MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 |Satellite of Love| (MIKE is standing there, smiling, waving at the camera) MIKE: Hello. I'm Mike Nelson. Welcome to the Satellite of... (Tom and Crow enter, engaged in an argument.) TOM: If you hadn't left them under the lamp so long... CROW: Oh, and so now it's all my fault! MIKE: (addressing the camera first) Hang on a minute. (now to Tom and Crow) Uh... what's going on, guys? CROW: Oh nothing, Mike. It's just that we're stranded here in space with a murderer, that's all. TOM: Yes, Mike, indeed we are. And that chrome, duck-shaped little heathen is right here in this room! MIKE: Alright, hold on, hold on. Who murdered who? TOM: Crow murdered our Sea Monkeys, Mike. MIKE: Sea monkeys? CROW: The story goes like this- we were up late last night watching QVC, and we saw this advertisement for a Sea Monkeys starter kit. We placed an order using your credit-card... MIKE: My credit card? TOM:... and the package arrived this morning. Well, Crow here decided that we should get started right away, so we broke out the old terrarium... MIKE: My credit card?! CROW: And started growing the Sea Monkeys. Well, Tom here left them under the lamp too long, so the poor little buggers roasted alive. TOM: You were supposed to be watching the lamp, Crow, not me! MIKE: MY credit card?!! (Suddenly, Gypsy enters) GYPSY: Warning, warning! Microscopic zombie sea monkeys have taken over the satellite! They're getting into all the systems. Estimated time until complete Satellite shutdown is 2 hours and 3 minutes. TOM: Did you hear that, Crow? Our sea monkeys are alive! CROW: Yay! (he and Tom do a celebration dance) TOM AND CROW: (chanting) Our sea monkeys are alive! Our sea monkies are alive! GYPSY: Didn't anyone hear me? Those bloodthirsty little devils are eating away at our satellite components! MIKE: YOU USED MY CREDIT CARD?! |CASTLE FORRESTER} OBSERVER: Oh, uh, Pearl! Pearl! The satellite is ready for today's fan-fiction! PEARL: (enters) Oh, good. Step aside, Powder. (shoves Observer out of the way.) |SOL| MIKE: (strangling Tom and Crow| YOU USED MY CREDIT CARD! ...wait a minute, I don't even have a credit card... |CASTLE FORRESTER| PEARL: Nelson! Pay attention when your captor is speaking! Now, we're going to try something a little different today... |SOL| CROW: As long as it's not a telethon hosted by Oliver Platt and Whoopi Goldberg again... |CASTLE FORRESTER| PEARL: Even better! Today, we have a Monkey-Island fan-fic! Brain-Guy, send the story! OBSERVER: As you wish. (concentrates) |SOL| TOM: Our little babies... they're alive... GYPSY: They're going to destroy the Satellite! CROW: (sniffing) Yeah... they grow up so fast. (FAN-FIC SIGN STARTS BLARING) MIKE: We got Fan-Fic sign! Let's go! TOM: Our little sea-monkey friends... MIKE: Would you knock it off?! (10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1) GUYBRUSH, ELAINE AND GRIGNR by Chris Ratcliff (ryback@fcmail.com) TOM: Ratcliff- Heathcliff's arch-nemesis. In a dim stonewalled room scores of feet below ground, the gaunt sorcerer flexed his fingers and muttered the final sentence of the spell. CROW: |Denise Austin| And flex those fingers! And one, and two, and one... Thin flutes of smoke wreathed up from the two glass jars laid on the table in front of him, curled around his head, and pooled together beneath the uneven, hacked-out ceiling. The air was close and still, despite two low passages on either side that led up and out to the warren-like maze of organic passages above. Here, save for the mutterings of the sorcerer, there was total silence. MIKE: |Muttering Sorcerer| (mumble...mumble...) TOM: |Landlady| Hey! Keep it down in there! Hundreds of feet above, snow lay in ragged, discoloured clumps on the jagged spikes of the Rokian mountains. The sorcerer came to the final word of the spell. It passed his lips as the barest whisper, MIKE: Oh for Heaven's sake! Somebody put some clothes on that whisper! and immediately the room was dark. Two points of light appeared in the glass jars. They slowly floated upward, along the sinuous smoke trails, leaving a path of light as they went, like a vine pushing itself through the soil. The tiny sprites of light moved upward, coming together in the smoke near the ceiling and merging as one. Then they moved outward, seeking the two passages. Hugging the ceiling, they moved out of the sorcerer's sight. The sorcerer sighed and gratefully sat in the chair behind him. CROW: |Sorcerer| Oh, and I am so grateful for this chair right here... In his mind's eye he could see the smoky light slowly moving through the passages above him, sometimes pausing at junctions, but always moving onward, upward. And then coming to a fissure in the surface of the earth, moving out, and spreading inexorably across the land... The sorcerer smiled, and closed his eyes. He saw himself zooming upward, ALL: Wheeee! straining to keep the ever-widening circle of his spell in vision. Then, spotting a dark figure on horseback, zooming back in, on long unwashed locks of hair falling down over bare, muscled shoulders, on the longsword strapped to one side, on the rippling, bodybuilder biceps and rope-taut forearms. He saw the circle of his spell behind the figure, coming on faster, reaching and finally encircling him... TOM: This narrative here reminds me of those paperbacks with Fabio on painted on the cover. The smile became a grin. Then a leer. The sorcerer began to cackle. Guybrush slowly struggled up from sleep. CROW: |Guybrush| Nnngh, nngha... (panting)... man, it gets harder and harder to not sleep every morning. He'd been dreaming, a vaguely disturbing dream MIKE: Must've been the sauerkraut dream again. involving pinking shears... but the details were already fading, as Guybrush became aware of his surroundings - the downy pillow beneath his head, the silky sheets he lay on. Guybrush opened his eyes. Grey glimmers of light peeked out through the bedroom curtain, giving the merest outline to the furniture kept here - the bedroom dresser, the old dusty armchair in one corner, a rare antique chest stolen by Elaine's grandfather. Guybrush rolled over, but the space next to him in the bed was empty. So Elaine was up. Guybrush wasn't surprised. The woman was a workaholic. MIKE: |Elaine| Hello... my name is Elaine... and I'm a 'workaholic'. TOM AND CROW: |Workaholic Annonymous Members| Hi Elaine! MIKE: |Elaine| I'm happy to announce... it's been six months since I've so much as put my plate in the dishwasher! TOM AND CROW: (applause) Up at six each morning, and straight into the paperwork. Half hour break at twelve, time to have lunch, talk to Guybrush, and give Philbert and the chef their tasks. Back to work. Six and a half hours, without a break. Seven o'clock, come out and have dinner in the backyard, as the sun set below the ocean. CROW: It's so good to see that the sun has overcome it's hydrophobia. More talk with Guybrush. If she'd thought she'd done enough work for the day - and days like that were becoming rarer - they would have time for several hours talk before they went to bed. If not, it was back to the workstudy. At first, Guybrush had waited for her in their bedroom, later he just went to sleep at the first opportunity. Elaine could make you wait a long time. Thinking about all this now just made Guybrush tired. MIKE: |Guybrush| Hoo-boy! All this thinking's sure wearing me out! Better lay off for awhile! CROW: That'd explain the rest of this story. He rolled back on his side, and shut his eyes. Back in the world of sleep, a world of warm blankets, soft mattresses and blessed inactivity. TOM: George W. Bush's brain? Guybrush smiled. Then a loud, thumping sound jerked him out of this blissful state. An urgent knocking on their front door. MIKE: As opposed to the "just to let you know I'm here, take as long as you want to answer the door" kind of knock. Guybrush sighed and got out of bed. Rubbing his bleary eyes, he stepped into a pair of slippers TOM: |Guybrush| I thought I smelled something! and pulled a robe over his pyjamas. The pyjamas were pink and yellow, with cute puppies on them, and Guybrush judged it might be wise to hide them when talking to their visitor. As he came down the stairs, the noise started again, as five short agitated knocks. Then the visitor - whoever he was - fell silent. Guybrush paused at the foot of the stairs. Listening, he could hear the faint noise of activity coming from Elaine's workstudy. Obviously she must have heard the knocking, yet she hadn't even opened her door. Guybrush knew why - receiving visitors was his job - yet it still disturbed him. Frowning, Guybrush pushed these thoughts away. He crossed the room, and opened the door on their visitor. It was a Booty Island pirate, CROW: Booty Island... Mike, can we vacation there next summer? MIKE: No. about thirty, tall and haggard with filthy-smelling clothes. Of course, most pirates looked like that. Most pirates, however, did not look like Satan was hot on their heels, carrying a pitchfork with their name on it. TOM: Yes. Everyone knows that Pirates all look like God is chasing them with a flashlight and a basket of hamdingers. "Guybrush Threepwood!" gasped the pirate, and Guybrush was able to place him - it was Dan Rotgut, a destitute half-pirate half-highway robber. CROW: Interesting resume'. Most of the time he stayed well clear of Ville de la Booty, and Elaine personally hated him with a vengeance. So what could have driven him here? TOM: I'm going to go out on a limb with this and guess... a car, maybe? Dan, having identified Guybrush, didn't seem to know what to say next. MIKE: |Dan| Psst... line! Line! Anyone? He looked around with wild eyes, and his hands shook up to his face, then fell back. "Guybrush... I... there's..." he stammered. Dan shook his head, and seemed to recover some sanity. "Could I talk to Elaine?" Guybrush, who was getting unnerved by Dan's behaviour, shook his head. "Elaine's busy," he said. "Why don't you tell me whatever it is? I'm sure you know Elaine isn't exactly your biggest fan." "Yeah, I know. But this news is too important. She's got to hear it." "She will. Look, why don't you take a seat. I'll pour us both a grog. Start from the beginning..." TOM: |Dan| In the beginning, God created the heavens and... CROW: |Guybrush| Wrong beginning! Twenty minutes later, Guybrush walked with slow, uncertain strides to Elaine's workstudy. He'd left Dan in the front room, staring at the walls as if they might suddenly rush at him. MIKE: |Walls| There he is! Get him! CROW AND TOM: |Walls| rrrrRRRAAAaaaAAuuugh! After hearing Dan's tale, Guybrush felt a little bit that way himself. He knocked twice on the workstudy door. The noise from within stopped. "Who?" said Elaine. "It's Guybrush. I've- there's this bit of very important news I think you should hear." TOM: |Guybrush| I'm pregnant. "Okay," said Elaine. Guybrush opened the door. Elaine sat at her desk, turned away from her paperwork and looking at Guybrush. Her eyes were bright and inquisitive. "What's the story?" said Elaine. Guybrush looked around for a chair, and saw none. He could sit on some of these piles of paperwork - but Elaine probably wouldn't appreciate it. So he remained standing. "That pirate at the door was Dan Rotgut," said Guybrush. He saw Elaine's face darken CROW: Look! She's got a mood-face! at Dan's name, but she didn't interrupt. "There's been some commotion in Ville de la Booty." Elaine sat and listened. "Apparently," said Guybrush. "Dan was drinking in the Slimepot with five other pirates. Sometime during the night, they all heard a loud yell. They all got up to the window and looked out, and there was a huge man outside, mounted on a grey horse, and holding a sword in one hand. He was staring at the inn and bellowing." "Bellowing?" "That's what Dan said," said Guybrush. "Anyway, said Dan, what they all noticed at first was that he didn't look *local*. MIKE: |Guybrush| He had six heads and tail. He had really long hair which came down below his shoulders, and he was wearing a series of gold bracelets around his wrists and ankles. The sword was about twice as long as your regular pirate sword, and looked really heavy. CROW: Is it me, or does this guy have "Rennaisance Festival" written all over him? Dan said none of them had seen anything like him. He looked foreign." "Guybrush," said Elaine, "much as I am enjoying all these incidental details, could you please get to the point?" "Okay, I'll try," said Guybrush. "Like I said, the man was bellowing, and they all thought he was talking in a different language, until they realised he was just shouting his name over and over. His name was Grignr." TOM: Grignr? I put that in my tasty-cake pastries! MIKE: I think you mean "Ginger". CROW: Ginger? That's my favorite Spice Girl! MIKE: Nevermind. "Grignr?" Elaine looked amused and interested. MIKE: |Elaine| Gringr! Ha! I get it! "Grignr. So Grignr's outside the Slimepot, on his horse, shouting 'Grignr! Grignr!' Dan and all his mates thought this was pretty funny, and one of them - Hap Yardley - took a mug and went outside. 'Fancy a drink?' Hap said, and gave him the drink. Grignr looked down at him and said, 'Ho, a pint of your finest ale!' and he took the mug and quaffed it in one. Then he went berserk. He jumped down from the horse and hit Hap over the head with the mug. Those Slimepot mugs are pretty thick, but this one burst as it hit Hap's skull. Hap went down. CROW: So far, this is every episode of COPS rolled into one. "Dan and his pirate mates all saw this, and as Hap hit the ground two of them stood up and grabbed their swords - Fred Twice and Vince Trapley. The two best swordfighters on Booty, as I'm sure you know. They went outside, where Grignr was standing over Hap with a stupid look on his face. He was shouting 'Grignr! Grignr!' again. Fred and Vince stood either side of him, swords in hand, and Grignr didn't even seem to know they were there. Fred shouted 'My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!' and that was Vince's cue to come up behind the stunned Grignr and stab him in the neck. "But it didn't work. Grignr didn't react to the insult at all. When Vince drew back his sword arm, Grignr suddenly dropped into a crouch, grabbed his longsword, and swung it around in a low arc. The sword went cleanly through both of Vince's legs, and Vince toppled backward screaming. TOM: This reads like the script to SEVEN. Grignr jumped back up in front of the shocked Fred, and ran him through with the sword, right to the hilt. When he pulled it back out, Fred fell without a sound. TOM: You mean, no sound at all? CROW: No "Grignr, Grignr"? MIKE: No screaming? TOM: Nothing? Then Grignr turned back to Vince. He was lying helplessly on his back, legs ending in bloody stumps, and just beyond them, two boots still standing together on the ground. Grignr shouted 'Death to the Simarian dogs!' and cut Vince's head off." MIKE: Heh, those Frat rivalries can get really serious on Booty Island. Elaine no longer looked amused. "By this time," continued Guybrush, "Dan and his pals weren't feeling any more righteous anger. Instead, as he saw this stranger butcher two of Booty Island's strongest pirates, Dan said he was more afraid than he'd ever been in his whole life. He and his two mates ran out the back way along with the barkeeper, who'd also seen everything, and when they thought they were far enough away they turned around and looked back. TOM: (singing to tune of "Don't Turn Around" by Ace of Base) Don't turn around! 'Cause you're gonna' see Slimepot baking! Don't turn around! You don't want see that bar fry! By the time they did, the Slimepot was a ball of flame, and Grignr was riding toward them, sword in one hand, a flaming torch in the other. ALL: |Grignr| HUZZAH! Dan and the others ducked into an alley, and somehow the light from the burning Slimepot must have blinded Grignr, because he went right by them. They waited there for an hour, and Dan said they heard all sorts of noise - screams, the slam of heavy doors and bolts, flames licking to the heavens, heavy footfalls. MIKE: Babies crying, applause, the theme song to "CHiPS"... Dan says he still doesn't know what happened in that hour... and he's afraid to return to Ville de la Booty and find out." "Go on," said Elaine. "Finish the story." CROW: |Guybrush| But that was the end... TOM: |Elaine| FINISH IT NOW! "Okay. After the hour was up, Dan and his mates decided they were getting right out of Ville de la Booty. Except, they thought one of them should stay behind and come and tell the Gover- tell *us* what was going on. Dan drew the short straw. So, while the other three were boarding the ship _Blue's Heaven_ and casting off, Dan was creeping out of Ville de la Booty along the darkest paths he could find." MIKE: Those paths are always playing Hide And Seek. Guybrush paused, reluctant to continue. Finally he said, "A few minutes after he made it out of Ville de la Booty, Dan got lost. I asked him about this, because Dan probably knows this island better than anyone else. He said the land had changed. The vegetation thinned out, TOM: |Salesman Voice| Do you have a receding vegetation line? Well, you don't need to be ashamed any more! Try Ch-ch-ch-chia Rogaine! and the land got rocky and barren. Dan didn't recognise any of it. All the landmarks that were supposed to be there, like that thin stream running with yellow water, were gone. MIKE: |Guybrush| Except for Larry's House o' Centipedes... that was still there. "And - this is just Dan guessing - but he thought this land was where Grignr came from." Guybrush stopped. "That's the story. Somehow Dan just kept going and found his way back to landmarks he recognised. He's still here, and I think he expects us to do something." Elaine looked thoughtful - and doubtful. "Guybrush," she said, "are you sure he wasn't telling you a tall tale? Some pirates have a strange sense of humour-" MIKE: Oh yeah, I hear that. One time, this pirate covered me in Shake-And-Bake and insisted that I sing the "I feel like Chicken tonight" jingle. "I'm quite sure," said Guybrush. "If you'd seen Dan, you'd be sure too." "Okay, maybe he's sincere. But you said he and his mates had been drinking. Perhaps he just hallucinated the whole thing. Pirate D.T.'s." TOM: I'll grant that I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure beer doesn't qualify as a hallucinogen. "Yeah, I guess that's possible," said Guybrush. "But I really don't think he could have made the whole thing up. You know Dan, he's got the imagination of a dung beetle." "Look, Guybrush, whole landscapes don't change overnight." CROW: Unless you're living in a Pink Floyd Album cover. "I'm not saying I believe everything he said," said Guybrush. MIKE: |Guybrush| I found the parts about how he scored with Elizabeth Hurley and Catharine Zeta-Jones to be especially questionable. "But I think we should check it out." Elaine sighed. She looked back at her desk, and the small mound of paper arranged unevenly on top of it. "Perhaps we could do this later-" "Check it out *now*." The slight edge in Guybrush's voice seemed to decide Elaine. She stood up. "Okay," she said. "I'll go get changed." CROW: So she's becoming a butterfly? Five minutes later, in the bedroom, Elaine had changed. She had discarded the robe and spectacles, and now wore leather boots, sturdy black pants, a faded leather vest over a ruffled purple shirt, and a floral bandanna tying back her hair. As Guybrush entered the bedroom, he saw her on tiptoes, rummaging around in the cupboard. TOM: |Elaine| Now where did I put our copy of "Candyland"? "There it is." She drew back, and in one hand she held a sword. Elaine looked at it for a moment. "Oh, it's yours." Not even looking around, she tossed the sword in Guybrush's direction. Caught by surprise, Guybrush nearly fumbled and caused himself a nasty hand injury. Elaine was already pulling out a second sword, and she looked more satisfied with this one. MIKE: So Guybrush loses a couple of fingers, and she's looking for stuff to sell on "Antiques Roadshow"? She swished it left and right, experimentally. "Not too bad. Haven't used one of these in years..." On the bedroom dresser behind Elaine, Guybrush could see a small pile of Booty Island maps, a spyglass, a knife, and one of Elaine's larger gemstones. TOM: Heh heh, not to mention her- MIKE: (frantically clamps his hand over Tom's mouth) Tom! This is a family story! Elaine finally stopped her activity, and looked, slightly self-consciously, at Guybrush. "I thought you didn't take Dan's story seriously," said Guybrush. "Oh, I don't," said Elaine instantly. "This is just for show. Don't want Dan, or any other of my constituents, to think I'm not taking them seriously. Now are you ready? I'd like to get this over nice and early." They moved downstairs, TOM: |Mother| Honey, we're moving! CROW: |Child| Where to? TOM: |Mother| Oh, downstairs. CROW: |Child| Aw mom! I'll have to say goodbye to all of my friends! where Dan was waiting. As soon as he saw them, he grasped their intent. "You're going out there to fight this barbarian? *On your own?*" "Well, what else would you suggest?" snapped Elaine. TOM: |Dan| I was going to suggest we call out for pizza and throw a pool party. "Booty Island doesn't have a standing army or security force. There's nobody for us to send, so we'll go ourselves. Now, are you coming with us?" Dan looked around, afraid. "I'd rather-" "Let me make myself clear," said Elaine. "You've only got two choices. Come with us, or go someplace else. MIKE: Isn't that sort of like offering someone the choice to either "breathe" or "not breathe"? You're not staying here. I wouldn't trust you within ten miles of this mansion." CROW: |Elaine| Now if we were fifteen miles away, it'd be a different story. She stepped forward, and pointed the tip of her sword at Dan. "Now decide." Dan sat frozen, looking at Elaine's sword. Finally he found his voice. "With all respect, Miss Governor, if you're going to Ville de la Booty, I'd rather be going somewhere else." "The door's there." TOM: |Guybrush| So that's where the tricky devil has been hiding! Dan stood up. Annoyance had melted some of the cold fear on his face. "Understood. Thank you so much for your hospitality, Miss Governor." He left. Elaine was seething. "So that's their name for me, is it? *Miss Governor!?* I've been out of Ville de la Booty too long..." (1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10) |SOL| (MIKE is standing, reading a newspaper calmly. All of a sudden, TOM rides by on a horse in the background. Mike looks up, confused, shrugs, then goes back to his paper.) TOM: (off screen) SERVO! MIKE: (looks around, then goes back to his paper) TOM: (off screen) SERVO!! MIKE: (does not take notice) TOM:(enters, still on horse, with a small sword attached to his hand.) Uh, Mike? Mike? MIKE: (not taking his eyes off the paper) Mmm? TOM: SERVO! (Mike does not react. Tom pokes him a few times with the sword.) Servo? (quietly begins to sob) CROW: (walks in) Oh hi, Mike. (sees Tom, poking Mike, while sobbing quietly) Uh, Mike? What's Tom doing? MIKE: Oh, he's just acting like Grignr from the story today. TOM: (wailing) Servo! Servo! Ser-her-vo!!!!!!!!!!! (runs off screen) CROW: That wasn't very nice. MIKE: Yeah, well, I thought we talked about emulating Monkey Island characters... (Warning Klaxons sound, and the satellite begins to shake violently. Mike and Crow yell and frantically grab for something to hold on to. Eventually, the shaking stops, and GYPSY comes on screen.) MIKE: Status report! GYPSY: Those blood-sucking little demons have gotten into the guidance system for the satellite! I've stabilized us for now, but there's no telling how long until they take control! CROW: Uh, Gypsy? They're just sea-monkeys. Why don't you just, you know, call a sea-monkey exterminator? GYPSY: ... CROW: Uh, Gypsy? GYPSY: ... MIKE: Hello? (waves his hand in front of her 'eye') CROW: Oh no! The sea-monkeys must have gotten to her, too! (Fan-Fic Sign starts up) MIKE: Oh great, and now we have Fan-Fic sign! (10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1) Guybrush and Elaine were walking along the narrow spit of sand connecting the offshore Mansion island to the main island. TOM: Mansion Island? MIKE: Yeah, it's right next to Fast Food Restaurant Penninsula and Parking Lot Peak. Well, maybe walking is putting it mildly - Elaine was setting a very good pace. She strode forward, looking down at the Booty Island maps in her hands, her sword secured to her belt. Guybrush was content to stroll along behind, gazing at the land around them. It was still early morning, the sun barely risen over the ocean, and the tide was out. TOM: |Caller| Hello, yes, is the tide there? CROW: |Call-ee| No, I'm sorry... the tide is out right now. "You haven't done this in a while, have you?" said Guybrush. Elaine looked at him. "What?" "Been outside." "And what's that supposed to mean?" MIKE: |Guybrush| I'm just saying- the way you shrieked in fear at the mailbox a few yards back, and the way you keep squinting and shouting Tarzan-like phrases at the sun... it's like you're in a whole new world. "Just an observation," said Guybrush. The next five minutes passed in silence, as they crossed the spit CROW: So, some pirate hawked a big loogie to separate the islands? and started across Booty Island proper. It was broken when Guybrush looked up, and saw something unexpected. TOM: A plot line? "What's that?" he said, pointing. Elaine followed his gaze. The sky all around them was clear and blue, except for a small spot over the centre of Booty Island, where there was a jagged, dark grey cloud. As they looked, it seemed to flicker faintly, as if tiny sparks of lightning were discharging within. "It's a cloud," said Elaine. "Yeah, but look at it," said Guybrush. MIKE: |Guybrush| Look, damn you! "All on its own... and that's about where Dan said the landscape had changed." Elaine sighed. "Really, Guybrush. You're impossible." She looked down at her maps. "Take a left at this crossing up ahead." Guybrush looked at the cloud once more, then followed Elaine. CROW: Wow, that was important. While they're at it, don't they want to add a long, detailed summary of what Guybrush and Elaine ate for breakfast that morning? How about an essay on how they sort their socks each Sunday? It was an uneventful, slightly strange journey to Ville de la Booty, TOM: Uneventful?! What, with all the cloud-looking at and silence? and although they didn't see anything unusual, there was something weird, something eerie in the air. For one, Guybrush had never seen the island so lifeless. So far, they hadn't come across a single pirate, which for a cross-island trip was something of a record. This inactivity had even extended itself to the Booty Island wildlife. Although they could hear the chirp of insects and the lilt of birdcalls, they hadn't actually seen any animals. It was as if a tiny, movable wildlife-free buffer zone was being maintained around them. For two, it was cold. This hadn't been noticeable up around the Mansion, but as they walked across the island - and came close to the dark cloud, which seemed to be slowly getting bigger - the air became chill. Then they reached Ville de la Booty, and got their first major confirmation of Dan's story. The first warning was a dark plume of smoke on the horizon. It was too large, and too black, to be fireplace smoke. CROW: |Auditioning Person| Hi, I'm Smokey McSmokerson, and I'm auditioning for the part of "fireplace smoke". TOM: |Director| I'm sorry, but you're too large and black. Next! From this point on, still three miles from Ville de la Booty, Guybrush and Elaine had gone twice as slow, with their hands tight on their swords and eyes constantly scanning their surroundings. Gradually the jungle thinned around them, until they were walking on the fields around Ville de la Booty. Out from the cover of the canopy, they felt very large and conspicuous. MIKE: Women are always so worried about their weight. Sheesh! And they could finally see Ville de la Booty. From this distance it was hard to make out much, but they could see at least two houses still burning. No noise. Still no noise. They crept on, using fallen logs and woodpiles as cover, until they were up at the town itself. The wind began to pick up, a warm salty breeze blowing in from the ocean. With it came other, more dangerous smells. TOM: Like the smell Mike excretes after eating steamed cabbage? The main street of Ville de la Booty ran forward ahead of them. CROW: |Street| Ha! You'll never catch me! A house on their left was burnt and beaten in. No motion, except for grass blowing in the breeze. Guybrush didn't waste time on told you so's, MIKE: So we will. Told you so! CROW: Told you so! TOM: Told you so! and Elaine didn't bother with the mea culpas. This was real. MIKE: Not like that 'fake' abandoned village they passed through a few miles back. "What'll we do?" Guybrush whispered. "Hear anything?" Elaine whispered back. "No." "Let's head for the Slimepot. Watch your back." They moved on, sticking close to each other, heads darting around watchfully. Still they saw nobody. Ville de la Booty wasn't one of the larger towns in the Caribbean, but still a hundred or so lived here. Where had they all gone? Had they sailed? Guybrush suddenly stopped. His head dropped slightly, and he listened intently. TOM: Aren't Monkey Island games supposed to be light-hearted, fanciful adventures? CROW: This reads more like a Stephen King novel. "Hear something?" said Elaine. Guybrush nodded. "Up ahead." He straightened up. "I know another route to the Slimepot. Follow me." MIKE: He heard another route to the Slimepot? He led her to a narrow alleyway between the sword store and General Pirate Clothing. About halfway along, Elaine tugged at his shirt sleeve. Guybrush stopped. "What?" "Guybrush, what are we doing?" said Elaine. "Just scouting around. Trying to find this Grignr guy." "Yes, but-" Elaine looked very worried. "I never expected any of this. What if we find this Grignr? If what Dan said is true, he'll kill us both before we can say hello." TOM: |Guybrush| Then we'll say "goodbye" instead. Guybrush wanted to keep moving, but Elaine held him back. "We're not fighters, Guybrush. You're not. I'm not. What do you possibly think we can do?" CROW: |Guybrush| Well, let's see... I think we can learn to water ski, I think we can speak French, I think... MIKE: Alright, alright. "Well, what do you suggest?" retorted Guybrush. "That we should... go back? Just ignore this?" "No," said Elaine. "But I've got an idea." Guybrush looked at her questioningly, but Elaine shook her head and pulled him back into the main street. They slowly walked down the street, and before long the Slimepot came into view. There was a figure standing in front of it. TOM: It's probably that big, neon Cowboy from that old Vegas hotel. Guybrush immediately ducked back, but Elaine grabbed his arm firmly. "Stay here," she hissed. "No hiding." The figure - Grignr, Elaine supposed - had his back to them. A horse stood beside him, along with a small pile of shiny metal. Some of it looked like gold coins, others looked like necklaces and trinkets. A small fire, stoked with what looked like floorboards from the Slimepot, burned behind him. The Slimepot was no more. Fire had done the damage, although Elaine could see notches in the remaining woodwork, as if someone had been hitting the walls with a broadaxe. Elaine suddenly remembered their swords. "Guybrush," she whispered. "Bend down and put your sword on the ground. Slowly." "What?" said Guybrush. "We'll be-" "*Just do it*." CROW: Nike's brief commercial add. Guybrush nodded. Carefully he knelt down, placed his sword soundlessly on the ground, and stood up. Elaine did likewise. "Now forward," she said. "Try to look relaxed." It took all of Guybrush's courage, and Elaine's hand holding his, for him to move forward. Grignr was less than fifty feet away from them, and he was *huge*. He looked to be over seven feet tall, with broad, muscular shoulders and thick biceps. His back was still turned toward them, and he was naked from the waist up. TOM: Why didn't they just say 'shirtless'? Elaine reached into her shirt pocket and closed her hand around the diamond she'd taken from her bedroom. She no longer remembered why she'd taken the thing in the first place, but maybe it would help them now. They were still twenty feet from Grignr, and Guybrush would have sworn they made no noise, but suddenly Grignr whirled around to face them. He held a longsword in his hand, poised to strike. But he made no further movements, and he looked somewhat puzzled. "Whence came you?" said Grignr. Elaine let go of Guybrush's hand and took a step forward. "We come in peace," she said. "Here." She held the diamond, nestled warmly in her palm, out to Grignr. Grignr came forward, warily, sword half-raised. He reached for the diamond with one hand. Bronzed and callused, his hand dwarfed Elaine's upraised palm. Forefinger and thumb picked up the diamond, making it look like a grapefruit pip, and raised it to one eye. Grignr squinted at it in the morning sun. "You can have it," said Elaine. Grignr suddenly smiled. "Ha!" he roared. Then he slammed a hand down on Elaine's and Guybrush's shoulders, a gesture of friendship that nearly broke Guybrush's collarbone. "Precious bauble for Grignr, yes?" he said. Guybrush looked up at Grignr and smiled madly. "Uh, yes." MIKE: Wait 'til Grignr finds out it's fake. Soon all three of them were gathered around Grignr's fire. ALL: (singing) Kumbeyah, my Lord... kumbeyah... Having made up his mind that these two travellers were friends, Grignr had been consistently jolly and good-natured in the last few minutes. He beamed, made jokes (or what Elaine and Guybrush guessed were such) and roared with laughter, mostly at his own jokes. There seemed to be no trace of the psychopathic killer Dan had described. In all, he wasn't such bad company. CROW: Sure, he had that nasty habit of screaming and splitting something in half with his sword every fifteen seconds, but other than that... He was also a tireless storyteller. As soon as they were all sitting together around the fire, he had immediately launched into the story of how he had personally liberated the Eye of Argon from that bloated prince Agaphim. TOM: I thought Indiana Jones did that. Following this came the tale of how his one true love had been devoured by a giant twelve-legged spider, and how Grignr had found his next true love. MIKE: A giant, seven-legged fly? When this tale was done, Elaine asked what had happened last night. Grignr laughed, and started to tell her. But this story was somewhat different to the one Dan had told them. In Grignr's version, he'd been *inside* the Slimepot, drinking ale instead of beer, and out of flagons instead of mugs. A gang of local roughnecks had tried to accost Grignr and steal his change, and naturally he had to fight back. The details of the fight itself were a bit murky, but apparently there had been a lot of swinging from chandeliers, heroic brandishing of swords and hitting people over the head with chairs. Then the fight had spilled outside, and as Grignr told it he'd been out in the street, surrounded by a circle of forty hostile men, while he was armed only with a burning torch. He managed to escape by ducking as they all charged him, and while he'd been sprawled on the ground all the men above him had crashed into each other, knocking each other out. TOM: Then the Slimepot randomly exploded. You understand. "That's some story," said Elaine, nodding. Guybrush could guess what she was thinking, however, because he was thinking the same thing. *Does he think we're idiots? Of course that's not how it happened.* But Guybrush didn't know why Grignr was lying. In the flesh, Grignr was a fearsome man. He'd killed a lot of people last night. Why did he have to embellish the truth further? "So where did you say you come from?" said Elaine. "Aye, the mountain land of Ecordia," said Grignr. "Our people have given the Noregolian Empire much trouble, ah ha ha!" "And how did you... get here?" continued Elaine. Grignr's brow wrinkled. "I am not sure. I rode my steed for three days over the southern reaches of the Rokian mountains, hoping to find the outskirts of the Simarian empire. Instead I have found this strange land." CROW: |Grignr| A place where candy does not talk, and apes live in cages. It is a strange land, indeed. He grinned. "But there is good plunder here, no?" "Actually," said Elaine quickly, "we haven't got much treasure." Grignr held the diamond up and dangled it from side to side. "Um," said Guybrush, thinking fast, "that's the Eye of... Bobbeard. We stole it from a far and distant island a very long way away. It's worth a lot," he added. Grignr looked at his prize even more warmly. "*Bobbeard?*" Elaine whispered. Guybrush looked embarrassed. Elaine looked back at Grignr. "But doesn't it seem strange to you?" she said. "Normally you'd find yourself in Simaria, but instead you're here." "It is perplexing," said Grignr. "Perhaps there is... magic." Elaine and Guybrush looked at each other. "Magic?" "Grignr detests magic," said Grignr. "He has killed many a sorcerer." TOM: And if this story doesn't end soon, it will have killed many a robot. "The thing is," said Guybrush, taking up the attack, "we don't really think you belong here, Grignr. There's not much treasure and no high priests, and you'd probably get bored. So we'd like to try and help you get home again." Grignr looked at Guybrush, waiting for him to finish. "Several hours ago we passed a region which was very cold and cloudy. We... think that might be your land." MIKE: Nah, Grignr lives in Disneyland! Everyone knows that! Grignr's brow furrowed. "You wish to come on a quest with me?" "I guess you could call it that," said Guybrush. "A quest to find home." Grignr laughed. "Accepted!" he said. He stood up, and roused his horse up from sleep. Looking at them, he said, "You have swords, of course?" "Uh, of course," said Elaine. "We... just left them in the grass over there." They went and retrieved their swords. When they came back, Grignr looked at the swords pityingly. "Nay, they are not long enough to skewer a hare!" He mounted his horse. "And, you have a steed?" "Well..." said Elaine. "Not right now..." Grignr let this pass. "It is of no matter. We shall go at walking pace. Come." He mounted his horse. "Let us ride!" CROW: But they don't have horses. (10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1) |SOL| (GYPSY is still frozen in place. MIKE, TOM, and CROW are looking at her and thinking.) TOM: Look, I'm telling you, we gotta' get out of here! It's just a matter of time before those sea monkeys get us, too! CROW: (panicky) They're everywhere, man. I mean, I can't even sit down without thinking "oh no... sea monkeys". (moves to sit down) AAAAAUGH! Sea monkeys! (runs toward Mike) AAAAAUGH! Sea monkeys! (runs off screen) AAAAAUGH! MIKE: Hey, I've been thinking- couldn't we just program the nanites to try to work out some kind of truce with the sea monkeys? TOM: That's just crazy enough to work! Lower the view screen! (The Magnifying View Screen is lowered, and Ned the Nanite appears on it.) MIKE: Hey, Ned, this is Mike. Listen, we need you to try to talk peace with the sea monkeys. NED: (panicked, as we hear the sounds of gunfire and occasionally explosions) We tried that! The sea monkeys are angry at their harsh lamp mistreatment! Oh my god, they're everywhere! TOM: (shaking his head) Oh great, they're mad about that. Good one, Crow! CROW: (off screen, sounds like he's kind of in the distance) AAAAAAUGH! NED: (as a Sea-Monkey closes in on him) No! Please! Oh god nooooooooooooo!!!! MIKE: Wow- this looks pretty bleak. (Fan-Fic Sign starts up) TOM: Oh great... Hey, Crow, you big dope! Get into the theater! Fan-fic sign! CROW: (still off-screen) AAAAAAUGH! (1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10) The sorcerer frowned, and abruptly stood. MIKE: Oh yeah- this guy again. It was going wrong. He'd cast a dimensional spell, one of the most powerful in existence, connecting a region of the Rokian mountains (centered on Grignr) with a world that, as far as the sorcerer could see, consisted of illiterate pirates. TOM: Iowa? The spell had a life of twenty-four hours, but he hadn't seen this as a problem. Once he'd ridden out of the mountains and into the pirate world, that should have been it. Grignr never turned around of his own accord. And there was no chance of anyone leading him back, either - Grignr's normal method of discourse with anyone he didn't recognise was to kill them. TOM: So... the same standard behavior of L.A. Cops. Gotcha'. So the sorcerer had reckoned. But he hadn't reckoned on these two unfamiliar people, who seemed to have come out from the furthest corner of the island. They were dressed as pirates, but they could speak in complete sentences. CROW: Unlike the author of this story. Grignr hadn't killed them. Somehow, they'd *befriended* him! Even now, they were leading him back! The sorcerer began pacing back and forth, as he considered his next course of action. The attempt to get rid of Grignr had failed, yet so far all he had lost was time and mana. Perhaps he should just cut his losses. MIKE: That would sting. No. ALL: Awwww... please? The sorcerer pushed this idea aside. The purse from the Noregolian emperor was too big. And he still had plenty to throw at this barbarian hero and his two buddies... TOM: Like some water balloons, a baby, a few cans of creamed corn and candied yams... They were now about an hour out of Ville de la Booty. Grignr was in the lead, riding slowly along and humming some tune. Guybrush and Elaine were a small way back, walking together. "Boy, I'll be glad to see him gone," whispered Guybrush. Elaine looked at him. "What do you mean?" "Well, we take him back to his homeland, and then he rides off, right?" "It can't be that easy," said Elaine. "I don't know about you, but I'm not going back to the Mansion with a great big heap of my island still missing." "Maybe it'll return when Grignr leaves?" said Guybrush hopefully. "Why should it? I'm not taking that chance." "Maybe the Voodoo Lady-" Elaine snorted. "The Voodoo Lady couldn't make a body disappear, let alone half an island." Guybrush looked forward. The grey mass of cloud was growing above them, and the temperature was now noticeably cooler. "Well, I guess Grignr's right, then. Some sorcerer from his land must have cast a spell to... do whatever's been done to our island." MIKE: Give it a fresh lemony scent? "He probably wanted to get rid of Grignr," said Elaine. CROW: Thank you for summing up the plot. It'll make the rest of this story easier to follow. "And I don't blame him. How can someone just kill indiscriminately like that? Pirates aren't like that. They kill people so they can rob them. This... barbarian just slaughters people." TOM: So the message behind this story is... if you're going to kill someone, at least have the decency to rob them while you're at it? "And the sorcerer isn't going to be pleased when we show up with Grignr," said Guybrush gloomily. "He must be very powerful. He's probably got some backup plan which he'll unleash on us. I'm starting to wish I'd slept in this morning." "You did." MIKE: Yeah, I seem to remember that encompassing at least two or three pages of this story... nothing but vague descriptions of how Guybrush likes to sleep in and how thinking makes him tired. The conversation lapsed. The landscape in front of them had opened up on a wholly strange view. Instead of grassy hills and steaming jungles, before them was a rocky, barren mountain plateau under a grey cloud-filled sky. There was no vegetation, and no sign of any habitation. The temperature was barely above freezing. Guybrush shivered, then looked at Grignr. He seemed calm, and proud. "Is this where you live?" Guybrush asked. Grignr smiled. "I am home," he said. Then he let out an enormous, stone-shattering yell, as his horse sprang forward. He rode the steed away at full speed, before turning round in a tight circle and speeding back. He stopped in front of Guybrush and Elaine, and beamed at them. "Come! We shall hunt down the sorcerer, and smite his evil arse!" TOM: That's the Monkey Island equivalent to saying "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum." But before anything else happened, Elaine said, "What's that?" Guybrush and Grignr followed her gaze. Three figures had appeared on the horizon. Female. Identical. What wasn't bare skin was leather and studs CROW: What about their hair? TOM: You heard the man, Crow. Leather and studs. - they looked barely dressed for the tropics, let alone this permafrosted land. Each held a sword in their right hand. Grey light glinted off the three blades. The three female warriors raised their swords and silently charged. Guybrush stumbled back, drawing his sword. "We're being attacked!" he shouted. "Elaine, get out of here!" MIKE: Well, that tears it. I sure want Guybrush on my side in a crisis. "I'll do no such thing," said Elaine, holding her position. "Maybe we can reason with them-" Guybrush looked desperately at Grignr. To his dismay, the big hulk had barely moved on the horse. He was staring at the charging women and there was a wistful statement on his face. Guybrush groaned. "Great. Big guy's got a weakness. Grignr!" he shouted, pulling at Grignr's big beefy arms. Grignr looked down at him dazedly. "Huh?" "Grignr, they're attacking us! We've got to fight!" "Fight?" said Grignr slowly. "These wenches-" But there was no time for any more debate, because the warriors were upon them. Ignoring Grignr altogether, they rushed at Elaine and Guybrush. Elaine and Guybrush drew together, swords pointed out at the onrushing women. "I say," said Elaine, "we don't know who-" Three swords came down upon them. Guybrush and Elaine parried, swaying back but keeping their feet. The women attacked as if they were a single organism, swinging their swords in coordinated, identical attacks. They showed no inclination to spread out and offer three different points of assault. This made it possible to defend two swords against three, but at the expense of the defender's strength. Guybrush and Elaine could only hold out so long. ALL: Good! But the sound of swords clashing seemed to revive Grignr. As they fought their grim, silent battle, Grignr suddenly shouted and leapt down from his horse, sword in hand. He strode forward, with his sword swinging wildly. It dawned on Guybrush that something was wrong. Grignr seemed almost blind - or drunk. Blundering toward them, he gave no indication that he could even see the three women. Still, the wild strokes at their back forced the women to change plans. Simultaneously they split off, one warrior to each defender, and the second phase of the battle began. CROW: How nice! They've divided the battle into phases for our convenience. It soon became apparent that the upper hand lay with the women warriors. Guybrush fought his opponent with desperate, flailing strokes, and neither fighter seemed to enjoy a particular advantage. Guybrush had his insults, but he instinctively knew that they would be useless here. TOM: |Guybrush| I bet my dad could lick your dad! CROW: |Woman Fighter| Oh yeah? Where? Grignr fought with more conviction, but his wild, unstoppable swings were so uncoordinated that his opponent had no trouble avoiding them. She didn't even have to fight back - her job was simply to hold off Grignr while the other two finished off Elaine and Guybrush. And Elaine was clearly in trouble. Her strokes were technically good, but they had no force, and very little reach. The greater problem was that Elaine, having not fought in years, was having great difficulty anticipating her opponent's attacks. Constantly deflecting swings at the last second, she was completely on the back foot, unable to do anything but defend. MIKE: (hopeful) This could be it, you guys! If they die, that means the story is over! TOM: And we can leave! CROW: Go Amazon Women! Woo-hoo! A couple of times, as they began fighting, she'd tried to talk to her opponent, reason her out of the battle. But the warrior was having none of it and merely swung at her as before. Now Elaine defended grimly. It was while Guybrush was glancing at her that he noticed something. He'd assumed that when the three women split up they'd begun fighting independently, but apparently that wasn't the case. When his opponent swung at him, Elaine's opponent did the same - same stroke, same area. The movements were so identical, it was if they were being coordinated by some higher, magical being - who, rather than go to the trouble of controlling three independent beings, had decided to duplicate some of his work. CROW: Uh-oh... TOM: Uh, Mike? I don't like the direction this is heading. This gave Guybrush an idea. Instantly he swung at his opponent, a heavy, wild blow aimed at her right shoulder. At the same moment, he shouted "Elaine! Hit the leg!" His opponent drew her sword back and deflected his stroke. In unison, Elaine's opponent did the same. Elaine's sword swung forward, past the warrior's unprotected lower body, and sank deeply into the left thigh of her opponent. Blood poured out over her sword and ran down the warrior's leg. The warrior grimaced and, as Elaine's sword came back out, bent over and clutched at the wound. Instantly, their bond still active, Guybrush's opponent did the same. Taking advantage of the moment, Guybrush stepped forward and hacked at his opponent's sword arm. It came off at the elbow. CROW: Sweet Jesus! This is Monkey Island, not Mortal Kombat! The warrior screamed. Ignoring her wound, she bent down and picked up the sword in her other arm. She rose, snarling, and rushed at Guybrush. Now the three women were clearly fighting independently, their controlling intelligence having realised the folly of his action. But they no longer enjoyed the upper hand. MIKE: In fact, the upper hand had become rather boorish and unpleasant. Guybrush's opponent was less effective with her left arm than her right, and Guybrush was able to go on the attack. Elaine's opponent was better placed, but the wound on her leg was bleeding profusely and her strokes gradually lost their power. Guybrush heard a gurgle behind him and guessed that Grignr had finally dispatched the third warrior. His opponent glanced behind him, shocked, and for the first time Guybrush saw something human in those eyes, as if she'd suddenly woken up from some terrible dream. TOM: |Amazon Woman| Oh my! I dreamt I was trapped in a crappy story where... oh... Then it was gone. She flailed at him, a wild, hopeless stroke, and Guybrush knocked the sword from her hand. He looked into her eyes, and only hesitated for a moment. Grimly, Guybrush stabbed deeply into her chest. Her mouth opened wide, and she made a stunned "Uuuh!" Then blood trickled over her lower lip, and she fell back to the ground. MIKE: Monkey Island... rated R. Guybrush pulled his sword out of her body, and immediately his legs collapsed beneath him. He was shaking all over. Gorge rose in his chest, which he only just managed to keep down. He felt weary and sick. It slowly dawned on him that the sound of battle was gone. He looked over at Elaine. Elaine's opponent was in deep trouble. Her whole left leg was covered in blood now, and her face was a pallid white. Her sword dropped to the ground, her arm no longer even strong enough to hold it. Then she collapsed. TOM: (woeful scream) Nooooooooooooo! CROW: I guess that means we're stuck here... Elaine came over to her side, a concerned look on her face. She took the warrior's trembling hand, and said, "Who did this to you? Why'd you have to attack us?" MIKE: |Amazon Warrior| We... we were doing it... for a Klondike bar... The warrior's mouth moved. With effort, she said, "T-the s-" But at that moment Grignr, bounding forward, swung down with all his might. His sword cut clean through the woman's neck, clanging on the stone beneath. Blood sprayed out over the ground. Grignr waited calmly for the flow to lessen, then he bent down and lifted a leather flap on the warrior's tunic. CROW: Apparently Conan the Barbarian helped write this. TOM: I'm glad they hired someone to help keep Monkey Island family oriented. Underneath was a strange tattoo of interlocking circles. "It is as I suspected," grunted Grignr. "The mark of the sorcerer Arafind." He stood up and wandered over to a patch of moss, and started to clean his sword. Elaine, open mouthed, looked at the warrior and then up at Guybrush. "Dead," she whispered. "She's dead." ALL: (angrily) PAGING DOCTOR OBVIOUS! Guybrush saw something in her eyes. Quickly, he reached out to her. "Elaine-" Elaine stood up. Her face was tightening and her fists clenched as she strode over to Grignr. The huge barbarian was still playing around with his sword. Elaine punched him in the side. "You are a vicious, immoral murderer!" she shouted, as Grignr turned to look at her, puzzled. "That woman was nearly dead. She wasn't going to harm any of us. And you just came in and slaughtered her! Like you slaughtered all of my constituents at the bar! They should lock you up and throw away the key." MIKE: Monkey Island is dangerously close to becoming the movie "Braveheart". Grignr took all of this in without saying anything. He looked puzzled. Worried, Guybrush came up behind Elaine and tugged at her arm. "Come on," he said, "I think it's time we got going..." "Screw that," said Elaine, holding her ground. "I'm going to fight him." Guybrush did a double take. "What?!" "I don't want even a remote chance of this scoundrel coming back to my island. I want him dead." She held her sword out before her. "Are you ready, Grignr?" The puzzled look vanished from his face, replaced by cold knowledge. "Aha!" cried Grignr. "Traitors! In the employ of Arafind, no less!" He simply reached over Elaine's sword with one huge rangy arm and struck her on the side of the head. ALL: Yay! Elaine slumped to the ground. Guybrush reached for his sword, but Grignr was faster. His fist caught Guybrush's chin, and Guybrush was out like a light. When he came back to his senses, the first one activated was temperature. It was cold. A chilling wind was blowing over his back. The ground underneath him seemed to rise and fall beneath him, and gradually Guybrush realised he was on a horse. Grignr's horse. Recent events flooded back, and Guybrush, suddenly alarmed, tried to sit up. He managed to get a glimpse of Grignr's back, TOM: |Guybrush| Look at all that hair! That's Grignr's back, I'd know it anywhere! but everything else was hazy. Then Grignr brought the horse to a stop. Unceremoniously, he dumped Guybrush onto the rocky ground. MIKE: What would he have to do to 'ceremoniously' dump Guybrush to the ground? Put on a feathered headdress and chant? Another body thumped down beside him, which Guybrush realised must be Elaine. She was coming around as well. As Elaine woke beside him, Guybrush examined his surroundings. They were on a rocky, rolling plain that seemed almost entirely featureless. There was no vegetation, and here and there drifts of snow nestled in the shade of boulders and crags. There were several vents of sulphur spewing into the air around them. The wind whistled. A hopeless, desolate place. CROW: Wisconson. Why had Grignr brought them here? As if in answer, Grignr suddenly looked at them scornfully. "On your feet, traitors! You will show me the entrance to Arafind's foul lair immediately, or die!" "But," Guybrush stammered, "we don't know where it is. There's nothing here." "Your feigned confusion is pitiful," said Grignr. "Countless times I have been assailed by Arafind's minions. I have managed to track them to this lonely plateau - but the final secret of Arafind's lair remains hidden. You will show me the way in five minutes, or your necks will meet my blade." TOM: |Cheery voice| Hi, I'm Grignr's blade. MIKE: |Cheery voice| Hi! I'm Guybrush's neck! Nice to meet you! This said, Grignr turned away from them and began looking through his saddlebags. CROW: |Grignr| (mumbling) Let's see... can of hamdingers, a few bags of laundry, my copy of "Fletch", some marbles, a glass of water, the remote control to the TV... Guybrush turned to Elaine. "Are you okay?" he asked. Elaine nodded. She took Guybrush's hand and held it, and for a minute they took some small comfort in each other. Guybrush broke the silence. "Any ideas where this lair might be?" Elaine looked around critically. "Can't see a thing." "There's nothing here," said Guybrush. "We should just make a run for it." "Outrun a horse?" "We could hide," said Guybrush lamely. MIKE: |Valley Girl voice| Like, oh my God, that was so lame! Elaine, looking around, suddenly sniffed. "Hey, wait," she said, and pointed. Guybrush followed her finger. "That's just a sulphur vent, isn't it?" "No. Smell the air. It's ordinary smoke." "So?" Elaine looked at him. "Since when does ordinary smoke come out of the ground?" TOM: Since they buried Joe Camel? They stood and wandered over to the vent. Guybrush cast a nervous glance back at Grignr, but he just stood by his horse and watched them, ready to pursue should they do anything so foolish as try to escape. CROW: Or make toast. Guybrush joined Elaine in looking down at the vent. There was a fissure in the ground, about two feet long and an inch wide. Smoke seeped out of the gap, obscuring the depths to which the fissure sank. Guybrush pushed his fingers into the fissure, and explored the walls. "It widens," he said. "Warm." Elaine said, "Let me try something." She stood beside Guybrush, jumped high into the air, and brought her feet down hard either side of the fissure. The ground gave way beneath her, pulling them both down into a dimly lit passage eight feet below the surface. Smoke curled along the ceiling. Guybrush, groaning, got up and helped Elaine to her feet. "Well, who woulda guessed?" he said. "Now what?" They both realised at the same instant. They ran. Behind them, they heard a bellow from Grignr as he realised his captives were missing. "With luck he'll have forgotten where we were," said Guybrush. Onward they ran, the passage winding and bumpy underneath them. It branched left and right, and soon they found they were descending quite sharply - partly because they could run faster downhill, and partly because of an unconscious desire to keep following the trail of smoke running along the ceiling. They passed no one, which Guybrush found hard to fathom. MIKE: After all, No one was the star captain of the High School Track team. Obviously immense effort had gone into the construction of these passages. So why weren't they being used? And what were they used *for*? TOM: If he doesn't know what they're used for, isn't it kind of presumptuous to say whether or not they're being used? They hadn't yet run past a single door or room. Perhaps these were natural passages - but there was that line of smoke above them. It was growing thicker. They ran into the sorcerer before they knew what was on them. One moment they were pelting down a curving passage, the next moment they'd rounded the curve to find themselves in a kiln-like room, where a sorcerer stood guardedly behind a wooden table. Before they could react, the sorcerer - who seemed unsurprised at their entrance - muttered four syllables. CROW: Eep-op-ork-ah-ah. MIKE: That's five syllables, Crow. Guybrush tried to move his arm. He couldn't. His legs felt like stone. He turned to Elaine, and saw she was frozen too. Uncomprehending, he looked back at the sorcerer. "A simple freeze spell," said the sorcerer. "I've allowed you movement from the shoulders up. It's just a temporary measure while we await the arrival of Grignr." TOM: He must've graduated from "Bond Villain University". "You're Arafind?" said Guybrush. He felt ridiculous, like a child playing at statues. MIKE: How do you play that? TOM: I dunno'... tag, you're a statue? "Indeed I am," said Arafind. "And you're the one who sent Grignr into our... reality?" said Elaine. "Yes," said Arafind. "I must apologise. I am sure you didn't find him easy to deal with. I am most sorry." "Sorry won't cut it!" said Elaine hotly. "I've had a whole mass of my citizens murdered, and I do not take kindly to having bits of my island disappear." "Again, I apologise," said Arafind. "However, the removal of your land is only temporary. It will return to normal after twenty-four hours." "And you sent those warriors to fight us?" continued Elaine. "Yes," said Arafind. "You knew they were going to their deaths?" said Elaine. CROW: |Arafind| Actually, I figured they'd have killed you. Arafind shrugged their shoulders. "I had no other choice." "Then you're no better than he is," said Elaine. "Worse even, because you knew what you were doing. You used of magic to make those warriors fight us. Some kind of dirty rotten mind control." MIKE: He promised them one candy bar apiece. "Only because nobody would willingly fight Grignr," said Arafind. He sighed. "What else was I supposed to do? Let him back in here without a fight?" "Why didn't you fight him yourself?" said Guybrush. "Oh, I fully intend to," said Arafind. He flexed his fingers, and rolled back two grimy, ink-stained sleeves. They heard a far-off noise, like someone stumbling over stone. "He comes," said Arafind. TOM: Jeez! That's kind of personal, man! MIKE: Tom! He stepped back and stood in the corner, smiling grimly. Seconds ticked by. There had been no further far-off noises, and the room was silent. Grignr suddenly appeared in the doorway, bellowing madly, and threw a handful of metal darts into the room at lethal speed. CROW: What constitutes 'lethal speed'? TOM: Going over 15 m.p.h. in a marked school zone. The sorcerer ducked and flashed an arm around in a semicircle. A pressure wave of force blew out, bowling Guybrush and Elaine over like statues, and scoring a deep groove in the walls around them. Stone rained down from the ceiling, bringing great clouds of dust up from the floor. From that point on, sight ceased to be a useful sense. Guybrush, tangled up on the floor, felt something huge and heavy rush past him. There was a loud yell that almost split his eardrums, and a big meaty thwack. Then red light flashed from somewhere within the dust cloud, singeing Guybrush's eyebrows with a burst of heat. Guybrush suddenly realised he could move. He felt Elaine's hand groping for his, and together they pulled themselves up off the ground. They could hear Grignr roaring in pain, and see the colourful sparks of Arafind's magic. The ultimate warrior pitted against the cleverest wizard - who would win? MIKE: No matter who won or lost, Tom Selleck would star in a mini-series about it. Elaine couldn't care less. She tugged hard on Guybrush's arm, pulling him out into the passage. "Come on! Run!" she shouted. Together they sped off. The sounds of battle slowly faded behind them. They were going slower now, through fatigue and the fact that these passages went uphill quite sharply. They followed the smoke trail above them, clambering on hands and knees when the gradient got too steep, walking when their energy ran out, and finally crawling out into the thin wintery air. CROW: It used to be fat air... but that was before it found Slim Fast! Utterly exhausted, they fell to the frozen ground and didn't move. When Guybrush woke, the air was warm and full of insect chirps. He opened his eyes. He was lying on his back in a grassy clearing in the jungle. This wasn't where he usually woke up... but then Guybrush glanced left and saw Elaine, still asleep, her hands grey and clammy. At the same time, Guybrush realized he was still freezing. They must have fallen asleep on the snow, and if Arafind's spell hadn't ended they'd probably be dead by now. He shook Elaine's arm. It took a long while for her to respond, but eventually Elaine stirred and opened her eyes. "We made it back," said Guybrush. "We're home." "Or what remains of it," said Elaine. They both stood up, took each other's hands, and slowly walked home. TOM: That's it? No exciting climax, no finale' song and dance number with colorful costumes, pyrotechnics, and elephants? They just walk home? MIKE: I think you were expecting a little much from the story, Tom. CROW: No, Mike, I'm going to have to agree with Tom on this one. I've grown to feel that this story owes me something. MIKE: How do you figure? CROW: Well... TOM: I think what Crow's trying to say, Mike, is that, in between all of Guybrush's inane segues about how he likes sleep, what color his pajamas are, and how it's hard to run up-hill, and between all that horrible slaughter and blood letting that our good friend Grignr was doing, do you realize that, not once in this whole story did they make mention of a monkey? MIKE: No, I suppose they didn't. CROW: And that's only part of it! They also ignored that wonderful love/hate relationship subplot between Dan Rotgut and Elaine! MIKE: (confused) What? CROW: Just picture it, Mike- this could have been a story about a torrid love triangle between Guybrush, Elaine, and Dan; A story of sex, lies, backstabbing, and... murder. MIKE: Murder? TOM: Or maybe they could have turned this into a political scandal story. Imagine- Grignr could be a political refugee seeking asylum on Monkey Island to escape the horrible oppression of Arafind. MIKE: Then how would those grisly battle scenes fit in? CROW: ...ummm... TOM: Maybe it's a cartoon. CROW: Yeah, that would account for all that senseless bloodshed. MIKE: You guys are pretty twisted. (10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1) |SOL| (GYPSY is still motionless. MIKE is wearing a Napoleon-type General hat. TOM and CROW are at either side of him. Tom is wearing a sergeant-type hat, and Crow is wearing a green beret.) MIKE: Sergeant Tom... are the nanites positioned? TOM: Aye, sir. MIKE: Ned the Nanite... charge! (We see on the magnifying screen the nanites charging into a huge fray of sea-monkeys. The battle rages with screams of pain, and we see that the nanites are being overpowered and destroyed.) NED THE NANITE: They're too powerful! Fall back! Fall back! CROW: Look what you've done, Nelson! MIKE: Me?! These are your stupid sea monkeys! TOM: It's too late for that now, Mike! You might as well own up! MIKE: No! I'm not taking the blame for this one! This is your problem, not mine! (he takes the hat off and throws it, then dives for cover) (Suddenly, the explosions and sounds of fighting stop. Nervously, Mike peeks out from his hiding place.) MIKE: What happened? NED THE NANITE: They're all dead! Ya-hoo! MIKE: (confused) Dead? TOM: (calmly) Oh yeah, Mike, sea monkies only have a life-span of 24 hours. CROW: Didn't you know that? MIKE: Then why isn't Gypsy moving yet? GYPSY: (suddenly snapping out of it) Huh? Oh, sorry, I was zoning. MIKE: What? GYPSY: I was thinking of this joke I heard awhile ago about sea monkeys, but I couldn't remember the punchline. MIKE: (frustrated) ...rrrr... TOM: Wow, Mike, I never noticed all those veins in your forehead before. MIKE: (trying to keep his composure) -CREDITS ROLL- MISTER's NOTE: I mean no offense or disrespect to the author of this story. In fact, I had a rather difficult time making fun of it at some points. I'm just a big fan of MST 3K, and this story was rather short, so I thought it'd be a nice warm-up for what I hope becomes a prosperous MISTING career.