking Murray. Crow: [Murray] Whoa, baby! > > After she left, Guybrush faced Dwarfbeard and said, "I think I'll explore > around a bit. Tom: [Guybrush] Try to remember what the hell we're supposed to be doing here. > It *was* a peaceful trip here." > > "All right but be careful," said Dwarfbeard. "Voodoo Islanders are very > unorthodox. I'll take a looksee around meself." Mike: [Dwarfbeard] See if any more smallpox lesions have turned up... Crow: Shouldn't Dwarfbeard be trying to find this friend of his? Tom: You still remember that bit? > > Guybrush ambled Tom: He's an amblin' man. > about the town and then peered into the sky. It was a > beautiful afternoon on Voodoo Island. He noticed a large mountain on the > island he had never perceived before, not even on his ship. The dormant > volcano, thought Guybrush. I'll keep my eye on that. Crow: Yeah, like it's gonna attack at any moment. > > He strolled Tom: Now he's strolling! Mike: Guybrush Threepwood - the man with a thousand gaits. > about the town again and noticed that every building was made > of sticks Crow: Voodoo Island was colonised by descendants of the Three Little Pigs. > decorated with torches or skulls through a spear. Then, he > noticed a store with a cauldron that spelled its name every time smoke > came out of it. He read that the store was called the Hex-agon. He noticed > as well that every time the smoke came out, the skulls underneath would > light their eyes. Mike: Guybrush made a mental note to buy better acid next time. > > "Very clever," said Guybrush. > > "Thanks, I came up with the idea," said one of the skulls. > > "Don't mind him," said a voice behind Guybrush. Tom: Voices can speak? > > Guybrush turned around and came face to face with a monkey. "Ahh!" he > cried. > > "Whoa, buddy! Crow: You know, I can picture a talking monkey, but I *really* can't see it saying "Whoa, buddy!"... > Don't tell me you haven't seen a talking monkey before." Mike: [Guybrush] Seen: yes. Heard: no. > > "To be honest, no," replied Guybrush nervously. Tom: [Guybrush, thinking] Is he trying to sell me something? I think he's trying to sell me something. > > "Tourists," mumbled the monkey. Tom: [Guybrush] What? > "My name's Duke." > > Guybrush shook hands with Duke Crow: [Guybrush] Smooth. Do you see a manicurist? > but felt very awkward doing so. He was > invited into the Hex-agon to start shopping for all of his voodoo needs. Tom: [Guybrush, thinking] I *knew* it... > > Guybrush scanned the store's items. > > Maybe they had a spray that keeps the undead away from you, thought > Guybrush. > > Then, he examined a shelf labelled "Food Ingredients". Tom: Why? Shelves aren't edible. > He found objects like dog ears, snake tongues, shark fins, and spider > abdomens. Crow: [Guybrush] Well, that's tonight's dinner taken care of. > Disgusted, he turned to the other shelf labelled "Cures". It > interested him but he found nothing of any importance there. Tom: [Guybrush] Cure for cancer? I don't have cancer. > > This could've been useful, thought Guybrush as he stared at a bottle of > "Ringmaster: For curing girlfriends from ring curses". All: Ewww! > After a little > while longer, he noticed a slot machine beside the door giving out a > drink called Voodew. Guybrush read the labels on the cans. Mike: I guess he's really got nothing better to do. > > VOODEW > CAPTURE THE ESSENSE Crow: Of bad spelling. > OF ANIMAL PARTS Tom: Mmm! Animal parts! Mike: I love the smell of animal parts in the morning. > WITH A DELIGHTFUL TOUCH OF > GROG AND FOR A LOW, LOW PRICE. Crow: Compared to something really expensive. > > "I guess it won't hurt... much... to try more voodoo products," said > Guybrush as he pulled out a coin and pushed it through the coin slot of > the machine. > > Two cans came down and it amazed Guybrush. Crow: Uh, Guybrush, you just paid for those. > Then, he finally noticed the > "Two for one" sign beside the machine. He bought two more and when he was > about to leave, Duke called to him. > > "Hey, you're Guybrush Threepwood," he started, "mighty pirate?" > > "Why, yes I am," said Guybrush in a heroic voice. Mike: Well, if you can picture Woody Allen on helium as heroic. > > "I got a package for you," he said. "If you'd follow me." Tom: [monkey] --you'd be a complete moron. Crow: [Guybrush, thinking] Hmmm. I'm in mortal danger and a talking monkey wants me to follow him into a dark room. [out loud] Duuuh, okay. > > Guybrush followed Duke through a door behind the counter. It was totally > dark and suddenly, he felt something smack across his head. He fainted and > fell down. Mike: Instead of fainting and remaining standing, like he usually did. > > *** > > Guybrush regained consciousness and felt his head. There was a bruise > there and it flared with pain when he touched it. He couldn't see a thing > in the room he was in. Then, he noticed his belongings were taken away > from him. Crow: [shaking] How?? It's *completely dark*!! > Suddenly, he heard a sound Tom: As opposed to seeing a sound. > from behind him. > > "Pssst!" said the voice. "Guybrush, it's Murray." > > "Murray?" > > "The hat prices were over the chart, so I left Elaine and rolled into > here." Crow: And just how did he get into a room Guybrush is supposed to have been *imprisoned* in? > > Guybrush turned round and saw Murray's eyes, illuminated by a healthy > voodoo glow. Mike: Just how healthy can you be when you're a skull? > He took Murray and held the skull out before him. > > "Guide me to the door," said Guybrush. > > "Wait!" cried Murray. "There's someone else here. It's a person to your > left." > > Guybrush turned and bent down. He saw a haystack with bones all over it. Tom: [Murray] Well, there *was* a person... > Slowly, he removed the hay Mike: But left the bones where they were. > until the face of a woman emerged. She had the > same colour of hair and eyes as he Crow: Who? > and as Guybrush removed more of the > hay, he discovered a round medallion hanging from her necklace. Suddenly, > the woman cowered away to a corner before Guybrush could examine the > medallion. Mike: Forget the woman - we've got a *medallion* to look at! > > "Don't be afraid," he said softly. "We won't hurt you." > > "At least he won't," said Murray. > > The woman stayed silent. Tom: If I was in this fanfic, so would I. > > "I was just wondering if I could see your medallion," said Guybrush. > "I'm no thief, just a pirate. Mike: Aren't they basically the same thing? > A mighty pirate." Tom: [Guybrush] As I keep telling everybody I meet. > > The woman advanced closer to Guybrush and Murray. Guybrush slowly > outstretched his other arm to take the medallion. Crow: I thought he just wanted to look at it! Tom: Guess we all know how far you can trust Guybrush. > When he reached it, he > held it close enough to him so that Murray's eyes could make out what was > on it. It was no medallion. Mike: [Guybrush] Awww, nuts! > There was a button on it and as Guybrush > pushed it, a disk opened to reveal a picture. Tom: [woman] Hey, that's private! > There was a man, a woman, > and a small girl. > > Oh dear lord, thought Guybrush. Those are my parents. But then, who's the > girl? He turned to the woman. "What's your name?" > > The woman hesitated and then said, "Greta." > > "Greta," repeated Guybrush. "Greta, do you remember your parents?" > > "Yes," replied Greta. "They were very joyful, but sad whenever I used to > say that I was their princess. Do you remember your family." Mike: [Greta] Do I sound in the least bit interested. > > Guybrush lowered his head. Tom: [sniff] Crow: Oh, the emotion. > "Boyhowdy yeah, All: [laugh] Mike: Kinda spoils the mood a bit. > but only a little. They > abandoned me and they're in your picture." Tom: [Guybrush] Which makes it *my* picture! Gimme gimme! > > Greta peered down at her picture. There she was with Mom and Dad. Then she > stared back up at Guybrush. Mike: [Greta] Umm... just how long is it since you've had a haircut? > He did resemble Dad just a bit. Crow : Her dad was a two-foot midget with green hair, but they *did* have the same nose. > > "Hi, sis," smiled Guybrush. Mike: [Greta, realizing] AAAAGH! > > Greta couldn't believe it. She had an older brother and wanted to get > acquainted with him as soon as possible. Crow: If you know what I mean... Mike: [warningly] No, Crow, I don't. > So, during the next two hours, Tom: They held a cribbage tournament! > they told of their past to each other. Greta was very amused by her > brother's bravery that defeated the Undead Pirate LeChuck three times. Mike: [Guybrush] Stop giggling! I'm serious! STOP IT!! > Likewise, Guybrush was very surprised of how he'd always lied of having a > sister when all along it was the truth. Tom: So, in fact, he never lied. > > Suddenly, there came a noise from outside. "Shut up in there, Threepwood! > You'll need the voice for when LeChuck comes." Crow: [voice] We're putting on a production of "The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat". You're playing the Pharoah! > It was Duke. > > "Oh yeah!" shouted Guybrush. Crow: [snicker] Nice comeback. > "Well, you're as repulsive as a monkey in a > negligee." Mike: Which is not nearly as repulsive as Rush Limbaugh in a negligee. > > "First of all," said Duke, "I am a monkey. Second," Tom: [Duke] Take a look at this white frilly number! > he opened a small > window beside the door and fitted a pistol through it, "I don't think > you're in the position for sea swordplay insults." > > "Well, you know what they say," said Guybrush, "your tongue has to be > twice as sharp as your sword." Mike: If I had a tongue twice as sharp as a sword I wouldn't need to spend so much on cutlery. > Immediately after his words, he threw > Murray at the window. > > Murray, totally surprised by Guybrush's actions, quickly tried to find > something to bite on before he broke his skull on the walls of the prison. Crow: [sobbing] But *why*? Guybrush threw him at the window, not the walls... Mike: Shh, Crow, it's okay. [to Tom] You seem to be handling this well. Tom: [worried] It's getting on top of me, Mike. I don't know how many more contradictions I can take... > He found Duke's hand Tom: [Murray] Is this yours? Crow: [Duke] Thanks! I was looking for that. > and bit it. The pistol dropped and Guybrush picked it > up Tom: Why not Duke, who was closer? > and took Murray back. > > "You're insane!" yelled Murray. "What did I ever do?" Crow: "What did I ever do? - confessions of a demonic skull. $16.99 rrp." > > "You got us this pistol," replied Guybrush. "Now to get out of this dump." Crow: What are you talking about? Lonely Planet gave it four stars! > > He shot the lock off the prison door, which was visible since the light > poured through the small window that Duke left open. Tom: I thought it was visible just like every other item in this *completely dark* room was visible!! > Guybrush kicked open > the door Mike: Hey, that thing opens, you know. > and beckoned Greta to come out. They found themselves behind the > store counter but Duke was not to be seen. > > Guybrush found the opportunity to be useful for searching the counter > while there was no one to stop him. Mike: He makes it sound like Guybrush is jumping on the parents' bed. > Opening numerous drawers, he found > nothing but paper and a banana. However, he took the banana just in case > it became useful. Tom: In case it *became* useful? Does he collect rotten bananas or something? Crow: I think this is leading to banana skins, and wackiness! > Then, he opened the last drawer and found his belongings. > > He buckled his cutlass, trapped his pistol between his belt and jacket, Mike: Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? > and pocketed his Voodew soft drinks, his map, his CIA book, and his pouch > of coins. Then, Tom: The weight of all his belongings sent his pants crashing to the floor, and hilarity ensued! > he noticed a letter beneath the inventory. It read: Crow: Letters can read? > > *Duke, > Your skills as a bounty hunter have reached my ears. Tom: What's *that* supposed to mean? Mike: For some reason, I'm picturing a guy wearing a comedy arrow-through-the-head hat. > You have impressed me > and that is not an easy task. Mike: This guy must be a Russian gymnastics judge. > That is why I, the Ice Demon LeChuck, have a > favour to ask of you. I need you to capture a certain someone for me. His > name is Guybrush Threepwood. Crow: [letter writer] Stop laughing. > Once you acquire him, send him to me. Tom: All this trouble, just to get an extra employee... > Sincerely, Mike: Huh? Master criminals end their letters with "Sincerely"? > ID LeChuck* > > Duke must have taken Greta since she bore the same name. Tom: [Duke] Is your name Guybrush? Crow: [Greta] No, Greta. Tom: [Duke] Ehhh, starts with a G. Close enough. > He must've > thought he'd get more of a bounty if he captured the Threepwood offspring. > Guybrush and Greta Mike: Hansel and Gretel! > exited the Hex-agon and met with Elaine and Dwarfbeard > outside. Tom: Hmmm... you think... Greta and Dwarfbeard? > > Elaine frowned at Murray. "You left me all alone in that creepy hat store!" Crow: I'm sorry. A *creepy* *hat* store? > > "Sorry," said Murray. "I couldn't stay in a place like that. Besides, > some of the display heads were from my high school." Mike: Okay, I'll admit I dissected frogs in Biology, but that's a little disturbing... > > Dwarfbeard eyed Guybrush. "Where have ye been?" Tom: [Guybrush] Trying to find this *friend* of yours. Do you have any idea what we're doing on this island? > > "I was taken by a talking monkey named Duke. He worked for LeChuck." Crow: Now, he sleeps wit da fishes. > > "Talking monkey, eh?" said Dwarfbeard. "Where's he now?" > > "Gone," replied Greta. > > "And who might this be?" asked Elaine in an irritated tone. > > "Relax, Elaine," said Guybrush. "Elaine, Dwarfbeard, this is Greta > Threepwood, my sister." > > Elaine stayed silent. She always knew Guybrush lied about having a sister > but now, it turned out it was true. Crow: So if she knew Guybrush lied, why is seeing Greta such a shock?! Aargh! Mike: Actually, I think he means Guybrush lied that he *did* have a sister. Crow: I still don't like it. > She noticed the resemblance the two > had to each other. Dwarfbeard and Elaine shook hands with Greta and then > Guybrush reminded them that they still had to find Dwarfbeard's friend. Mike: [Elaine] Oh yeah, the plot. Nearly forgot... > > Dwarfbeard guided them through a quiet green jungle and to a trail leading > to the northern parts of the island. They travelled along the winding > trail until they arrived at a stone tower. Crow: Suddenly it's D&D! > > There was a window facing south and green smoke came from the pinnacle of > the tower. Before them was a curtain with torches on either side of it. > They threw the curtain aside and entered the tower. Finding themselves in > a deserted room, the group perceived stairs Tom: No they didn't! They *saw* them! What's wrong with *seeing* things? > leading to the top of the > tower. They climbed the winding staircase expecting bats to fly over their > heads or Crow: --other fantasy cliches. > disembodied eyes watching them; but all was calm. Finally, the > group arrived at the room that had the window Mike: A window? Classy. Crow: Must be the presidential suite. > and before them was a > cauldron of skeleton arms. From inside the cauldron, the green smoke > floated through the roofless pinnacle of the tower. Tom: They really should get some drier firewood. > > Guybrush curiously advanced closer to the cauldron. "Hello?" > > Suddenly, there was a blinding flash and when Guybrush opened his eyes, Crow: --he was blind. Tom: That'll happen. > there was a woman seated before him. She was plump with dark skin and had > a green bandanna wrapped around her head. A fur pelt covered her > shoulders and her blue gown reached down to her bare feet. > > "Guybrush Threepwood," she smiled, "it has been some time." Crow: Er, is this an ex-girlfriend or something? > > "Do I know you from somewhere?" asked Guybrush. Tom: I get it - acrimonious breakup. > > "As a matter of fact you do," replied the woman. "However, I can > understand your short-term memory. That's what happens when you get cursed > too much." Crow: Tom, I believe you're right. > > "What!" cried Guybrush. > > "Don't worry, it's not fatal," laughed the woman. Mike: [woman] Just crippling. Which leg don't you want? > "Talking helps. We met > on Melee Island where I told you of a voodoo antiroot that could destroy > ghosts. Later, I helped you make a voodoo doll of Largo LaGrande on Scabb > Island. Then, I helped you prepare for your journey to Blood Island by > supplying you information of a ring that could save Elaine from a pirate > curse." Tom: [thickly] So... much... exposition! Crow: Well, this fanfic might not be absorbing, but at least it's educational. > She peered behind Guybrush at Elaine. Mike: With her X-ray vision. > "Hello, Governor Marley." > > Elaine waved to the Voodoo Lady and smiled. Tom: Either the Voodoo Lady's senile, or Elaine's been lobotomised. Mike: Given all she's done so far, I'm suspecting the latter... > > Then, the Voodoo Lady gazed at Greta. "I see you've found family, > Guybrush. I foresaw your union." Crow: EWWWW!! Tom: So is this a slash fic, or what? Mike: Guys! It's just a Monkey Island fanfic. I don't think the author has incest on his mind. Crow: I'll wait and see on that one, Mike. > Lastly, she turned to Dwarfbeard. Mike: Since he was the least important member of the group. > "Is > something wrong?" > > "LeChuck may have the Witch Doctor's Treasure," started Dwarfbeard. "We > need more Tom: Pineapples! > information about it to save Guybrush from whatever danger is > to fall upon him." Tom: Like a big bunch of pineapples! Mike: Could you possibly be a little more vague? > > "Well," smiled the Voodoo Lady, Mike: ...still high on the last dose of valium. > "the gauntlet was forged over 500 years > ago and was used by its maker to heal the wounded more effectively. Crow: Which, since it was the Dark ages, it could do by doing nothing at all. > However, it needed its Five Fingers for its powers. They are, in order > from thumb to pinkie, the Finger of Curing, the Finger of Healing, the > Finger of Life, the Finger of Breath, and the Finger of Blood. The most > mysterious was the Finger of Life, which was said to have resurrection > powers." Mike: Maybe it should have been used on this fanfic. > > "That's why LeChuck wants the gauntlet," said Guybrush. "He wants to > become alive again." Tom: "I mean once you're dead, people just don't want to know, right? They all act as if you've got some horrible disease..." > > "Wait!" cried the Voodoo Lady. "There's more to LeChuck's plan than just > mere resurrection. At the same time he's resurrected, you will die." Mike: Killed by a plot device: how ironic. > > "Then he must not have the Finger of Life yet," said Dwarfbeard. Tom: [sarcasm sequencer] Smart thinking, Dwarfbeard. Mike: Hey, in this group, that puts him in the Mensa category. > "And it's > in the hands of Nerdbeard! But we lost contact with him." > > "Clues left by the others will help you find him," said the Voodoo Lady. > > Guybrush and his friends thanked the Voodoo Lady, left the tower, > travelled back to the town, and boarded their ship. Tom: No detail, however trivial, shall be overlooked! > > > > Part Two: The Finger of Life > > The _Governor_ sailed away from Voodoo Island. Dwarfbeard had them plot a > course to Barnacle Island, where Wetbeard spent his last days. Tom: The local unit of currency is the day? > > The waters seemed to have calmed down and a steady wind blew. Guybrush > speculated Mike: On the bonds market. > that they should reach Barnacle by nightfall. > > Suddenly, Guybrush heard a wailing cry some distance ahead. He called > Frank, Crow: [phone noises] > who was in the crow's nest to see where the sound came from. Tom: You don't *see* sounds - you hear them! Doesn't *anybody* in this story know how to use their senses? > > Frank leaned over and squinted. Crow: Doesn't look like it. > "A ship!" he cried. Mike: [Frank] It's right below us... hang on, that's ours. > "Its sails are torn to > shreds but it still goes." > > "That's no ordinary ship," said Guybrush as Dwarfbeard halted beside him. > "It's a ghost ship. We must be getting too close to something LeChuck > doesn't want us to find out." He turned his head and gazed down at the > deck. "Man the cannons!" Mike: [Guybrush, sheepish] I always wanted to say that. > > *** > > Largo stared through the night with his voodoo eyes at the ship of the > living. Tom: I don't know if that's poetic or completely nonsensical. > > "Threepwood," he whispered. "He must know of the gauntlet. Well, this is > as far as he'll go." > > He steered the ship so that the cannons on his left faced Guybrush's ship. > Lowering his head down to the deck, Largo yelled, "Fire!" > > The response to his command was placed in the sound of blasting cannons as > Largo stared at his cannonballs striking the enemy ship. Tom: Ergh. I'm not even going to try parsing that. > > Onboard the _Governor_, the ship shook and Guybrush was almost flung to > his right. They had taken a direct hit from the three cannons of the enemy > at the bow. However, the reinforced armour plates held and damage was > reduced to a minimum. Mike: [Guybrush] You can't hurt us - we have the author on our side! > > He steered so that the _Governor_ sailed on towards the direction of the > starboard but at an angle so that they would reach the port of the enemy > ship. Mike: Huh? Tom: Say again? > Once they reached the stern of the ghost ship, the enemy's cannons > couldn't fire upon them Mike: But... Crow: What? > and, thankfully, they'd just arrived before the > cannons finished loading. Tom: Okay... Crow: Wake me up when it starts making sense. > > "Fire!" cried Guybrush. > > He observed his cannons thrust themselves Crow: Ewww! > through the port of the ghost > ship. To his aghast, the ghost ship took no damage! Mike: Well, you'd expect that. > Guybrush had to find > something that worked against ghosts to use on his cannonballs. Then, he > thought back to the time when he first met LeChuck. Tom: Their eyes met across the crowded dancefloor. Time slowed to a standstill... > > "Of course," snapped > Guybrush, "root beer! I first defeated LeChuck with root beer!" He faced > Greta, who was to his right, Tom: And Greta's position is *so* vital to the plot. > releasing his grip on the steering wheel. > "Take over." Crow: This story? Please! Take it over! > > *** > > Largo pivoted his ship to the direction of his stern. Tom: [confused] He pointed the ship in the direction it was already going? Crow: Umm... > He ordered the > cannons to be fired and watched as his artillery collided against the > enemy's walls. Mike: I believe it's called the hull. > Unfortunately, they completely missed their marks, which > were the enemy's cannons. Crow: Oh yeah, shoot the one thing on the ship that might withstand a cannonball and which is nearly invisible to boot... great plan, Largo. > Then, Largo steered the ship so that it collided > with that of the enemy. Tom: [Largo] If I can't win, we're both goin' down! > He saw Guybrush Threepwood taking a glimpse at him > and laughed. All: Heh heh. Ha. Ho. > > "It's no use, Threepwood!" he cried. "You're no match for the fleet of > LeChuck." Crow: Pity the fleet of LeChuck isn't actually there. > Then, he ran from the steering wheel and leapt across to the > other ship and before Guybrush. There, he drew his cutlass. Mike: I'll never understand modern art. > "I challenge > you to a deathmatch!" Tom: So they booted up Quake, and the fragfest began... > > Guybrush drew out his own cutlass. "Largo LaGrande, we meet again. > Challenge accepted." > > "Your microscopic brain is no match for my blade," cried Largo. > > "It would still be heavier than yours if you had them weighed," said > Guybrush as he advanced with his cutlass. > > Largo, taken off guard by the counter of his insult, Mike: Oh, come on! As if he hasn't heard it a thousand times before. > defended as best he could. He smiled, however, to have found a worthy foe. Tom: [Largo] I'm totally outclassed and I'm going to die. Isn't life great? > Patiently, he waited for Guybrush's insult. > > "Well," he said at length, Mike: Four letters of length. > "aren't you going to insult me?" Crow: I thought we already had... > > "I thought I was supposed to counter your insults," said Guybrush. > > "You mean you spent all this time thinking of Crow: [Largo] Pamela Anderson? Tom: Wow. No wonder Guybrush seems out of sorts. > counters and not insults?" > > "Well," started Guybrush, "it's happened to me twice already. Master > swordsmen insult me, I counter them until I win." Mike: He makes mortal combat sound so easy. > > "Boy, this is going to be easy," laughed Largo. He fought with much fury > and sent Guybrush's cutlass flying from his hand. Holding the tip of his > blade to Guybrush's chin, he said, "Checkmate." Mike: Now is *not* the time to be playing chess, Largo. > > "I don't think so, LaGrande," smiled Guybrush. "It seems you've fallen > into my trap. Mike: "So, Doctor Jones, you fell right into my trap!" > Look behind you." Tom: THAT'S the trap? Crow: [Largo] You idiot - I'm not falling for that one! > > Largo turned and saw that his ship was not there. He ran to the side and > saw his crew, ghost and skeleton alike, struggling to stay afloat. Mike: Yep, he's got a top-notch crew. Crow: I see Largo forgot to hand out the water wings. > The > duel was just to stall time. Suddenly, a cutlass fell on Largo's hand and > it, along with his own sword, fell to the sea. He turned round to see > Guybrush pointing his sword to his head. Tom: Whose head? Guybrush's or Largo's? Crow: [Guybrush] I can't take this fanfic anymore. I'm ending it right here... > > "Not even a ghost ship can stand against root beer bottles," smiled > Guybrush. Crow: And said, too. > "We had crates of them down below. Tom: But if they're down below, and Guybrush's ship is okay, then how'd the root beer get in contact with the ghost ship? Mike: Stop nitpicking. You're giving me a headache. > Now, about the voodoo > gauntlet... " Tom: [suspicious] What *about* it? > > "You'll get nothing from me, Threepwood," said Largo. "Not even if you > threatened to kill me." > > "Well what if I told LeChuck about your mutinous plans," smiled Guybrush. Crow: That's two in a row! Does everyone here semaphore with their teeth? > > "How did you know about them?" asked the astonished Largo. > > "I didn't, you just told me," Guybrush laughed. Mike: I'm glad someone's getting some enjoyment out of the story. > "But I thought you'd be > the type. Being killed by a mortal is one thing. However, being killed by > LeChuck is another. Wouldn't you agree?" All: No. > > "Alright!" cried Largo. "LeChuck's searching for the Finger of Life and he > knows who possesses it. He just doesn't know where it is. He sent me to > search for Dwarfbeard." > > "Well, here I am," said Dwarfbeard, walking into view from behind > Guybrush. Tom: He's been hiding behind Guybrush all this time? Crow: Must be very nimble. > > Largo cursed Mike: Hey, this is a family show! > and faced Guybrush again. "That's all I know!" > > Guybrush frowned. He knew Largo wasn't lying. Mike: How, you might ask? Who cares? > > "Well, you're without a ship and a crew. So, I'll be fair and let you join > them." > > "What!" cried Largo. But before he could react, Dwarfbeard tossed him > overboard into the sea with his crewmates. Tom: And these are the good guys! > > *** > > After a little while of sailing, land came into sight. The crew had > reached Barnacle Island. They saw neon lights of businesses on the island, Tom: Hmmm. Neon lights and pirates. Something's not right here... > which aroused more interest in them. Guybrush asked Elaine to register > them in the Dull Blade when they docked. Crow: Why can't he do it himself? Tom: I don't think Guybrush has ever done anything himself in his whole life. > > The night was cool on Barnacle Island and a full moon shown. Guybrush felt > like taking a little stroll along the streets with his sister before going > to the hotel. Tom: Too bad Greta didn't feel the same way. > As they traveled, Greta told everything she remembered about > her parents to Guybrush. Then, he felt alone all of a sudden. Tom: Greta had finally done a runner. > > "After all, you're the one they kept," said Guybrush. Mike: He's making them sound like a couple of puppies. > > Greta placed an arm around Guybrush and rested her head on his shoulder. Crow: [whistles innocently] Mike: I'm praying you're wrong, Crow... > Guybrush kept on walking silently through the lit streets of the city. He > suddenly noticed a small hut with a sign saying "Myopica". > > He and Greta decided to enter the store and advanced towards the door, > which was surprisingly small. They entered the empty shop and browsed > around. Tom: [Greta] Why are we browsing in an empty shop? > There was a counter with a small stool behind it and a door behind > that. A shelf was located on each wall with large selections of monocles. > > Guybrush spotted a service bell and punched it. Crow: [Guybrush] Take that! > Then, a small ring sounded > and the door behind the counter opened. A short man with red hair came > out. He wore a white shirt with chequered overalls and on his left eye > was, of course, a monocle. All: Of course! > > "May I help you?" asked the man. > > "Wally!" smiled Guybrush. Crow: Guybrush's smile is getting far too many lines in this fanfic. > "It's me, Guybrush Threepwood!" Tom: [Guybrush] I announce my name to everyone I meet, even those who are supposed to be close friends! > > "Mr. Wood!" cried Wally. All: [snickering] Tom: Those old fraternity nicknames do have a tendency to stick... Mike: It's still better than "Mr. Brush". > "How are things with Elaine?" Mike: You know, things. Stuff. > > "They couldn't be better." Tom: [singing] She's under my thumb... > > Wally suddenly noticed Greta. Crow: [getting annoyed] What's with all this "suddenly noticing" stuff? Does everyone in this fanfic have Attention Deficit Disorder or something? > "Then, who is she?" Crow: [Wally] Where'd you pick her up? She doesn't look like one of the local prostitutes... Mike: Crow... > > "Oh," Guybrush cleared his throat. Mike: And hacked a great gob of phlegm onto Wally's head. Crow: [Guybrush] Oops! Sorry. > "Wally Bloodnose Feed, this is my > sister, Greta Threepwood." > > Wally stared wide-eyed at Guybrush and then to Greta. "Sister?" Tom: [Wally] You mean she's available? > He ran > from the counter All: [British] Run away! Run away! > and shook Greta's hand. "Pleasure to meet you!" Mike: I guess Wally doesn't get the opportunity to meet many girls. > > "Same here," smiled Greta. > > Wally turned back to Guybrush. "So, Mr. Wood, how does it feel to find > your sister?" > > "Very surprising," replied Guybrush. Tom: "Very surprising"?!? > He recounted how he and Greta met > and why he was on Barnacle Island. Then, he saw Wally shudder Crow: In horror at the terminally long exposition, the implausible action, the tepid characterization... > at the > mention of LeChuck. "So how's Haggis doing?" Crow: Is this really relevant to your situation, Guybrush? Mike: It's relevant to the author's aim of dragging every bit character into the plot. > > "Mr. McMutton?" asked Wally. "Oh, he, Mr. Bill, and Mr. Van Helgen are > doing great Mike: "They're selling out stadium after stadium in Europe!" > at the barber business. They have a new shop set up here > called 'The Cutlass Quartet'." > > "You mean they finally got a new member for their barbershop quartet?" > asked Guybrush in an astonished tone. Tom: Oh yes, very astonished. Can't you just hear it? > > "Yes," nodded Wally. "He can take up the voices of three singers!" > > "Fascinating!" said Guybrush. He suddenly realised that he had to get > going. Crow: He suddenly realised that Wally was very boring. > "Well, goodnight, Wally. Great meeting you again." Tom: I have a different opinion on that. > > "You too, Mr. And Ms. Wood," said Wally. "Good luck with LeChuck." > > The Threepwoods, Mike: They're married? Tom: I don't like the way this is going... > once outside of Wally's shop, saw another shop that > caught their attention. Crow: "We might be in mortal danger, but there's a *shop* here!" > There was a bright sign that read "Stan's Previously Owned Keys". As > Guybrush observed it Tom: *SAW* it! > he thought, Oh dear lord, no. Mike: The Good Lord is getting a few mentions in this fanfic. > Despite his reluctance > to enter Stan's store, he didn't want to leave him out. Mike: Or at least, the author didn't. > > They entered the > store and a man quickly came towards them. He had a blue chequered shirt > and a large hat. Tom: At home in his wardrobe, but that's not important right now. > As he talked, his arms moved up and down and he > continually tapped his foot. Mike: For those of you who have never played Monkey Island, that was a brief recap of Stan's physical mannerisms. Now, back to the story. > > "Howdy! Welcome to Stan's Previously Owned > Keys!" he cried. "Guybrush Threepwood, I haven't see you since the > wedding." Tom: [Stan] One whole year - I knew it was too good to last. > > "Hi, Stan," said Guybrush. "Meet my sister, Greta." > > "Sister, eh?" said Stan. "Hello, dolly. Oh, I shouldn't say that, I'm > married! I'm Stan the Salesman. Can I interest you in a set of keys?" Crow: Mike, the actual Monkey Island games don't have dialogue as bad as this, do they? Mike: I didn't think so, but I'm starting to reconsider... > > Guybrush gazed at the key selection. There were shelves of keys and one > shelf had key cards, which were divided into two categories: Imperial and > Rebel. Crow: A Monkey Island/Star Wars crossover?? How dumb does the author think we are? Mike: Actually, most LucasArts games do contain Star Wars references... Crow: Shut up. > However, the keys behind Stan's desk were the only ones that caught > his attention. Tom: I'm starting to think "Guybrush's Attention" is a character in its own right. > > "What're those?" he asked. Crow: Keys. Weren't you paying attention? > > "Sorry, those aren't for sale," said Stan. "Their keys Mike: Whose keys? > to every door of > every building on every island I've ever been, if you must know." Tom: It's a plot device keyring! > > "Well, you'd better keep good care of it instead of just leaving it on a > hook. It's very insecure," said Guybrush. Crow: Guybrush Threepwood: Pirate and Security consultant. > > "Nonsense!" cried Stan. "It's protected by a state-of-the-art security > system. Watch. Tom: It's protected by a watch? > Lasers will detect any sign of movement and enclose > intruders in a container until I deactivate it. Allow me to demonstrate." > Stan took out a remote from his coat and pushed a button. Then, he > advanced towards the keys. Suddenly, a portion of the ceiling fell over > him, Tom: [Stan] Ow! Mike: It didn't have anything to do with the security system - Stan's shop is just in really bad shape. > trapping him inside. "See? What did I tell you?" > > Guybrush quickly took the ring of keys as the ceiling portion lifted. Stan > gave out a gasp Crow: [Stan] Here you go - this one's on the house. > when he realised his keys were gone. Tom: I'll have to hotwire the car! > > "Where are they?" he cried. Crow: [groaning] Stan doesn't even have half a brain. He's got zilch of a brain. > > "I saw a sinister-looking guy come in and take them," said Guybrush. > > Stan sighed. "Well, luckily I got this set of copies made." He pulled out > another ring of keys identical to the ones Guybrush took. Crow: Hooray! Stan comes out even. I'm so glad. Mike: Could have done with a little sarcasm there, Crow. Crow: Sorry. My inflection's a little out of whack. > > *** > > Guybrush and Greta finally sauntered towards the Dull Blade. Crow: Ooh... sauntering! Stylish. > It was a tall > building with many windows. Mike: --for suicidal guests to jump out of. > As they entered, they found themselves in a > plaza covered with scarlet carpet. A counter was before them with stairs > beside it and above was a chandelier. Guybrush strolled over to the > registration counter. Tom: He perambulated. He paced. He trudged. He strode. He- Mike: We get the picture. > > "Threepwood," he said. Mike: No, *you're* Threepwood. That's the clerk. > > The man behind the counter scanned his registration book. "Ah, yes, > Threepwood. You're registered in Room 61." Crow: [man] Enjoy your stay... [chuckles evilly] > > "Where would that be?" asked Guybrush. > > "Sixth floor, first room to your left," replied the man. Tom: Aah, the pivotal "asking directions" scene. I'm glad I saw this bit. > > Guybrush and Greta climbed the stairs and once they reached their room, > they found the door opened. Crow: [Guybrush] We've been robbed! Mike: You already did that one. > As they entered, they marvelled at the > apartment. There was a large glass patio door before them and beside that > were two beds. Their blankets were scarlet and the sheets and pillows were > pearl white. Tom: Nice colours... like sleeping in a giant mouth. > Opposite to the beds was a washroom where Elaine stood, > astonished. Tom: At what? The washroom? > Beside the beds was a wardrobe which the Men of Low Moral > Fibre (Pirates) examined. Crow: [Pirates] Any unusual aches or pains? > Beside the door was a table where Dwarfbeard sat > studying Frank's map. Mike: The Geography test was tomorrow. > Murray rested his skull on the couch beside the > washroom door. Crow: Maybe he can tell us what's so astonishing about the washroom. > > "What are you doing, Dwarfbeard?" asked Guybrush. Tom: Studying the map. Weren't you reading? > > "I'm going over the islands," replied Dwarfbeard. "Wetbeard stayed at > this hotel when we left him, Reekbeard and Fakebeard settled on Phatt > Island, and then there's Nerdbeard. I don't know where he could've gone > off. Mike: Check the expiry date. > We last saw him sail off between the waters of Skull and Melee > Island." > > "Then that's where we will look," said Guybrush. > > "True," said Dwarfbeard, "but where exactly?" > > The crew put the matter to rest and went to sleep. Elaine and Guybrush in > one bed, Crow: Hmmm... > Greta in the other, Mike: Good. > the Men of Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) and > Murray on the couch, Crow: Is it really wise to leave the Men of Low Moral Fibre together on the couch? Mike: What are you suggesting, Crow? Crow: [innocently] Nothing... > and Dwarfbeard at the table. Tom: Wouldn't the carpeted floor be more comfortable? Crow: [Dwarfbeard] Friggin' hero's sister gets a bed to herself, but oh no, I've got to sleep on the friggin' table... > > *** > > After the crew woke up, Tom: They immediately gave up this crazy journey and went home? Mike: It says 'woke up', not 'came to their senses'. > they started the search for Wetbeard's room. > However, there was no way the registration counter would still have his > record. Guybrush wanted to see some old friends before he searched and he > left the hotel. Crow: You know what I think? I think Guybrush is using this "mortal threat" as an excuse to go on holiday. > > He strolled through the city until he caught sight of the Cutlass Quartet Mike: --on a rooftop, doing a belting rendition of "Baby on Board". > among a row of buildings. There was a sign above the door with a picture > of two cutlasses forming a pair of scissors. Pushing the door open, he > entered and standing before him was a three-headed monkey. Tom: Just like that! Crow: Your everyday three-headed monkey. No big deal. > Guybrush gasped > when he laid eyes on it. Was it the same one he saw on Monkey Island a > long time ago? Mike: And do we care? > Suddenly, a large man with a red beard and a kilt Tom: It's Groundskeeper Willy! > peered > over the monkey at Guybrush. > > "Guybrush Threepwood!" he cried. "Lads, 'tis our old friend Cap'n > Guybrush!" Mike: Guybrush Threepwood stars in "Attack of the Mutant Accents"! > > From behind the monkey came two other men. One thin and with a long > moustache, the other was short and plump and had a peg leg. Crow: [whimpering] Here it comes. Another scene of pointless dialogue and contrived plot points. How far has this thing to go? Mike: Quite a way yet. Crow: [whimpers] > > "Ahoy there, Guybrush!" cried the thin man. "How have you been?" > > "Fine, Edward." > > "You've grown," said the short man. Tom: [short man] As you can see, I haven't. > > "Er, thanks, Bill," said Guybrush. He pointed at the monkey. "Look in > front of you, a three-headed monkey!" All: [weak laughter] Crow: It hurts... > > "Aye," said the large man. "He's the fourth of our barber shop quartet." Tom: The fourth *what*? Fan? Manager? Instrument? > > "A monkey, Haggis?" asked Guybrush. Crow: Monkey haggis? Mike: I feel ill... > > "Aye." > > "He be a fine singer," said Edward. "Fills the voices of three singers he > does." Tom: [Edward] Okay, three incomprehensible, screeching, tone deaf singers, but it's still impressive. Crow: It's a triple Alanis Morisette! Mike: AARGGH! > > "He does," said Cutthroat Bill. "Name's Ooky." All: [click fingers] > > The monkey jumped about and slipped away. Crow: Is he a monkey, or a frog? > Guybrush ambled Tom: What's wrong with *walking*, Guybrush? Why don't you *walk* somewhere occasionally? Mike: You okay, Tom? > into the small > shop and found the barber pirates' collection of pictures of different > hairdos. As well, they brought their old barber chair with the elevating > handle. Mike: Surprising of them, considering how this is a *barber shop*! > Beside the chair, holding a pair of scissors, was Ooky. > > Oh no, thought Guybrush. "Don't tell me that monkey's the barber." All: That monkey's the barber. Crow: They're just handing us the riffs now. > > "No, of course not," said Haggis. "We're all barbers. But today's > Wednesday, so it's Ooky's turn to cut. Tom: So, he *is* the barber! Mike: Black is white in this fanfic world. > He can do a fine French braid. > Want him to eyeball yer hair?" Mike: Look at his hair? Ooky's probably already doing that. > > "No," started Guybrush, "thanks." Tom: And "No thanks" sums up my whole response to this fanfic. > > Guybrush asked Haggis if he heard of a man named Wetbeard. Haggis' > response was to Guybrush's expectations Crow: Which were? > and he said he hadn't heard of > such a man. Mike: Speech, we need some actual speech! > Suddenly, Edward came to Guybrush with a surprised look. Tom: [Edward] I found it in the corner. Is it yours? > > "Wetbeard?" he asked. "He and I met at sea a few years ago. He was a fine > pirate but sadly he retired that same day." Mike: Coincidence... or NOT? > > "Really? Do you know what room he registered in at the Dull Blade?" asked > Guybrush. > > "No," replied Edward. "We were at sea, boy. How could I have known? All he > said was there's a tub of gold waiting for him." Tom: Yep, that's all he ever said. You'd go up to him in the morning, he'd say "There's a tub of gold waiting for me" over and over. Guy kinda had trouble making friends... > > "Thanks, Edward!" said Guybrush as he zoomed out of the Cutlass Quartet > back to the Dull Blade. Tom: If I were a member of the Cutlass Quartet, I'd be a little miffed at the speed of that exit. > > He found Elaine in the lobby and told her what he had found out. Then, > Guybrush raced towards the registration counter. > > "Do you have one of those rooms with a golden tub here still open?" > > "Golden tub?" asked the man behind the counter. "Oh yes. There's only one > such room in this hotel. Mike: How conveeeeeenient. > But it's occupied, sorry." > > Guybrush asked for the number and said it was a friend that was in the > room. "A friend?" asked the man. "Very well, he's in Room 45." All: [groan] Mike: Maybe aliens have dumbed down the earth's population recently. Tom: Wouldn't the clerk at least ask for the friend's name? > > Guybrush and Elaine called the others and together, they found Room 45 > with its door unlocked. Cautiously, Guybrush opened it and found the room > empty. Mike: [hums Mission Impossible theme] > He noticed the door to the washroom was closed and knocked on it. > There was no answer. Then, he called and heard water moving. Finally, a > voice answered him. > > "Who is it?" > > Guybrush recognised the voice. "Herman Toothrot!" Mike: Oh great. Another cameo. Crow: That makes, what, seventy-five so far? > > "Guybrush Threepwood?" The door opened and an old man in rags came out. > "It *is* you!" Then, he turned to Dwarfbeard. "Hello, Dwarfbeard." His > eyes narrowed and his voice deepened. Mike: [Blofeld] We meet again, Mr. Bond. > > "Hello, Toothrot," said Dwarfbeard in a similar fashion. Tom: [Seinfeld] Hello, Newman... > > "What are you doing here?" demanded Herman. > > "None of yer ear wax, which you got plenty o'," replied Dwarfbeard. > > "Yeah, yer just jealous 'cause I found Monkey Island first!" said Herman. > > "Ye keeps tauntin' me, Toothrot," started Dwarfbeard, "an' I'll be forced > to draw me cutlass." Tom: [Dwarfbeard] And I can't draw for peanuts, so it'll look *terrible*! > > "Draw away, you ponderous exoskeleton," said Herman. Tom: [Herman] Can't be any worse than the wallpaper. > > "Enough!" cried Guybrush. All: You said it! > "Herman, have you seen anything unusual about > your washroom?" > > "No," replied Herman, "except for the skeleton found in it. I placed it > in the wardrobe." Crow: Uh... okay. Tom: Things you'd rather not find out about your neighbours. > > Guybrush immediately ran to the wardrobe and opened it. There was a grimy > skeleton inside with a wet beard coming from his skull. Crow: It hasn't dried? Tom: Must be a leak in the ceiling. > A book was held in > its bony fingers and Guybrush was forced to rip out the skeleton's hands > to take the book. Mike: Let me guess - if Wetbeard wasn't dead, Guybrush would have been "forced" to kill him, too. > It was Wetbeard's diary and Guybrush read the last > entry. > > *June 23, > My pirating days are over and I've seen much. But I must prepare for my > last days for when I step into the water of the Dull Blade's golden tub, I > shall remain there and die. There shall be no better comfort in dying as I > did. Mike: Why, nothing is as comforting as sweet, sweet Death! This message brought to you by the Death Council. > Unlike Nerdbeard, he took the Finger of Life from the voodoo gauntlet > we found years ago and set out to sea with it. His doom will be merciless > when tonight's storm comes.* > > "So his ship sank," said Guybrush. "But where?" > > "We'll find that out on Phatt Island," said Dwarfbeard. "We've got the > first piece of the puzzle." The crew left Herman's room but, as Dwarfbeard > was about to depart, he peered back at Herman. "Bum." > > Herman blew a raspberry at Dwarfbeard and closed the door to his washroom. > Then, he sang and it drove Dwarfbeard away in great disgust. Mike: [Herman] MMMBop... Bots: NO! > > *** > > The _Governor_ sailed away from Barnacle Island and made its way to Phatt > Island. It would take them until late noon to reach there unless the wind > would blow more. If anything could add to their luck, it would be no more > sea combats with the undead. > > Guybrush sat in his table studying Wetbeard's diary in the captain's room. > Nerdbeard could have sunk anywhere between the waters of Skull and Melee. > He must have spent hours racking his mind over the matter Mike: [author] Sorry, I don't have a precise idea how long... > because Greta > suddenly opened the door and announced that they arrived at Phatt Island. > > When Guybrush exited the captain's room, he found that they were docked > near the wharf. All: Duh! > He saw the old Phatt prison where he was locked up more > than a year ago. Then, he noticed that his "wanted" poster was still on > the wall of the prison. He had to disguise himself but before he could do > so, a guard came up to him. > > "You!" he cried. He took out his pistol and stared at Guybrush through his > golden helm. "You're under arrest!" > > Guybrush and his crew Tom: --rapidly overpowered the lone guard and went about their business. Mike: Nice try. > were led by a squadron of guards behind the prison > to a path that led out of Phatt City. Then, they travelled through a > jungle, emerald Mike: [timid] Red? > green Mike: Phew. > and flourishing with life, until they reached > another path that led them to a closed gate. The guard before them > unlocked the gate and led the prisoners along the path until they climbed > a few stairs to a large door of a mansion. The guards then led only > Guybrush inside the mansion, up the stairs, and to Governor Phatt's room. Crow: You know, I DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE FRIGGIN WAY TO PHATT'S ROOM! > > It was as he remembered. There was a small table with a mirror laid with > spoiled victuals. Tom: Mmmm... vittles! > Before him was the elephantine bed where Governor Phatt > lay, bloated as a balloon. Crow: A very heavy balloon, presumably. > His large feet appeared at the end of the bed. All: SHAZAM! > > Governor Phatt spat out his words. Tom: Guess he's having trouble "eating" them! Ha! > "Threepwood! I've got you at last! I've > nothing to do with LeChuck this time. You're mine and I shall have you > punished as I see fit." Crow: He's gonna make him read this story! Mike: Too cruel. > > "What did I do?" asked the bewildered Guybrush. > > "Switched my books," replied Phatt. "I had a sheet of my favourite recipes > in that book you took. And what's worse, the book you gave me had ripped > out pages of recipes!" He turned his eyes to the guard, unable to move his > multi-chinned head. "Take him away!" > > The guard led Guybrush to the door but Guybrush spun round and pointed a > finger at Phatt. > > "I'll be *back*!" Mike: He's been practising that dramatic exit for years. Tom: I don't think it was worth it. > > *** > > Guybrush and his crew were locked in two cells, side by side, Tom: Gee, that's considerate of the guards. > and their > possessions were confiscated, placed in envelopes above a counter. Each > cell only had one bed and there were at least four to a cell. Crow: And so that night-- Mike: Stop right there. > Guybrush, > Elaine, Greta, and Dwarfbeard were locked in one cell while the Men of > Low Moral Fibre (Pirates) and Murray were locked in the second where a > skeleton lay. However, it was missing its tibia. Tom: Poor little critter. > > "I finally find a decent body but it has to have a missing bone!" All: [ahem] > complained Murray. > > "Fine," sighed Guybrush, "take half of its body. Frank, help him." > > Frank removed the ribcage of the skeleton along with its arms and attached > it to Murray. Murray turned his head, bent it back, and moved his arms and > fingers. He laughed with joy to finally have more of a body. Tom: Or at least he would have, if he had vocal cords. Mike: Tom, we've gotten this far into the story with a talking skull. Why start now? > Guybrush > smiled and said he earned his trust. Murray still had to have people carry > him but he could now walk with his arms. Crow: And talk with his sternum. Tom: And clap with his coccyx. Mike: And kick with his eardrums. > > Guybrush turned from Murray to the door of the prison. Mike: And now, for his next trick, Guybrush will solve world poverty. > There was a guard > with a pistol outside. Suddenly, Guybrush remembered Stan's keys. Tom: Okay, he's obviously going to use them to get out, but how does he know Stan's been imprisoned on Phatt Island? > But they > were in one of the envelopes. He could only try to take one without making > the guard suspicious, but which one? There were eight envelopes and Stan's > keys could only be in one of them. Guybrush placed his hands on his hips > and sighed. Suddenly, he felt something in his pocket. All: Ewwww! > The guards hadn't > taken his small pouch of coins! Mike: The guards didn't want anything to do with Guybrush's groinal area, and frankly, I don't blame them. Tom: "Groinal area"? > > Guybrush took the pouch out and revealed a gold coin. He called Elaine to > take another. Crow: Err... does that mean Elaine has a coin pouch too? Mike: Hard to say. > Together, they flipped the coins Mike: Enjoying a friendly game of Two-Up. > and watched them strike the > envelopes. The guard noticed them and came to the prison cell door. > > "Hand over the pouch, Mr. Threepwood," he said, putting out his hand. > > Guybrush quickly hatched a new plan. "Why have the pouch when you can have > the money in it?" He emptied all of his pieces o' eight into the guard's > large hand. > > The guard stared down at the numerous coins and started counting them. > Then, Tom: Two weeks later, the guard reached "Two". > Elaine took hold of the guard's helm and pulled his head to the cell > bars. The guard fell unconscious and the coins dropped. Elaine tried to > get the keys but it was too far. Guybrush faced Murray and smiled. > > "Lend me your arm," he said. > > "Oh, I'm not falling for that!" laughed Murray. He pointed at Guybrush > with his right arm and mocked him. Mike: That's our hero - even half skeletons give him the finger. > > Guybrush took hold of the arm and pulled half of it off. "Thanks!" > > "Hey! My arm!" > > "You'll get it back, don't worry," said Elaine. Crow: What the- "He pulled my arm off!" "Oh, don't worry, you'll get it back." > > Guybrush reached for the keys with the help of Murray's arm and once they > were close enough to the prison bars, Greta took them. Guybrush reattached > Murray's arm as Greta unlocked the door. After they regained their > possessions, the crew found the prison easy to abscond and made for the > _Governor_. However, lying in their way was Governor Phatt accompanied by > six other guards, three on each side of his bed. > > "Escaped, have you?" said Phatt. Mike: He sounds pretty amiable about it. > "You are a worthy opponent, Threepwood. Crow: Worthy enough for Governor Phatt... that's not much of a compliment. > But let's see just how worthy you are. Mike: [Wayne and Garth] We're not worthy!! > I challenge you to a fishing > contest. All: A *WHAT??* > If you can catch a bigger fish than I can, you'll be set free. Mike: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that this whole plot point, along with numerous others, has been lifted straight from Monkey Island II. Thank you. > However, > if my catch is bigger, then you shall spend the remainder of your life in > my prison." Mike: [Phatt] Yes, the same prison you escaped from in five minutes. Tom: I don't know much more stupidity I can take... > > Guybrush hesitated. The stakes were high. However, he accepted with a > smile. Tom: [Guybrush] A *fishing contest*? God, the guy's nuts... > Phatt and Guybrush were each given fishing poles and bait. Guybrush > took his bait and placed it in his pouch of coins. Then, he placed the > small bag on the hook. Crow: Completely shielding the bait from the water, rendering it useless. > Finally, the contest began. > > Phatt and Guybrush threw their poles into the water and waited. Suddenly, > Guybrush felt a tug on his pole Crow: You know, that line could be interpreted so many-- Mike: Crow! > and he hauled in a large fish. Phatt's > eyes widened Tom: As one of the guards goosed him. > and then he became enraged. Tom: [Phatt] *No one* gooses the Governor of Phatt Island! > > "Seize them!" he cried. > > "Fine, have it," said Guybrush. He threw the fish on Phatt's stomach. Mike: *On*? What, is Governor Phatt lying down? Tom: I don't think Phatt's taking this fishing contest seriously. Crow: Would you? > > The combined weight of Phatt and the fish was too much for the wharf's > thin surface. Tom: But the fish was already on the wharf! Guybrush was holding it! Mike: Don't question. Just accept. > It groaned Mike: Even the *wharf* is ashamed to be in this fanfic. > and then gave way. Governor Phatt fell under the > dock and his six escorts looked back. While the guards were distracted, > Guybrush and his crew manned their ship and slowly started sailing away. > Governor Phatt yelled at the guards to shoot them but as they did, their > bullets ricocheted off the _Governor_ like raindrops. Tom: [puzzled] They splatted on the surface and ran together into puddles? Crow: Must be made of jelly. > > Onboard, the crew debated a location to land on the island. Mike: What's wrong with the beach? > They couldn't > let Governor Phatt drive them off. Crow: Sure they can. > Dwarfbeard made clear that Reekbeard > and Fakebeard didn't die in the city because they were in a cottage. Tom: What if the cottage was in the city? > There was only one cottage Guybrush could remember on Phatt Island and > it's skeleton wasn't Reekbeard nor Fakebeard. It had to be hidden, maybe. Mike: "Had to be... maybe". Oh yeah, we're sounding really full of confidence here. > However, there could be nowhere in the jungle for them to live. After much > debate, Mike: Which hasn't been shown, so it must be even more boring than this exposition. Bots: [shudder] > they decided to let Guybrush guide them to Rum Roger's cottage. > > The crew set anchor on a beach of an isle and descended upon a ladder to > the surface. Then, Crow: Something interesting happened! > they raced up a hill to a small cottage. Before the > building was a statue of a figurehead. Crow: Eh? Is it a statue, or is it a figurehead? Mike: Both, apparently. Crow: But... > It was a grotesque monkey with its > arm reaching out. > > "Hey, I know that figurehead!" cried Murray. "It was my ship's back in the > days when I was among the living. Tom: What's he talking about? He's surrounded by the living now! Mike: Well, it is rather hard to tell... > I remember we used the figurehead to > hold flag messages on its arm. Let me pull it." > > Frank lifted Murray until he was within reach of the statue's arm. He > pulled it down and the statue shifted back. A flight of stairs was > revealed leading down to a dark tunnel. They descended upon the stairs and > entered the passageway. > > Murray guided them through Tom: Why, has he been here before? > until they reached a turn where lights could be > seen ahead and a stench grew. Mike: To a height of eight feet. > When they followed the curve, Tom: [Homer] Mmmmmm, curvy... > they found > themselves in a small room Mike: [everyone] Well, waddaya know? We're in a small room! > with a window on each side facing the sea. Tom: All four sides? So, what, they're underwater? > There was a shelf beside the entrance and a couch before them. On the > couch sat two skeletons with beards on their skulls. Mike: If your coworker's idea of a good practical joke involves hanging fake beards on skulls, it's time to change jobs. > The stench came from > the beard of the skeleton on the left. The other's beard was falling off > his skull. Tom: Man, these skulls have really let themselves go! > Both had their diaries by their side and Guybrush took hold of > them. Unable to stand another moment among the smell, Greta Crow: Quietly suggested to Guybrush that perhaps he might like to take a bath. > pleaded to go > back first. The crew agreed and when they withdrew from the tunnel system, > Guybrush read Reekbeard's diary. Crow: Why didn't Guybrush go with them? Mike: Now he's just being sneaky. > > *May 19, > Fakebeard and I decided that the time has come when our lives should end. > 'Tis a sad moment but it would eventually come. And it's better than > Nerdbeard's doom, anyway. My last words shall be to recount the moment > when Nerdbeard sailed off into the Rhombus of Fire-* > > Guybrush found the rest of the entry useless. Mike: The last words of a dying man *useless*? Crow: This story grows more and more disturbing. > He just had to find out the > range of the Rhombus. Mike: After all, time was pressing, and that soppy emotional stuff wasn't helping them find the treasure! Tom: They're not after treasure-- Mike: You know what I mean. > He read Fakebeard's diary. > > *May 21, > This shall be my last entry. I shall depart side by side with my good > friend, Reekbeard. I've even overcome his stench, which shall be a > remembered achievement to me in the afterlife. Tom: "Fakebeard: Developed an uncanny resistance to bodily odours." Crow: Yep, I can see how that's going to be an important skill in the afterlife. > I received a letter from > the monk that translated the scroll of the voodoo gauntlet I found years > ago. It seemed Nerdbeard entrusted to him the Finger of Life. Well, that's > the last bit of news I shall hear, for my time has come.* > > Guybrush couldn't believe it. Nerdbeard gave the finger away to someone > that will take forever to find unless they find Nerdbeard's ship. Tom: Which has turbo boosters! Crow: Cool! > They boarded the _Governor_ and set sail. > > *** > > Dwarfbeard mapped out the Rhombus of Fire to Guybrush. Apparently, it was > between the islands of Skull and Melee. The range covered from 16 to 22 > degrees north Tom: A whole six degrees of latitude? That's over four hundred miles! > and 71 to 80 degrees west. Tom: Plus six hundred miles of longitude... > Guybrush studied the map > carefully. Nerdbeard's ship could've sunk anywhere between the Rhombus. Crow: [Guybrush] Might as well give up. > Then, he faced Dwarfbeard. > > "We still haven't read your diary," he said. Mike: What is it with this recurring peeping-in-diaries motif? Tom: I'd rather not know, Mike. > > "And ye ain't gonna," said Dwarfbeard. "It's my diary." > > "Well, maybe it contains the last clue we need to find Nerdbeard's ship," > said Guybrush. Tom: Wouldn't Dwarfbeard already know if it did? > "You read it and then tell me." > > To that, Dwarfbeard agreed. He entered his cabin and came back a few > moments later. Mike: Must be a short diary. > He explained to the crew that one part of the entry > describing his last day with the other pirates stated that Nerdbeard said > some sort of riddle to him. Tom: [shudders] That's one massive hero sandwich of a sentence... > > Dwarfbeard drew on a blank sheet of paper symbols Nerdbeard used for his > riddle. There was a rhombus with numbers surrounding it. A line from the > bottom right of the rhombus elevated until it stopped at the number 18. > Beside the rhombus was written "A=1296". > > Guybrush turned to Dwarfbeard. "What kind of riddle is that?" he laughed Tom: I pour scorn on your puny riddle! > > "Hey, we couldn't solve it," said Dwarfbeard. > > "Well, it's only a little math," said Greta. Crow: Hooray, math! This fanfic's got everything! > "The rhombus suggests Tom: Oh, so it's an INTELLIGENT rhombus? > Nerdbeard sailed into the Rhombus of Fire All: Duh! > while the numbers indicate the > range of the Rhombus. Nerdbeard gave the area of the rhombus using 18 as > his altitude. Tom: Eighteen what? > All you have to do is divide the area to the altitude and > you get 72 as your answer." Tom: Seventy-two what?! > > "No wonder," said Elaine. "Dwarfbeard and the other pirates didn't know > math. Crow: [Dwarfbeard] Hey! Mike: [Elaine] Nothing personal. > That's why Nerdbeard chose this riddle." > > "But it's so easy!" said Guybrush. Mike: [Guybrush] No offense, Dwarfbeard, but you're a loser. > He hastily took the steering wheel Crow: Why, was it about to leave? > and set a course to where Nerdbeard's ship sank - 18 degrees north and 72 > degrees west. Crow: There's your answer, Tom: latitude and longitude. Tom: I'd just like to take this opportunity to point out that latitude and longitude are *not* units of measurement. > > *** > > The _Governor_ entered the Rhombus of Fire, the forbidden waters between > Skull Island and Melee Island. Mike: Oh, good. > As they neared their destination, Frank and > his friends began to fear that they would never depart the Rhombus. Tom: That's nice... > Dwarfbeard and Greta comforted them saying they had Guybrush as the > captain. Crow: I'm glad to hear it... > Elaine and Guybrush felt so close to finishing their quest that > they could just taste it. Tom: Aaargh! Can't he just, for *once*, describe what *actually happened*?? Mike: This fanfic is the epitome of "tell don't show". > > The ship suddenly stopped and the crew crowded the steering wheel. Crow: [crewman] I wanna drive! Tom: [crewman] No, it's MY turn! > They > had dropped anchor and reached their objective. Guybrush climbed to the > edge of the ship and stared down into the water. > > "Wait!" cried Dwarfbeard. "Don't drown yourself now!" Tom: [Dwarfbeard] Wait until I've had a chance to push you into the water! > > "No," said Guybrush. "I'm getting down to that ship. I can hold my breath > for ten minutes, y'know." > > "So can I!" cried Greta. "I could help." > > Guybrush sighed. "All right, but stay close to me." Crow: [Guybrush] This is man's work, honey. > > Greta climbed beside Guybrush and they both jumped into the sea while the > crew prayed for their safety. Mike: Their own, that is. > As they descended, the waters became darker > and sea creatures became scarce. They peered down and perceived Tom: Saw! > the ship. > Then, Mike: I think our author is just a little fond of starting his sentences with "Then,". > they swam towards it and entered through a crack in the starboard > side. > > The ship was dark and debris and skeletons littered it. They searched for > a whole five minutes Tom: Wow! Five minutes! > until they found Nerdbeard's skeleton. Crow: How'd they know it was Nerdbeard's? > Like all his > other pirate friends, he had a beard on his skull Crow: Oh. > and held a diary. Mike: What, after years underwater? > Guybrush yanked the diary along with Nerdbeard's hand Tom: Why take the hand? Crow: It'll look great on the mantelpiece. > and then beckoned > Greta to follow him. They swam outside to an anchor beside the ship. Greta > pulled on it and the anchor was being hauled up. Soon, they were safely > onboard the decks of the _Governor_ again. > > Elaine embraced Greta Tom: [Greta] Huh? > and kissed Guybrush, Crow: [Guybrush] Woohoo! > thankful for their safe return. > Dwarfbeard took the diary and turned to the last entry. However, the ink > was soaked and they couldn't read it. Crow: Serves those dirty diary-snoopers right. > Then a paper fell from the diary. > When Elaine took it from the floor, she noticed it was laminated. It was > a rewrite of the last entry. Tom: Well, they couldn't read the diary, so how'd they know it was the last entry? Mike: Er... > > *December 2, > I've crossed the threshold into the Rhombus of Fire. The conundrum I > provided to my former companions shall baffle them beyond eternity. Tom: [Nerdbeard] They're not very smart. Crow: He's got that right. > Meanwhile, I shall pass on my finger of the Witch Doctor's Treasure to the > monk who translated its scroll. He himself lives in the arcane island of > Bulky. However, I doubt anyone alive will find him.* Mike: [Nerdbeard] But then I thought that rhombus puzzle was tough, so what do I know? > > Guybrush enveloped his face in his hands. No one knew where Bulky Island > was save Haggis McMutton's former captain, who took its location to his > grave. Crow: So just track down the grave. No problem! > He took the diary book and threw it on the deck. Tom: [Guybrush] Darn it all to heck! > When it landed, > the covers were opened and Greta noticed it looked like a map. The covers > had lines engraved in them and they all formed the area that housed > Plunder Island and Blood Island. Tom: Oh, joy. Mike: Try and look interested, Tom. > East of them was a small piece of land. > > "Bulky Island!" cried Elaine. Crow: Bulky? Small? YOU decide! > "But wait, there're some words on the > covers." > > As Murray bent over to investigate, he read the words to be: "To > Nerdbeard, The Enlightened Pirate. From (Captain) Monk McJuggernaut". > Haggis' captain became a monk before becoming a pirate. Mike: He must have had a reverse conversion. > He gave the diary > to Nerdbeard because it had the map to Bulky Island, which was east of > Plunder and Blood. > > They set sail for the small island. It would take them at least a day and > a half to reach Bulky. So, they had to make haste and end their journey. Crow: You can say that again. > They hoisted the sails and set their course. However, they had to exit the > Rhombus safely, a task which no one had accomplished. Then, Murray > suggested Crow: Huh? They're out, just like that? Mike: So much for tension. > they sail towards Skull Island and then continue from there. Guybrush saw > it Tom: Well, at least he didn't perceive it. > to be a safe plan and so he set another course towards Skull. That would > take them until dawn to reach there, so they started immediately. Tom: The crew is really eager to see the sun rise? I don't follow... > > *** > > Their journey was calm and enthusiastic. Mike: The crew had been cooped up together too long, and schizophrenia was starting to set in... > The crew were excited about the > discovery of Bulky Island. Tom: But they haven't gotten there yet! > When they finally reached Skull, they knew > they were the first human beings to escape the Rhombus of Fire. Mike: Although, given how easy it was, some of the smarter members of the crew started to wonder about that... > Then, > they turned northeastward towards Bulky for the final stage of their > quest. Crow: [Max] Ack! He said "quest"! > > After another quiet journey, the crew of the _Governor_ caught sight of > land. They had reached Bulky Island. It was a very small landform > enveloped with jungles and a large volcano. Mike: [sceptical] That could be a hundred islands around these parts. > They dropped anchor before > Bulky Island and Guybrush climbed the ladder down to the surface. > Following him was Dwarfbeard who himself was followed by Murray. Tom: Who himself was followed by Elaine who herself was followed by Greta who herself was- Mike: We get it, Tom. > > Guybrush turned round to the remaining crew. "I need all of you to guard > the ship." Crow: [crew] Awww! But we wanna go pick bananas! > > The crew nodded reluctantly, especially Elaine and Greta. They had to go > along but they knew they couldn't disobey Guybrush, Mike: Why not? Tom: Women's lib this ain't. > so they watched him > go. > > Guybrush and Dwarfbeard cut their way through the jungle Mike: Causing irreparable damage to the local ecology, but let's not worry about that now. > until they > reached a trail Mike: [Dwarfbeard] Hey, there's a trail! Crow: [Guybrush] Aah, who cares. Let's keep hackin'. > leading to a pair of trees that created an arch. Beyond > it was a cabin of wood. Tom: CABIN... OF... WOOOOOOD! Mike: Tom, I'm worried about you. > They entered through the archway and opened the > door to the cabin. Inside, light poured through the two windows and the > door. There was a table and a chair in one corner and a skeleton was seen > in the corner opposite. > > Unlike the other pirates, he had no diary. Tom: A skeleton without a diary. I'm in shock. > However, his left middle finger > gave a bright gold sheen. It was the Finger of Life. They had found it at > last. Then, Guybrush pocketed the finger. Tom: Instead of fingering the pocket. Mike: Don't start that again. > > As he was about to leave, Guybrush suddenly noticed another skeleton under > a window. Crow: Monkey Island: The Killing Fields. > It had a piece of paper in its hand. He, Dwarfbeard and Murray > stopped before it. Tom: What exactly is Murray doing with them, anyway? > Then, Dwarfbeard whispered something. Crow: Why? Who's gonna hear? > > "Threepwood. So that's where you went." > > "Dad?" said Guybrush. Tom: [badly confused] Did he just call Dwarfbeard 'Dad'? Mike: No, he's talking to the skeleton. Crow: Thanks, Mike. That makes *so* much more sense... > "I thought you were on Dinky." He read his > father's paper. Tom: [Guybrush] Cool, a National Enquirer from 1978! > > *January 12, > Today, my life shall be complete. Crow: "The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is arriving in the mail!" > But before I pass on to the realms of > the afterlife, I would just like to make amends for my mistakes. I love > my wife and my daughter, Greta. Mike: Ummm... was that one of the mistakes? > But, I was so foolish as to abandon my > first child, never admitting my love for him. If I could go back in time, > I'd change that. Crow: Huh? Well, if I went back in time I'd make millions betting on sporting events! Mike: Yes, well you're not like normal people, Crow. > My punishment is now depression. I will never see my son > and tell him I love him. However, I have faith he'll find me here, even on > Bulky Island. And when he does, I want him to know I love him and I'm > sorry. Tom: "Sorry I love him." Mike: Tom! This is the tender bit! > I'm proud of my son, Guybrush Threepwood.* > > Guybrush felt tears in his eyes. His father did love him. He wiped the > tears and pocketed the letter. Now, he knew the truth. Mike: But he couldn't handle the truth. > > "I love you too, Dad," he whispered. Tom: [sniff] Crow: Waaah!! > > Suddenly, Murray spoke. " I don't mean to interrupt, but I can't believe > out of all the skeletons we've seen, I never realised I could use them as > bodies." [Tom and Crow are recovering] Mike: Say, are you guys all right? Tom: We're okay. It just got on top of us there. > > "Well," started Dwarfbeard, "take the monk's." > > "Really?" asked Murray in an overjoyed tone. Crow: [Murray] A double date with Elle McPherson and Cindy Crawford? > > "Go on, take it," said Guybrush, taking the monk's skull off. Tom: What about a proper burial for the monk? > > "Thank you!" cried Murray. > > Murray made his skull leap and fall on the neck of the skeleton. His other > body fell lifeless to the floor. They exited the cabin and made their way > back to the _Governor_. To their dismay, it was deserted. Suddenly, there > was a yelping sound from behind. Tom: It's a dog! > > As Guybrush, Dwarfbeard, and Murray turned, undead soldiers surrounded > them. Crow: No, it's undead soldiers. Tom: Undead soldiers "yelp"? > The boned menaces aimed their cutlasses at them. Suddenly, water > started to flow between the legs of the skeletons. All: EWWW!! > Some of the soldiers > backed away and the water froze to ice. Crow: Don't eat the yellow snow... Mike: This is truly sick. > Then, it shaped itself into a > robust skeleton attired in a coat and a hat with icy needles coming from > within its brim. The emerald glow in his eyes made him look sinister and > his breath was colder than death. Tom: So it's slightly below room temperature, then. > > "Guess who?" he smiled. Tom: Rolf Harris? Crow: Boris Yelstin? Mike: Abraham Lincoln? > > "No, it can't be!" exclaimed Guybrush. Mike: Stock dialogue line #77: collect them all! > > "Oh, yes," smiled the skeleton. "I, LeChuck, still walk among the earth!" Crow: So he's a gopher? > > Dwarfbeard drew his cutlass but LeChuck sent a beam of ice towards it. Mike: Now it's "Batman and Robin" [pause] All: AAAAAAAGH! > The coldness forced Dwarfbeard to release his cutlass and it fell to the > ground, frozen. Mike: A frozen cutlass is still pretty deadly. > > "I think you and I shall have a long talk, Threepwood," smiled LeChuck. Crow: Oh, thrill. > > > > Part Three: The Resurrection Mike: They're going to try and revive Alicia Silverstone's career! > > Guybrush, Dwarfbeard, Elaine, Greta, Murray, and the Men of Low Moral > Fibre (Pirates) Mike: Yes, just in case you'd forgotten, the Men of Low Moral Fibre are still pirates. > were led by spectres into the throne room of LeChuck's > ice palace on Monkey Island. They had sailed from Bulky and kept the > prisoners heavily guarded. Once the ghost ship arrived at the shores of > Dinky Island, the crew and their prisoners took the underwater tunnel > to the area of Monkey Island where the Carnival of the Damned once stood. > Now, it was but Tom: A trifle! > a towering ice castle. > > Water crept up the throne Mike: They really should do something about that rising damp. > and shaped itself into LeChuck. Crow: So our supervillain is a blob of water? Tom: Seems that way. > Guybrush was > forced on his knees by one of the ghosts and he faced LeChuck, who > revealed a heinous smile. Mike: Behind curtain #3. > The ice demon trudged towards his archenemy and > laughed. Mike: Then he remembered Guybrush. > > "I could turn you into ice right now and destroy your body," he started, > "but Crow: "--it would be the intelligent thing to do, so I can't." > I have other plans for you." > > "What's with the voodoo gauntlet, LeChuck?" demanded Guybrush. Mike: What's with it, man? > > "Patience!" cried LeChuck. He faced Guybrush and spoke in a hateful voice. > "You buried me in that ice pile and left me there for an entire year! It > took Largo LaGrande four months to rescue me and another eight months to > retrieve the Witch Doctor's Treasure. Tom: [confused] LeChuck was in the ice pile for twelve months and he spent eight of those months retrieving the treasure? IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!! > However, when I found it, the Finger > of Life was gone. Crow: [LeChuck] I've been robbed! Mike: Once more with that riff, Crow, and you're out of here. > It was with that finger that I could use to defeat you." Tom: Okay, my parser's shutting right down... > > "Then what's the plan?" asked Guybrush. > > LeChuck laughed. "Don't expect me to tell you here, Guybrush Threepwood! > Another question." > > Guybrush thought. Mike: Light slowed. Tom: Entropy reversed. Crow: Pigs flew. > "Why does your army have skeletons and ghosts? I thought > it was just ghosts." > > "Thar be a lot of explaining for that," replied LeChuck. All: Noooooo!! > "You see, when a person dies, their spirit has the chance to achieve > freedom. However, if they were buried and they had a funeral, their spirit > cannot roam the earth since it was prevented so by the holiness of its > burial. Tom: So the only way your spirit survives death is if you're an atheist? Crow: [chuckles] Now that's irony. > On the other hand, if it were to be left to rot or if the