MYSTERY USENET THEATRE 3000 PRESENTS... "A New Adventure" BY: Louise M. MSTED BY: Chris Ratcliff (jaranbue@yahoo.com.au) MSTER NOTES: Short and snappy. Yes, it's Monkey Island time again... [Int. SoL. Tom and Crow are conferring on something, with lots of paper strewn around them on the floor.] Tom: Right. Let's go over the selling points again. Crow: In-house theatre! Featuring a quality lineup of films such as Manos: The Hands of Fate, Red Zone Cuba, Monster-A-Go-Go... Tom: Might be a good idea to leave the movie list unsaid. Crow: True. Well, how about our gourmet cuisine! Dine on hamdingers, waffles and RAMchips to your heart's content! Tom: I don't know. Crow: Well... we've got this really big broom cupboard... [Mike enters] Mike: There you are! What crazy scheme have you two been up to this week? Crow: Well, the recent explosion in space-based tourism got us bots thinking. Tom: Well, it got me thinking, Crow just wanted to work on his Debbie webshrine. Crow: At least *I* don't keep an underwear collection- Mike: All right, all right. Keep going, Tom. Tom: Why don't we sell the SoL as a tourist destination? Mike: [getting excited] And when someone comes along we hitch a ride back to Earth and escape?! [Bots stare at him] Tom: What are you talking about, Mike? Crow: Do you know anything at all about space tourists? These guys pay millions just to hitch a ride out here! Imagine how much they'd pay us for a short stopover... [light flashes] Mike: But-... oh, never mind. What is it, O Egregious One? [Deep 13] Dr. F: You should know the drill by now. I've got another Monkey Island fanfic lined up, one so awful you'll be begging for mercy... [SoL] Mike: What *is* this, Forrester? You trying to break our wills through sheer repetition? [Deep 13] Dr. F: Something... like that. *laughs evilly* [SoL. Lights, noise, pandemonium] All: WE'VE GOT STORY SIGN! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ] > A New Adventure > - by Louise M. Crow: The 'M' stands for MURDER! > Guybrush and Elaine felt much better Mike: Much better than what? Tom: [announcer] Last time on A New Adventure... > knowing that Elaine didn't have Crow: Rabies. > the stress of being the governor over her head, Tom: It had been replaced by this really nifty single-hair-suspended sword. Mike: Okay, looks like we're starting out with our two happily married heroes. > they were know free. Crow: They're *knowledge* free, certainly. > Guybrush had little stress over him now Lechuck was dead and the > Australian land developer Ozzie Mandrill was finished too what was > there to worry about? Tom: The soul of Man in a technological society? Crow: Inventing sliced bread? Mike: All right, to sum up: Guybrush and Elaine are feeling pretty good. > The stress days are over for Guybrush, Crow: [Guybrush] Yep, I'm feeling pretty good. No worries here. Nup, everything's just peachy-keen. > so now he and Elaine are just > departing Melee Island to Mike: Avoid impeachment proceedings. > start their new travels around the world. Tom: Monkey Island: The Love Boat. > Guybrush sits dreaming about how is life will be now Crow: [Guybrush] Because we're feeling PRETTY GOOD! > no more > Lechuck, no more voodoo curses, no more... Mike: [Guybrush] No more fanfics... > Part 1: The Adventure Begins Mike: [Guybrush] Drat. > "Guybrush why do you insist on just sitting around and daydreaming" > Elaine asked. "I just want to rest for once" replied Guybrush "I > mean my worst enemy is now destroyed, so I have no more to fear". Crow: [Elaine] Sure, your arch-enemy LeChuck burns with desire to render your flesh- Mike: [Guybrush] But he's safely dead. Crow: [Elaine] His soul still hanging around the voodoo netherrealms- Mike: [Guybrush] For ever! Crow: [Elaine] Unless he escapes somehow. Mike: [Guybrush] Which is impossible! Crow: [Elaine] Or so you'd think. Only he's done it so many times before... > Elaine turned away, he is right she thought. Tom: *sigh* Of course he was, dear. Mike: Less is more, except when it comes to dramatic irony. > He was sitting against the side of the ship with his journal in his > hands; he had little to write about at the time seeing as not much > had happened since they left Melee. Crow: Then again, they'd only left fifteen minutes ago. > Timmy ran around the ship > shrieking like a... well a... Monkey. Mike: Which Timmy happens to be. Tom: Nope, this fanfic definitely wasn't written for your hard-core Monkey freaks, nosiree... > The seas were calm today, so he > got up and looked over the side of the ship, Crow: Ummm... is this still Timmy? > Melee Island was still > in view Mike: Eh? Crow: I guess they really did leave only fifteen minutes ago. > and he focused on it thinking of his memories. Tom: Most of them involving bananas. Mike: No, I think this is Guybrush. > "What is that?" he heard Elaine say behind him "that strange smoky > thing". Crow: [Guybrush] Uh, it's a cloud, dear. > Guybrush looked closely at Melee a strange cloud of green > smoke was rising from Melee Island Mike: GREEN smoke? Okay, someone's either done something at the Voodoo Lady's... Tom: Or they've just set fire to Captain's Dread secret ganja stash. > "probably just that big barbecue > the citizens are having" he replied calmly Crow: [Elaine] You mean the big farewell party you organized for us? Mike: [Guybrush] Uh... yeah. > but inside he was > worried. Tom: Or was it indigestion? > Back on Melee... Mike: Woodstock, 1669! > "What is that?" a tall woman yelled from a crowd of people. Tom: It's Alice Cooper! Crow: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! > People > started to shout as they saw the massive cloud rise from Melee > Island. Tom: [people] Someone's set fire to Captain Dread's secret ganja stash! Crow: Hang on, these people are ON Melee Island, aren't they? Mike: Huh. Collective out-of-body experience. Tom: The green smoke probably does that to you. > The new governor Marley pushed through the crowd, Tom: Who, Herman... er, Horatio? Yeah, right. Crow: [Horatio] Outa my way! Cranky old guy comin' through! > oh no! Mike: He's trampling everyone in his way! Massive lawsuits are going to be filed! > He > thought that's coming from in front of the mansion where Lechuck was > destroyed! Crow: Yep, he's that stupid. Tom: [Horatio] Strange place for Captain Dread to hide his secret ganja stash... Mike: Okay, I think we've taken that joke just as far as it'll go. > The crowd's shouts turned silent Crow: Help, they've been turned into mimes! Tom: The horror! > as they heard the > demonic laughter. Mike: [random person] Say, I wonder who that- Crow: [random person] Shh! We're supposed to be silent, remember? > Back on the Ship... Tom: The storm winds blasted down as Truman hung on for dear life. > "Guybrush I want to go back to Melee" Elaine said gruffly. Mike: The part of Elaine will be played by Lawrence Tierney. > "Why > Elaine" said Guybrush, "I don't know but I feel something's wrong I > want to check on Grandpa". Guybrush didn't complain Elaine got what > she wanted. Crow: I'll bet she did. Tom: We all know who wears the trousers in this marriage. > The next thing he knew they were in the docks of Melee Crow: [Guybrush] Next time let me bring the ship in, okay? Mike: [Elaine] Oh, all right. Crow: [Guybrush, muttered] Women sailors... > it was quite late and Guybrush expected to see a few drunken pirates > staggering along the streets but nothing was there, no people, no > animals, not even any cricket noises. Mike: [Raphael] Cricket? Man, nobody understands that game. > It was silent. Crow: Oh no, even Cousin It's been turned into a mime! > "What's happened Guybrush?" Elaine asked, "I don't know" Guybrush > replied. Tom: Maybe they're hiding in the hope you'll go away. > "Well I am going to the mansion to check on Grandpa > something might have happened, you explore the rest of Melee and go > to the mansion if you find anything" Elaine said and ran off. > Guybrush looked around for a couple of minutes before deciding to > head to the centre, Tom: The centre of anything in particular? Crow: He's going right to the heart of this whole mystery. > when he got there again he saw no one, the > houses were empty and the town hall. Mike: ...was also empty. > He decided to find the voodoo > lady maybe she knew something, but the voodoo shop door was locked, Crow: And our experienced pirate hero is foiled by a latch lock. Mike: Hey, cut him some slack. They haven't invented the credit card yet. > he banged and banged but there was no one there, he wanted to head > to the mansion, he didn't feel right. Tom: Diarrhea is like a storm raging within you... > The mansion looked pretty dim within itself, he got inside and > called for Elaine but no one answered. Everything was untouched, no > one had been in here. Elaine had not made it. Mike: Supersleuth Guybrush strikes again. > Guybrush left and headed towards the ship again, he found Timmy > bouncing around looking just as worried as him. Timmy couldn't be > much help though he didn't know how to solve mysteries. > Guybrush found himself later wandering the Island calling for Elaine > or anyone for that matter, he looked in the centre, Crow: And we're back at the centre. This place mean anything to either of you? Mike: Nope. > the mansion and > Meathooks art gallery, but no one was around. > He decided to sit at the docks and think, Tom: [singing] Sittin' on the dock of the bay, watchin' time roll away... > the air was fairly cold > and he was getting bored since the Grog machine was broken. Suddenly > though the air felt warmer, then hotter. He jumped up and turned no > one there. Then the air in front of him warmed up no not warmed > boiled and he could here a small-amused laugh. Crow: [voice] Heh, heh, heh. I'm sort of amused. > "Who's there?" he asked without turning. Tom: And why would he? All the action seems to be going on in front of him. > "You know very well Guybrush" a deep voice replied Crow: James Earl Jones? > "And ye be coming with me, I'm going to do what I always wanted to > do to you!" All: Eww! Crow: And this time, with butter! Mike: Crow! > Guybrush shuddered, he knew that voice. Tom: It was Steve Urkel. > Another demonic laugh and Guybrush couldn't move, couldn't even make > a sound. Crow: This is now my favorite part of the fanfic. > Part 2 coming soon. Mike: Maybe. > > > A New Adventure > - by Louise M. > Part 2: Guess who? Tom: Louise M? Crow: You did write your name just above. > Guybrush woke up on a concrete floor all around him were flashing > lights but his vision was a bit blurred. Then he squinted his eyes Tom: Doing his Jerry Lewis impersonation. > and managed to focus it was the Carnival of the Damned, he jumped to > his feet laughed to himself then looked up and yelled Mike: I think the 'beat-poetry' fanfic is a much maligned genre. > "ha, pretty > original! I've escaped here before I can do it again!" suddenly the > lights stopped and all around him began to spin. > He was now in a dungeon, Crow: [Guybrush] *Me*? The thirteenth Duke of Melee? *Here*? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With *my* reputation? [slight pause] Has no-one thought of the consequences? > the only light was coming from the doorway > where Lechuck's flame beard was giving off all the light Tom: Ah. He's back. Crow: Had to happen sometime... > "well, > then" Lechuck said angrily "I guess I'll have to keep you here, > don't try to escape its impossible and I'll just finish with Elaine > what I started" Crow: [confused] Guarding her mansion? > Lechuck laughed evilly and left closing the thick > metal door. Guybrush sighed and looked around. Mike: And couldn't see anything, because there wasn't any light. > Stonewalls, stone > floor, stone everything. "Great" he said to himself. > Elaine sat on a wooden bench; Tom: Huh? Crow: [Guybrush] Elaine? You're here? You could have at least said something. Mike: You'd think LeChuck would have the sense to lock up his arch-enemies in separate cells. > she was in a dungeon too Mike: Oh, okay. Crow: The same one, by any chance? > and had > nowhere to go. She was still trying to believe that Lechuck had come > back now she thought to herself he may never go away. Tom: Yeah, it is getting a bit predictable. Crow: [Elaine] LeChuck again? God, it's like some evil curse! I can't escape! > He still > wanted to marry her and now had found another way of convincing her > by capturing her grandfather and threatening her that he would kill > grandfather Marley. What could she do? Mike: Get ready for a big inheritance? > Suddenly she heard heavy > footsteps and the door opened, "you ready?" Lechuck smirked. > "Great, great, great" Guybrush muttered Tom: [confused] But... I thought- Crow: These paragraph breaks are getting bewildering. > getting more and more > annoyed. He had circled the room six times but still no luck. Mike: [Guybrush] Dammit, I'm trying a trapezoid next. > Maybe > Lechuck finally has found a way of keeping me locked up he sat on > the cold floor, there is no hope he thought to himself. Crow: Oh, really? Mike: That sounds like the cue for an immediate escape. > Suddenly > though Elaine popped into his mind Tom: Aaah! Mike: Not to worry, there's plenty of room. > and thoughts of her brought him > back to his feet, no! He thought, there has to be a way out! > Maybe some of these bricks are weak? Crow: If they are, the whole dungeon'll come crashing down on you, and I don't think LeChuck would mind that. > He had done it before and knew he could do it again. Tom: However, what spinning three plates on sticks simultaneously had to do with his present situation, Guybrush wasn't entirely sure... > He started > tapping lightly at the stone bricks but to no avail. He was about to > go into a crisis again Crow: [snicker] > when one of the stones began to move and > suddenly fell forwards revealing Tom: [Guybrush] So *that's* where Captain Dread's kept his secret ganja stash! Mike: *Tom*... Tom: All right, all right... > a little hole and a little figure > crawling through. Mike: It was ten to the power of negative twenty. > Timmy! Little Timmy the monkey! > Guybrush had never been so happy to see a monkey in his life. > Oooh ack ack! Timmy squealed Crow: Is this Timmy or Penfold? > and signalled for Guybrush to follow > him. Tom: With his middle finger. > Without a second thought Guybrush jumped in after him and Mike: Immediately knocked himself out, as there's no way even his head could fit through that tiny gap... Crow: It's Tiny Guybrush! Tom: [Tiny Guybrush] Man, that sucker's HUGE! Crow: Good one, Tiny G! > followed him out. Mike: Oh. Well, so much for plausibility. > When they reached the end they found themselves > outside the governer's mansion. Tom: So Elaine has a secret dungeon under her mansion? Mike: You'd be surprised how often it comes in handy. > But where do they go from there? Mike: That's entirely up to you, Louise. Crow: Don't ask us! > The Church! Guybrush thought. That's where Lechuck first went to > marry Elaine he must still be there. Mike: You mean he didn't actually take part in all those sequels? Tom: Nah, that was just his stunt double. Crow: [Priest] You know, Elaine's been gone for six years now. I don't think she's coming back. Mike: [LeChuck] Nonsense! She's just... powdering her nose! Yeah, that's it. > "Great!" Guybrush yelled Tom: [Guybrush] Rid of the bitch at last! Mike: Tom... Tom: Well, he *sounds* happy! > and > then suddenly took a step back, he remembered being punched all over > Melee by Lechuck. Sure, he had got him by the end but that hurt! > "We are gathered here today..." began the voodoo priest in the Melee > Church. Crow: What... is this some kind of flashback? Tom: Okay, I was a bit lost before. I'm *totally* lost now. > Lechuck was there but still wary he just thought to himself > Guybrush may show up but then he thought nah, Guybrush is never > going to destroy it this time. Crow: [LeChuck] Self-referential irony be damned! *This* time for *sure*! > "Well if I succeed I have gotten rid of Lechuck Tom: Why would LeChuck say that? Mike: Wait, I think this is Guybrush. > and got back Elaine > but Lechuck has come back before why wouldn't he this time?" Crow: Ummm... hasn't he already? Mike: No, I think Guybrush is just wondering if it's even worth fighting LeChuck, since he always seems to be implausibly resurrected later. Tom: Boy, you can just cut the existentialism with a knife around here. > Guybrush was thinking hard about what to do. > He will not destroy me again! Lechuck thought to himself Mike: Whoops, back to LeChuck again. Crow: [LeChuck] Because I've already killed him and disposed of the body- ...what, you mean I haven't? Drat. > over and > over. > "But if Elaine does marry him Mike: No, false alarm... back to Guybrush again. Tom: You know, jump cuts really don't work in fanfics. > then grandfather Marley goes free Crow: [Guybrush] We can't have that now, can we? > and > I'm sure Lechuck will let me visit her on weekends if I promise not > to touch her or anything" > Timmy rolled his eyes this was going to take a long time maybe he > should get Elaine? Mike: Yeah, where exactly is she? Crow: And what about the other islanders? Were they in the same dungeon? What's happened to them? > Part 3 coming soon. Tom: Comprehensibility not guaranteed. > > > > A New Adventure Crow: Oh, goody! Maybe it'll be better than the one we've been reading so far. > - by Louise M. Mike: Doesn't she write Harlequin novels? > Part 3: Timmy kicks butt > "Do you Lechuck take Miss Elaine..." Crow: Miss? She's already married. > "I Do!" shouted Lechuck before the priest could finish Tom: His whiskey. > "Eeek Ack" came a squeaky voice Mike: [LeChuck] Who left the radio on? > "What the?" > "Eeek ooh" suddenly Timmy leapt from the back of the church onto > Lechucks face Tom: That's... some leap. > who struggled to keep his balance. > Suddenly Guybrush appeared too, Crow: [makes weird teleport noise] > "I'll save you E-oh" Guybrush said Tom: He's my favorite Tellytubby. > "Well I'll save you while Timmy fights demon boy there" > Guybrush ran to the front of the church where Elaine stood he could > see her face so he knew it wasn't two monkeys Mike: But from behind, he wouldn't have had a clue. Crow: Elaine's not going to be happy when she hears about this. > he pulled on her arm > but the figure just stayed still "Elaine!" shouted Guybrush and > tugged again with which the arm fell off. > It was a dummy "Didn't notice Guybrush?" Elaine suddenly appeared by > his side Crow: [makes weird teleport noise] Mike: How'd she escape? Tom: Do you really think we're going to find that out? Mike: Fine, forget I asked. > "Well-I, Timmy!" Guybrush remembered but Timmy and Lechuck > were still at it All: *Ahem*! > but they didn't notice anything around them when > suddenly Lechuck finally lost his balance and fell onto a pillar, > which started to fall with the rest of the church. Mike: And Elaine Marley's lazy building regulations save the day! > Elaine ran, > Guybrush ran and Timmy ran but Lechuck got caught under the falling > rock. > Guybrush managed to get his wife and monkey out as the church > collapsed and left just a pile of broken stone. "Well, that ended > quicker than I'd have thought," said Elaine Mike: That's it? What happened to Horatio? Crow: The missing villagers? Tom: Captain Dread's secret ganja stash? Mike: aarrRRGH... > "Yeah, the author must have gotten bored" Crow: She must have picked up some vibes from the readers. > "What?" > "I dunno why I said that" > "Eek ack ack" Mike: I think just 'Okay' would do here, Elaine. > "Let's go home" > "Good job kiddo" said a gruff voice, which must have been grandpa > Marley Tom: Because if it wasn't, they were really in trouble. Mike: And how'd HE escape? > "Grandpa!" > "Well, Guybrush it's a time like this Crow: It certainly is a time like this. Man, that Horatio's perceptive. > I'm not ashamed my daughter is > married to an imbecile" > "Hey!" > "Hee Hee" > Back at the mansion... Tom: Bow wow, chick chika... > "Hey didn't I tell you?" said Grandpa Marley > "What?" asked Guybrush > "Like you didn't know" > "What?" > "I want to see some grandchildren" Crow: [Guybrush] What? > "We're planning on it" > "In time" replied Elaine Tom: [Guybrush] What? > "In time" Crow: Given reasonable discretion, when events permit, with appropriate give and take, if all goes well, when the moment is right... > THE END Mike: [Guybrush] What? Tom: Well, that was pointless. [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Crow: I'm really hoping we get something other than Monkey Island next time. Tom: Surely he's dredged all the crap up by now? There can't be anything left... [Deep 13] Dr. F: I'm afraid so, Mister Servo. You may have survived this one, but just wait till you get what I've got lined up.... [end credits] -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on Louise M., although I would like to know what her last name is... > "What?