Well, I AM quite the adept tree-cutter. Men still tell tales of my youthful prowess. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. Would you give me a demonstration? I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. I can't reach it. I can't, my therapist and I have an agreement. I better not, my scoutmaster warned me to be careful. I don't wanna cut that, man. It's closed. 'The Chicago Manual of Thermodynamic Flux Induction Circuit Design' Great stuff! 'The Chicago Manual of Thermodynamic Flux Induction Circuit Design' I'll bet this'd work better than a sleeping pill. I'd rather not. 'YOU'RE BRILLIANT. WHAT A NOVEL DESIGN. COME TO BALTIMORE AT ONCE.' How could I improve on such succinct brilliance? I'm a big fan of education. I think ecology is very important. Depends on how many cherry trees you've chopped down. I think I have to go now. Gee, I gotta go now. Whoa, you're like George Washington! Weren't you president or something? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Dude, I loved your work on the Declaration of Independence. I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. Excuse me. Ah, you again. Listen, I'm afraid I'm quite busy. Affairs of the state and all that, I'm sure you understand. Yes? Weren't you president or something? You enunciate quite clearly for a man without his teeth. I've been thinking about what you said about cherry trees. Is it true about you and the cherry tree? I think it's freezing in here, don't you? Cold enough for ya? Do you really have WOODEN teeth? Whoa, you're like George Washington! What are you looking at out there? Now what are you looking at out there? Gee, I gotta go now. I've had a bit of practice. Martha frequently hides them from me as a joke. Pondering the great truths, eh? Well? Oh yes, it's quite true. Why, I've cut down ACRES of cherry trees in my day. Freezing? Poppycock! Balderdash! Pshaw! Gedoudahere! Cold? Why, you don't know the meaning of the word! I spent a winter at Valley Forge, now THAT was cold! Why, my spit would freeze before it hit the ground! Cool. Extremely. Very much like him, according to my wife, MRS. Washington. Whoa! Awesome! My name's Hoagie. Does Mrs. Washington know you wear so much makeup? Indeed. Like the sandwich? How quaint. One must wear makeup when one receives the phenomenal amount of media attention that I do. It's quite likely that I'll be president soon, you know. Yes, I expect to be chosen president unanimously. I'm VERY well connected. As a matter of fact, I do make use of artificial teeth. I find them to be far superior to the ordinary enamel variety. Wow, what do you brush them with? Don't you have a problem with splinters? Where could I get some of those? My Uncle Henry has false teeth, too. Well, I gotta go now. I use a toothbrush, much like everyone else. And a bit of wood polish, of course. Doesn't that taste awful? Don't they make a disposable kind? Well, I gotta go now. Not if you take them out, first. Actually, I believe the proprietor of this inn is working on something like that. I've been to WAR, boy. No one who's heard the thunder of musket fire... ...smelled the sulphur from a cannon blast... ...and felt the fear in the hearts of his comrades... ...is going to be bothered by a little thing like-- OW!! Blast it! Well, what about termites? Well, what about woodpeckers? Well, what about dry rot? Well, I gotta go now. Hardly. They're rather expensive. Mine were custom-made for me by my good friend Paul Revere. Didn't he ride a horse through town naked? Didn't he invent 3-D glasses? Doesn't he have a band or something? Well, I gotta go now. I believe you have him confused with someone else. Fascinating, I'm sure. The future of our nation. That young couple by the stump? That young couple by the tree? Those outhouses? A system of free enterprise and opportunity? No, no. I was just admiring my reflection in the window. Striking, aren't I? There are two sides to everything, you know that, my boy? Wow, what issue are you contemplating? Is it the legality of abortion? Is it death penalty laws? Is it victimless crimes? What do you think, is my left side better, or my right? Something horrible is on the rise. Pollution? Imperialism? Noise control laws? What? What is it? I think I'm getting a blemish. Do you think I should be the 'ecology president' or the 'education president?' I'm a big fan of education. I think ecology is very important. Depends on how many cherry trees you've chopped down. I think I have to go now. Really? How surprising. Yes, of course, but what really matters is which one SOUNDS better. Excellent point. Well, I AM quite the adept tree-cutter. Men still tell tales of my youthful prowess. Would you give me a demonstration? I bet you've lost it. You couldn't cut down a tree to save your grandmother. I think I'll go look at some trees right now. I don't see why I should. Lost it, have I? Why, I'd show you a thing or two, if there were a cherry tree nearby! But as you can see, there isn't. I only cut down CHERRY trees. Family tradition, you understand, cherries only. There's nothing out there but cedar and kumquats. It doesn't seem to open. I can't open it. I don't think I can open it. That doesn't sound like a good idea. I don't got nothin' to prove. That might not be wise. It won't budge. I can't move it. Take that. Bitchin'. Neat. Fascinating. Not my type. Bernard, float over here so I can punch you. This must be that Woodstock place Mom and Dad are always talking about! What could it all mean? I don't know! I don't wanna know! Hahahahahaha... DIE! HAHAHA! DIE!... We may not live to see yesterday! I'm sure Doctor Fred wouldn't have done this if it weren't safe. After all, he IS a doctor! I can't go through the fire. I would, but not enough people are looking at me. I suggest the national anthem should be... ...'Bite the Demon Pancreas' by the Spewtones. N-n-no chance, b-b-boy. You have to p-p-put it in writing. Put it in writing. 'The Constitutional Convention invites your comments...' '...critiques...' '...amendments to the constitution.' It's padlocked. 'Stolen from the desk of GEORGE WASHINGTON' Hey, keep your hands off of that. It's already got ink. Sorry. I'm saving it. It's going to be a famous log. It's big, it's heavy, it's wood. Don't touch that. It's government property. It looks like a martini shaker. Thank you, this is exactly the sort of thing I need for the time capsule. I'll bury it tonight, and it won't be seen for hundreds of years. Future generations are in your debt. Whoa. That's nice, but not right for a time capsule. Please stop. You're making me quite drowsy. If I had a nickel for every time I've seen that face... He wouldn't get it. Stop reading that horrible book. It's hard enough to stay awake through this blasted meeting as it is. I got something funny to show ya. You rapscallion! It's lucky for you I'm so dignified. Mr. Hancock, dude? Y-Y-Y-Yes-sss? M-M-My c-c-c-coat! G-G-Get away, you loyalist! He looks better now. Must have poor circulation. Stop reading that book! I have enough trouble staying awake with Mr. Time Capsule here as my constant companion. S-s-stop that! It's so c-c-cold in here that I'm afraid if I f-fall asleep I'll wake up as an ice c-cube in somebody's d-drink. This was hard to get. I don't think he'd be interested. What he needs is a space heater. Navajo, I think. I've got better things to do. It's a little cage with a canary in it, perched above a little lever... Hmmm... I guess I would have to start a fire to do that. It's a little cage with a canary in it, perched above a little lever... Hmmm... Someday, I'll let the bird have it. Hot. No. Fire bad. Whoa, it's filling up fast! They don't seem to have gotten too far. I don't think that's the right way to add an amendment. You can look, but don't touch. Cool view of the outhouses. Mr. President, may I offer you an excellent smoke? Can you also provide me with a light? No. Pity. Can you also provide me with a light? Sure. Well, in that case... Blast! I hate it when that happens! See if you can't find those for me, will you? There's a good lad. Excuse me. Yes? Could you use these? Very kind, but those are much too large for me. Why, thank you, young man. Strange... ...I wonder if I should cut down on the coffee? No thanks, I already have some false teeth. It looks pretty clear in here now. Say, did you get the pen on our way out? No, I-- I found a blanket blocking the chimney. Son, do you know anything about a blanket? Uh, didn't the dude next to you have one earlier? Err... Uh... Hey, catch you later. So, as soon as Hoagie gets that battery working, we're set! I'm afraid not. We still need a diamond for the main unit! And your friend in the future needs power too... If she's still alive. Alive? Get me out of here! I like trees and everything, but this one has got to go!!! Bribery won't get you anywhere. Watch it! Impressive triangular formation. Dr. Fred is being held under duress. Dr. Fred! Are you alright? Get me out of here! I feel like I'm pupating! I'm surprised I ever got out of there alive. I don't want to get locked out. I don't know how to run this thing! I don't think it's much use without a diamond. It's already open. I don't want to cause any more trouble. It's glowing. It's fine where it is. Well, I'M ready to go. Who knows what Hoagie and Laverne are up to. It can't do anything without a new diamond. No way. Too late. We need it now. Stop it, you little twerp. Yikes! That's boring stuff! I'd yawn, but I'm too jacked on caffeine! Get away from that! 'World's Greatest Mad Scientist' I think it's designed to run with something more like a small rodent. It looks like a generator driven by a treadmill. It's Dr. Fred's design for a super-battery! It's capable of storing up to one gigavolt with a charging time of only .01 seconds! Wow! It's the battery plans I'm supposed to give to that Red Edison dude. Better not. That might invalidate the patent. 'To do:' Hoagie needs this. There are no more push-pins. 'WARNING: Output from this device is highly toxic... ...and may cause tyrannical delusions if ingested.' 'WARNING: Do not touch the Sludge-O-Matic_ 3000.' We'd better deal with Purple Tentacle first! I don't think he'll be much of a conversationalist right now. I would, but he's asleep. He's still asleep. He won't hear me, he's still asleep. I'm not interested in your paltry offerings. He looks a lot like Santa, but not as friendly. That's probably a bad idea. I think it's the switch for the Sludge-O-Matic_ machine. We can't reach it! It's back on now. There, it's off. But it's too late now. Hey, Doctor Fred! Let's go get the contract out of the safe and sign it! What was that you said about a contract? We HAVE to do something! We have to DO something! We have to do SOMETHING! You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. How's the mad scientist biz? Well, gotta go save the world. Call me when you get a diamond. What do you suggest, college boy? No diamond for the central unit... ...no power for the Chron-O-Johns... ...a mutant monster of my own creation roaming the countryside, taking over the world... It's a dark day for mad science. Yeah! We have to get a new diamond! Why can't we just fix the time machine? What if we unpollute the river? How about catching Purple Tentacle? I guess I'll have to go save the world myself, then! Isn't there ANYTHING we can do? Go diamond shopping! It needs a whole new diamond! Now where am I going to get the money? Bake sale? How much could it possibly cost? I thought you were rich! Hey, I know! Let's put on a show in the old barn! Do you realize how much a diamond costs? Two months of the groom's salary? TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!! I don't know about you, but I'm a little strapped for cash right now. So? You've got money, don't you? Well... I didn't get all the money I expected from that TV show about us. We've had to rent out our mansion as a hotel just to make ends meet. (sigh) If only I had signed that contract in time... What contract? What TV show about you? Well, I'll find the money somewhere! Well, after that incident where I was possessed by a meteor from outer space... Somebody decided to make a show about us... But they didn't pay us anything! All we got was a cut of the video game. Wow. That thing made millions! Yeah. I forgot to sign the royalty contract in time though. I still have it in my safe upstairs. I forgot the combination! But that's... ...that's so STUPID, Doctor Fred! I know. It gives my enormous brain nightmares. Every night I dream about opening the safe. ...but I find something horrible inside and slam it shut... ...over and over again, night after night. Is that why you drink so much coffee? I haven't slept in two years. I could just shut off my Sludge-O-Matic_ machine, but it's too late-- You have a machine whose sole function is producing toxic waste?!? You can't have a high-tech laboratory like this and not spew poisonous filth... ...all the other mad scientists would laugh. He's long gone! Probably taking over the world as we speak! Soon we'll all be speaking... ...well, English, I guess. Sorry--coffee jitters. Maybe you should switch to decaf. No! Then I'd fall asleep, and... ...the dreams would come. Not too lucrative, lately. We're living mostly on the income from renting out our mansion. That and Edna's tips from her exotic dancing. Good luck! I got the contract for you to sign, Doctor! Sorry, I don't like to sign things I haven't read. Will you PLEASE sign this contract? I don't sign things I haven't read. Okay, so read it first! But the whole human race is at risk! Sign it or... I'll... get real mad. Oh, forget it. I'll get rid of Purple Tentacle myself! And do what? Not be my friend anymore? Ha ha ha. Oh yeah? How? I'm getting Purple Tentacle declared insane and arrested. I'm starting up a petition to ban all tentacles. I offered Purple Tentacle a bribe and he took it. I guess I can't. Hey, did you join a record club lately? That's a good idea! But I need a note signed by a doctor... Oh. Hey, I'M a doctor! We're in luck! Wow! Where do I sign? Right here! Where'd you get that kind of money? I used one of your checks. Brilliant! I'll just stop payment on it tomorrow! Exactly! All I need now is your signature... Good God, no! Those things are horrible, money-leeching death traps! Well, there's a deliveryman upstairs with a carton of easy-listening eight-tracks for you... ...he says you have to pay for them... Ack! Not again! ...unless you sign this refusal form immediately... I'm busy trying to think of a way to save humanity! Of course! That's why I'm busy trying to think of a way to save it! Thanks! That was a close one. Well, good luck! I don't have time to read! Now leave me alone! Doctor Fred! What do we do now? We wait for those buddies of yours to plug in their Johns! We have to buy a diamond and plug it into the Chron-O-John! Wooo! Look at 'im go! So, what are you up to these days? I think I have to go now. Open up, Ed. Come on, share the pain with Bernie. So, what are you up to these days? Gee, I gotta go now. Whoa, you're like George Washington! Later, bra. Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Dude, I loved your work on the Declaration of Independence. Hey! Don't touch my stamps! Pony express stamps! Yes. Not the most valuable kind, but they have a lot of sentimental value to me. Boy, he's been working out since the last time I saw him. Hi, Ed. Don't push it, man! Don't make me do something I'll regret! Hey! Be careful! You almost hit my stamps! That's exactly what I DON'T want to do! Nah, I better not. Hey! You fixed it! I guess I can forgive you now. Sometimes I do stupid stuff, and I don't even know why... ...as if my body were being controlled by some demented, sadistic puppet-master... Well, we all feel that way sometimes. I think I want to keep that one. I don't think I should bother him with that. Get out of here! Hamsters have no sense of humor. Everyone knows that. He's reading the Wall Street Journal. He's frozen solid! He still looks really cold. Cute little fella. I wish I had some formaldehyde. Dr. Fred said not to flush living things. Dr. Fred said not to flush living things, I think. Naa. I see no reason to torment the little guy. That's sick! No, I've grown attached to the cute little guy. I might hurt the little fella. I might hurt the little guy. I need something more high-tech. Hello, little computer. I respect you even though you've only got 64K of memory. I've got one just like this packed away in the garage. Come on, it's not such a bad little computer. Get out of here! That's quite a nice collection. Can I have it? Nice hamster. Does he do tricks? What happened to the old hamster? What was the horrible sound? That hamster really should get some exercise. Are all your hobbies this fascinating? How are the folks? Well, hope I didn't get you too excited. Bye. NO!!! I mean... uh... ...no. They mean a lot to me... Sometimes, I think they're the only friends I've got. No, he just sits there. I used to have a really smart hamster, but... ...something... ...happened to him. It was sort of like... 'DING!' Oh God, I hear it in my dreams 'til this day! I... I don't remember. When I try, all I can think of is a flash of light... ...and this horrible sound. Well, Dad puts him to work down in the basement sometimes. But then he starts sweating, and then he gets wet... ...and then he gets cold, and then he refuses to work. Your dad or the hamster? Are you making fun of me? No! I-- I get upset when people make fun of me! I just meant-- Ooooh! It makes me so mad! I just want to... ...relax. I want to relax. I'll be okay, if I just focus on my stamps. I don't have any other hobbies. These stamps are my whole life. If anything were ever to happen to them... Well, Dad's in the basement, doing an experiment... Mom's in the next room, spying on a honeymoon. Ted's in the front yard... Holdin' up a bowl-a-lard? Well... It's a birdbath, actually, but it rhymes better your way. Peace be with you. Hey, aren't you Weird Ed Edison, the paramilitary nut? Why yes, I-- Hey! Do I know you? Yeah! I'm Bernard Bernoulli. I broke into your house five years ago... ...kidnapped your hamster, broke into your piggy bank... Mmmm... Nope. Doesn't ring a bell, but I can't remember much about that period anyway. My psychotherapist thinks something traumatic happened to me back then that I'm blocking out. So you gave up the crazy military commando thing? Does it have anything to do with a hamster? Open up, Ed. Come on, share the pain with Bernie. So, what are you up to these days? I'm much better now. I don't have those... ...those bad thoughts anymore. Now, I collect stamps. All I know is that I used to have a cute, white hamster with spots. And now I have a cute brown one, with no spots. It used to worry me, and the nightmares would come. Don't worry about me. Hey! Leave the REST of my stuff ALONE! And get out of here! Care for some coffee, Ed? No, no, I can't drink coffee, not since-- --since-- --it just makes me edgy. That's so boring it almost put me to sleep. And I collect STAMPS. There's nothing in there to dry. I like to keep my change sorted. I figure this is about eight hundred seventy-six thousand, six hundred dollars worth of quarters. Except for those Beef Squigglies, I got everything I want out of there. Gee, the candy machine seems to be out of order... I wonder if that has something to do with my bashing it with the crowbar? Mmmm, that buzzing fluorescent light makes the beef jerky look especially attractive. I'd better not, he looks pretty angry. He looks pretty angry. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's open. We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's already closed. It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. Private. I'm sorry to do this to you little fella, but it's for the future of the whole planet. The plans! The plans! Blasted useless paperweight! Always conks out as I'm about to finish them off. Perhaps if I re-adjust the static phrase dynamo again... How can it possibly continue to thwart me? There, I think I've almost got it working. If only the hardware store carried larger batteries. Hmmm... Yipes! Ah HAH! Ah HAH! Uh-oh. Take that! ...and THIS! Drat! Hey! Where'd he go? It's got a picture of a guy on a horse. Hmmm... A 1778 pony express general delivery stamp... Not too valuable... ...but it is uncanceled. I love the way these taste. Take that, stamp. I might want to use it. No, who knows what that'll do to it. These are well-constructed! These are great stairs! What if somebody wants to use the stairs? Now that would be just plain mean. It looks like all the ink's disappeared now. Take that. It's already closed. I don't want to risk damaging these in the Chron-O-John. I don't want to wreck them. I think I'll hold on to this one a while. Now where'd Dr. Fred go? So you gave up the crazy military commando thing? That one looks like it's from a local hardware store. It's from George's Hardware... 'George says that every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement!' I don't see any spelling errors or anything. I don't really feel inspired to write. I can't think of anything to write. Looks like a stand for tourist info and ads for local merchants. I don't need any tourist junk. ...but this hardware ad looks macho enough for me. There's nothing to pick up. That sounds really dangerous. 1952. 1952. 2561. It looks broken, but there's something in the coin return. 'Out of Order' It already seems to be out of order. Hmmm... I wonder where it leads to... Something tells me it leads to the lab. I can't reach it! 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' 'Hard-working, moronic drone needed to assist genius with experiments.' 'High school diploma not required.' 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' I think it's a cry for help! I can't see past the sign in the window. Not much of a view. Someone's breaking into a car out there. It's already kind of chilly. Hmmm... There's something funny about that clock... I wonder how Dr. Fred fits his whole lab in that thing. This is a valuable antique! Laverne's covering that territory. I'm not leaving this motel until I find those tentacles! I THINK it's fake... It's startlingly realistic. Whoa, fake barf! That's one of the FEW places where fake barf isn't useful. Now THAT'S a gross idea. I'd hate to destroy a work of fine craftsmanship such as this. No way! That'd wreck it. Now how did THAT get up there? I can't reach it up there. I don't think I'm accurate enough to snag it from here. I don't think gum makes a good mix with coffee. I'd probably cut myself. It's stuck to the floor. That stuff might eat right through the floor. It's REALLY stuck to the floor. Way gross! I'm not chewin' that! I'm not chewing gum with shoe marks in it. It's stuck to the floor. Mmmm, spearmint, my favorite. Disgusting. Gross. It's not in a wrapper. Close gum? Spearmint! My favorite. It's been in someone's mouth, probably Bernard's by the teeth marks. Whoa, pre-chewed. A little sticky, but still worth ten cents. It's all sticky. Whoa, a dime! AAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!! What was THAT? I think you have to push it. That sounds like overkill. It's permanently attached to the counter top. Hoagie's got that part of the house. It's signed, 'Here's your EPA grant, keep up the good work. Hi from Mommy.' '--Ronnie, '83.' I'd rather not mess with it. It might be booby-trapped. A horticultural horror. I can't touch it. It's spiny. What if the S.P.C.P. were to find out? Yoo-hoo... Doctor Fred? She'd smack into the door! Boy, she looks even worse than she did five years ago. She might get the wrong idea. I'm afraid. She's open enough as she is. I don't think that's possible. No thank you, dear. Hee hee. I don't know what you're snickering at back there, but cut it out. Get away from that. Creepy. Must be an Edison. It looks awful heavy. I like it just the way it is. Nothing going on in there. It's Doctor Fred's office. I can see the safe. I can almost make out the combination! It's... Get away from there! Darn. Nothing going on in there. Get away from that. I see a large, pulsating lump with blue stripes on it. Yuck! He sucks up dust-bunnies from under the bed when he inhales! He's gone. Something strange is going on in there. Looks like the hallway. Not too interesting. Oooh, baby, what a man. You ain't kiddin', precious. Don't even think about it. No, Edna might come back, and she scares me. It looks like a physics professor I knew in the second grade. It's signed, 'Edna--Thanks for giving me the fever!' Well you know what they say... 'If you want to save the world, you got to push a few old ladies down the stairs.' --Eh? I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said. I think I must have dozed off there for a minute. Excuse me... What is it? I'm rather-- Say, aren't you Bernard Bernoulli? Hi there, sugar buns. Hi there, schnooky doodle. Hi there, my little piddle pie. Hi there, googly woogly. Hi there, squinky poo. Hi there, my little gurgle pot. Hi there, my little lumpykins. Hi there, my little wishy-washy fishy-wishy. Hi there, you manly hunk, you. Hi there, punky dunky. Hi there, stud. Eeeheeheehee! Yes, that's right. You must have me confused with some other Bernard Bernoulli. No, my name is Threepwood. I knew it! No, you're the one. Nice try, but I never forget a face. You broke into our mansion a few years ago to save your little friend. What did you come for this time? I'm trying to keep a tentacle from conquering the world. I'm a repairman. I've come to fix your VCR. It's a secret. I can't tell you. Uh, I'd better be going... Really? How nice. There's nothing wrong with my VCR! You keep your paws off it! A secret, eh? How exciting! Well, I won't rat you out, hot stuff. Yeeeheehee! Oh, so it's a secret, eh? Well, I think you're kind of cute, so I won't rat you out. Fred is the one who told me to find them. Let's talk about Dr. Fred some more. How's Dr. Fred doing? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I was just admiring your statue... Let's talk about your electronic gear again. This is quite an array of gadgetry you have here! I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Uh... Never mind. I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Well, he's still upset about the family financial situation, seeing as it's his fault and all... ...but he seems a lot better now that he's stopped sleepwalking. Oh, all right. Thank you. It's been in the Edison family since colonial times. One of Fred's ancestors carved it. Yes, it's the best surveillance system in the state. Any time, hot stuff! Eeeheehee! Come back any time, you big hunk. Yeeeheehee! Super-battery, huh? Fred might have something like that. Oh. How'd he wreck the family finances? What's wrong with sleepwalking? How did he manage to stop sleepwalking? Well, enough about Dr. Fred... I'll let you get back to what you were doing. Well, we should have made millions on the computer game they made about us... ...but the resident genius locked the contract in the safe in his office and forgot the combination. Ordinarily nothing, but when Fred sleepwalks, he remembers the combination to the safe. I'd find him in the office, opening it, screaming like a cat in the oven, and slamming it again... ...something about what's in there really scares him. Unfortunately, I was never able to catch the combination since he works it so fast. He stopped sleeping. Fred drinks a LOT of coffee. Me, I only drink decaf. Shall we talk about me? Eeeheehee! Is that a Plexus 7000 VCR? Are those Zenophobe crystal-matrix monitors? Do you think I could play with these a bit? Well, enough about your equipment. 'll let you get back to what you were doing. It sure is! It's got a dual tape speed motor with cobalt casing! Don't touch it! They sure are! They're so clear you can see the fleas on the bedroom walls. Don't touch! Absolutely NOT! Let's talk about YOURS. Yeeeheeheehee! That's only fun from a moving pick-up. It's open. It's closed. Making it dirtier won't help. I won't be able to get it very clean without soap. What am I supposed to do without water? I can't do anything without something to scrub with. Making it dirtier won't help. Ah, it's clean enough for me. It's totally covered with crud. It's the breast pocket from the lab coat. That's the thing I'm supposed to push, I think. Boy, that's a real sleeper of a book. What are you, some kind of geek? Nailed ya dead on, man! Unless it's lightning you're talking about, I don't want to know. I don't think he'd get it. Nice rain coat. I wish I needed it, but unfortunately, the sun continues to mock me with its insipid warmth. Please, I'm concentrating. Sure, push me around while you can. If you think I'm something to look at now, just wait. They look, and smell, a lot better from a distance. The lightning must've charged it up. It looks pretty much the same as Dr. Fred's motel. Wheeeee. NOW! NOW!!!! NOW, IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE, NOW!!! Oops. Why didn't you wait for me to say 'NOW'? What part of the word 'NOW' didn't you understand? Uhhh... Errr... Duhh... Look, it's very simple: I say 'NOW', and you PUSH the KITE. Comprenez-vous? Got it. Actually, I'd like to go think about it for a while. Marvelous. I'll be here when you figure it out. Whatta grouch. Now THAT was interesting! Yeah... Say, can I see that kite for a second? No! I'm taking it back to my lab in Philly right now, so I can study the results! Wish me luck. I never got your name! It's Hoagie, sir. Nice working with you, Hoagie. I promise to name an invention after you someday. Gosh, thanks. So what happened after I fainted? Well, after the lightning hit the kite, it came crashing down on your head. The lightning? No, the kite. Same strange phenomenon? Yes. Drat! What do you think we should do? Try, try again! I'd like to go back to my lab and consider the situation. That's the spirit! Sounds like something I would say! Ready for another brush with destiny? Sure, why not? I'd rather mope around some more. Splendid. I'll be waiting. It's closed. I'm guessing it conceals the entrance to a secret lab. And get some gnarly Egyptian curse? No way. Cool. The room clerk's a mummy. That would not be respectful. Besides, I might get caught. I guess he's not interested. Soon all the power of the heavens will be MINE! All MINE!!! If only we had some nasty weather... Hmmm... the design's solid... But I need some waterproof material... ...like cast iron, or something. Those founding fathers are driving me nuts! Flag design changes every five minutes! Well, as soon as I'm done with this, I'm making them a flag, ready or not! Just about done with this... Then I'm grabbing the latest flag design and sewing it up! Then it's, 'Bye-bye Betsy!' Boy, this has taken longer than I thought. I'll never get out of here. At this point, I don't care WHAT the flag looks like! How about an amendment that the president has to be a human being? Please, this is serious business. You're right. Maybe we should add a rule that you can't dump sludge into the water supply. What manner of fool would do that in the first place? You're right. What do you suppose happened to Hamilton and Madison? Yes, I'm certain we told them Thursday. I'll wager Madison's with that woman who bakes the cupcakes again... ...and Hamilton's probably gotten himself into another fight. I bet they show up late and take all the credit for our work. Are you sure we don't need to add anything about hideous slimy super-intelligent tentacles? Don't be absurd. Get me down from here! I can see Doctor Fred's old lab, and his generator is still there! Gee, I could really use that power... ...but I'll never get through this window. It's already open! It's already open. No need to pick on it. I'd rather leave it open. I'm too big to fit through. Hello? Anybody there? Nobody's down there. But it's all hooked up down in the lab. It's all hooked up now. I don't want to mess with it. I think it'd take a longer cord. I think it needs something with REAL juice. I think I need to plug that in, but I don't think it's long enough to reach anywhere. I don't think it'll get much power from that. It's attached to the Chron-O-John! There's nothing to get. There's something in there. It's empty. It looks ready to go. It's unplugged. Well, I'M all ready to go. But I guess I have to wait for Bernard and Hoagie. It's unplugged! I don't wanna get locked out. It's already open. I think I need to plug that in, but I don't think it's long enough to reach anywhere. It's too high. I can't reach it. The Chron-O-John's stuck in this stupid tree. It's WAY too high for me to reach. It's a viscous liquid, probably used in cooking. Mmmmm, cooking oil... Mmmmm, salad oil... It's a vibrant cherry red pigment...an enamel, I believe. It's lovely, and strangely soothing. All right, paint! The consistencies are incompatible. They wouldn't like each other. I don't like pink. No, I like it the way it is. Naw, I like it the way it is. No, I like it that color. What contract? Let's go get the contract out of the safe and sign it! We have to do SOMETHING! Hey, I know! Let's put on a show in the old barn! You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. Whoa, you're like George Washington! How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Hey! Mark your own cards! Now, why would I want to ruin the only entertainment these poor, wretched humans have? Kicks? Probably marked. Hey, THEY can cheat. YOU can't. That's what I think of you, humans. Typical. How's that for a blast from the past, eh? Leave us alone. I think they're both cheating. I can't kill my fellow inmates! I don't even know them yet. I don't want to start any fights I can't win. I don't think they're paying much attention. Best not bother them. They're busy cheating. I think it controls the force field. Now I am the jailer, and YOU... ...YOU, kitty, are my PRISONER!!! Ah-HA HA HA!!! Get away from that. That's MY job. Please, I'm bored enough already. Looks bored. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Oh, here I go out the door... Oh, I do so enjoy these freedoms that my forefathers fought and died for... Give it up. Sheesh. Congratulations, kitty! You've saved humanity with your repulsive appearance! I think I've had enough fun with Mr. Kitty. I just want to pat his little head. Go ahead, make my day. You'd have to spray me with worse than that to get me out of here. You're just as bad as those tentacles. I don't think killing old men will help... ...yet! He's crabby-looking enough already. Edisons don't take hand-outs, stranger. Please! No more science for this family! Hey, that was uncalled-for! Please, I'm bored enough already. Looks bored. I don't accept bribes... ...at least not that small. About time! I got tired of waiting around. Hey! How did you get out? Get back in there! I wish Dr. Tentacle would stop losing patients! Don't escape again! Mock my authority, will you? I've got better things to do that keep locking you up all day! I knew you'd return. No one ever escapes this place. I wish you'd just run away for good. Whoa! Dinner for two at Club Tentacle?!? I can't wait to tell my wife! Doctor Fred? Is that you? What? Yer nuts! There hasn't been a Fred in the Edison family for two hundred years! The last Fred was such a shame to the whole family... ...not to mention the whole human race! Uh, Zed? Hey, old timer. Eh? Well, who are you then? Where am I? How do I get out of here? What's this about a human show? Well I've got a lot of rotting in jail to do, so... I'm tired of talking now. It's been a long day, and I'm only... ...human. I'm Zed Edison... ...that's my wife Zedna, and my son Ved. Hmmf. Ymmp. Nice to meet you. You're in the ancestral home of the once-proud Edison family. We were once the masters of this house, just as humans were once the masters of Earth. Now we are the servants... ...the PETS! And not very good at either one, I might add! Oh, get bent, you overdressed nightcrawler. If I knew that, do you think I'd be here? It's a degrading farce! That's what it is! These slimy tentacles put humans in humiliating little costumes... ...do sickening things to their hair... ...and then force them to parade their ridiculous 'talents' in front of unqualified judges who were paid off weeks in advance! Didn't get in, eh? They said macram_ wasn't a talent. ...pointy-headed goons. I heard that. Yeah, me too. Get me out of here! I haven't done anything! Well, you must have done SOMETHING, or you wouldn't be here, now would you? You'd be out in the lobby with your tentacle owner, getting dressed up for the human show. OWNER?!? No one OWNS me! Gosh... no owner, you say? Well, don't worry about it.I'm sure someone will come adopt you before we have to put you to sleep. Damn that Doctor Fred! Hey, she knows the Edison family motto! You're free! Free to do what? Free to... ...to... ...run wild through the woods, like humans should! Big deal. I said you're FREE! Now get off your fat, lazy butts and start enjoying it! Enjoy being hunted for the rest of our lives by that mustached old tentacle with the big net? If we ran off, he'd be right on our trail! If we stay here we know we'll be warm and comfortable. Outside we'd be eating bugs and moss. You'll be eating my fist in a second! The woods are filled with wild animals! Lions... ...tigers... ...and SKUNKS! Man, I hate skunks! How did you get back here so...? Back from where? Never mind. SAY, cutie! What brings a hot tentacle babe like you to a dump like this? How's it going, Mr. Tentacle Guy? Oh, same as ever. I'm broke, hate my job, etc. I'm, uh, here to see YOU, big boy. Don't you recognize me? I'm looking for a pet. I'm here by accident. Bye. Uh... no... I- Hey! Aren't you the waitress from Club Tentacle? I love that place! I'd be there right now if I weren't flat broke. REALLY?!? Well, what are you doing for dinner? How about Club Tentacle? Oh, what am I saying... I can't afford to take out the trash, let alone a classy babe like you. (sigh) Sorry, honey. You came to the wrong place. These three are PROBLEM humans... ...untrainable... ...disobedient... ...downright surly. He's just jealous 'cause we got opposable thumbs! Someday you will accept tentacles as your masters! Ha! You losers can't even ride tricycles! You see why no one wants them as pets? I told you, you don't want these humans as pets. And I don't want to be no pet, so nyah! Ah, your mamma. Yeah, well, I got your PET right here, buddy. Bite me, tentacle. Oh, go suck your thumb. Whoops, I forgot! You don't have one! (heh heh) Man, I wish my ancestors had never INVENTED you guys. Hey, I don't want to be here either. Bribery won't get you anywhere. Watch it! It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Looks like a paint-by-numbers picture of sushi. I still don't understand how they can eat through a sucker. It's a comprehensive though poorly rendered diagram of the working parts of a tentacle. I'd rather not. That could be dangerous. I might need it. I might get ashes on my killer t-shirt. They've got the spleen mixed up with the liver. Oh, I've got plenty of those at home. There might be a smoke alarm in here. It's mostly accurate. Close enough for jazz. It wouldn't be as much fun as the real thing. 'Licensed to treat tentacles for the betterment of the tentacle race.' I shouldn't. He paid a lot of money for that. 'Licensed to euthanize humans for the betterment of the tentacle race.' Well, well, what have we here? I feel pukey. Indeed? OK, now, hold still. Are you gonna use your scalpel? No, of course not. Darn. Do you wanna use mine? Er... no. Hmmm. What? Hmmmm. What? What? Just as I suspected. WHAT? There's nothing wrong with you, human. What a letdown. Well, I'm late for the show. I'll send your keeper back for you. Oh. Sit. Stay. Good boy. Yoo-hoo! Mr. Tentacle Guy! What? Get me out of here! This is a violation of my rights! I have to go to the bathroom! Oooh... I don't feel so good... Never mind. Rights!?! You're a HUMAN! You don't have any RIGHTS! Ha, that's a good one! Imagine, a HUMAN using a BATHROOM! Oh, alright. Come on, let's take a walk. Okay, human--do your business... Boy, you sure have to go a lot. It's the only entertainment I have. Hmmm, I'd better take you to see the doctor. I think I'm going to throw up all over. Uh-oh. Time to visit Doctor Tentacle. Again? Don't worry, I won't. That's my boy. That's for luck! I should be nice to him. He's a good friend. I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. I don't think he'd know what to do with it. My, how humanity has advanced in the last two hundred years. Not a bad idea, but this isn't a good place to cause a scene. I'm not sure, but I think I'm being snubbed. Hi. I don't think they'd know what to do with it. They both seem to be very happy about something. That might get a rise out of them, but I don't want to attract too much attention. Come on! Get insulted! Aren't you gonna punch me in the face? What has become of humanity? I think they're spoken for. They look pretty vacant, I doubt they'd enjoy it. How d'ya like that, eh? Going to do something about it? I thought not. I say! That is a repulsive habit! He looks like a real stiff. Would you like-- I have everything I need, thank you. Unwise. Good heavens. That's a good trick, human. I'd almost believe you can read, but no one would write tripe like that. Sorry, I'm under strict orders from tentacle number one......the almighty elder... ...the grand poobah, Purple Tentacle, not to let ANYONE near this clock. But I have rights! I'm a tentacle! And a darned attractive one, I might add. I'm sorry... But no one gets to this clock while I'm here... ...and unless I have to go chase down some escaped humans, I'm glued to this spot! Rats! You heard the man! Escape! I doubt if I could budge it. This is an antique. It certainly is! It leads to Dr. Fred's old lab. I wonder if that still leads down to Doctor Fred's old lab. Tentacles only upstairs. Behave or I'll take you to the kennel. If I only had a tentacle costume... 'This four-hundred-year-old clock is an amusing example of primitive human timekeeping.' It looks pretty well stuck there. Oh, my! A novelty vanishing fluid! How... witty! What ever will you clever tentacles think up next? I don't know! Of course you don't. Get away from me, you mangy mutt! If you're going to try to sabotage my chances of winning the show... ...you'll have to be MUCH more clever than that! I think he's spoken for. You better believe it. You're talking to the wrong people. We like it here. We're celebrities. Hi. My name's Laverne. I'm a sophomore. My name's Harold. I'm a thoroughbred. How's it hangin', Harold? I'm sure I don't know. That's quite a tutu you've got there. Where is your owner? Is your hair naturally blue? What are you... uh... guys waiting for? Hey, hold that thought. I gotta boogie. Well, then, good luck. Who needs luck when you've got beauty? Thank you. My owner paid quite a lot of money for it. My owner buys me anything I want. He's not here right now... ...but he would be, if he in any way possibly could. His bus broke down in Pittsburgh, so he's stuck there with the other owners. This is the first show I've ever done... ...alone. Natural? How gauche! This took several very expensive sessions at a posh grooming salon! I've got the hair competition in the bag! We're all waiting for the human show to begin, of course. If you have a human you want to enter, you'd better get it down here. If your owner's going to enter you, they'd better get you some name tags, quick. But then again, why bother? My owner says I'M going to win. I'm the most beautiful human there is. Keep in touch. Remember me? I'm Laverne. Hi, I'm Laverne. What did you say was upstairs? What's upstairs? Nice clock. Is that a real moustache? You look sort of dopey standing there with a net. Did you get a free sandwich with that hat? Nothing that you need to worry about. An old time capsule and some worthless human relics. And, of course, the showroom. Off limits to humans, naturally, except for the showroom. Rather. No one is to touch it, especially humans. That's regrettable. Perhaps you should see the doctor. Hrmf. I'm very sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that. Now, be off with you. Ah, hello. I say, have I told you about the time I tracked an escaped human to Madagascar? He had stowed away aboard a tuna boat you see, and I narrowly missed stopping it leaving port. Unfortunately, the only other available transport was a rowboat, so I-- I say, have I told you about the time I was nearly caught in a wheat thresher? I had tracked a renegade human to a farm in Iowa. There was a dummy in the field which was presumably meant to scare away crows or thieves. Anyway, the amusing bit is that-- Have I told you about the time I tracked a human all the way to the North Pole? He was a short one, I remember, with curiously pointed ears. I had to eat my sled dogs by the time I caught up with him. He had holed up in a workshop there, and there was a fat human in a rather garish red suit who-- I say, have I told you about the time I-- Yes, you've told me that one. Oh. ...umm... Yes? Never mind, I forgot what I was going to say. Well, be seeing you. Hi, I'm Laverne. Aren't you curious about what's inside the clock? Couldn't I please touch the clock? Nice clock. You're quite a tracker, aren't you? Has anybody ever escaped from this place? Be seeing you. 'Laverne', eh? Curious name for a tentacle, I must say. Are you here for the show? Yes, it's a valuable antique. I'd like to show it to you, but I'm presently charged with the task of guarding it. No one will get near it while I'm here! Some try once in a while, but I always fetch them back. That's my primary duty here, and I take it very seriously. I always get my man, no matter how long it takes.Why, I once trailed a renegade human for six days. He led me clear through the hills and up to the top of those mountains to the west. You couldn't possibly imagine the horrible things I had to eat to survive! Grub and maggot salad? Putrefied squirrel intestines? Pieces of your own body? Cole slaw? Good heavens! Yes, perhaps I can regale you with further tales of my tracking expertise. Yes, perhaps I can regale you with tales of my adventures. Sorry, no. No one touches the clock while I'M on duty. Not really. Guarding it is more or less the same no matter what's inside. Rather. I always get my man, no matter how long it takes. Yes, that's right. Show? No, I'm not here for the show. What show? Well, good luck to you, then. No? Are you a human owner? If you are, perhaps you should consider entering. Why, the human show, of course. It's the big event of the day. If you own a human, you might want to consider entering. There are some jolly good prizes to be won. Why, the grand prize is a dinner for two at Club Tentacle! Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. Boy, I wish I had a tentacle costume or something. But I can't even sew. Hold it! Humans aren't allowed to roam free here. I'm taking you back to the kennel. I wish I had some sort of tentacle disguise. A better means of transportation than I would have guessed. I think it's a fireplace. Either that or the end of a big vacuum hose. I don't think I'm strong enough to move it. It's as open as it gets. There's nothing to close. It says, 'Hello, my name is.' Boy, that would be funny. No, I want to save it for my next sci fi convention. No, I should leave it blank. Then I can give it to girls and tell them it's a backstage pass. He didn't say anything about filling it out. You're ready to go now. I wouldn't want to waste it. What the--? Show some restraint! What are you, HUMAN? Hey! That's for calling me human. Hmpf! This is why I hate working with humans. Now, beat it. He looks a lot like my uncle Reggie. He might get upset... I don't need anything right now, thank you. Bribes won't work. You're just too darn UGLY. This one looks like Purple Tentacle, too. I think it's a picture of Purple Tentacle. They'll just throw me back in jail! I'm never going back there! I'm reformed! It's hung sort of high, I might strain myself. This one looks like Purple Tentacle, too. I think it's a picture of Purple Tentacle. Is it too late to register for the human show? Uh, the guard-guy wants to see you in the kennel. Could I register another human for the show? I'll ruin the show for everybody if you don't let me in. When's the show going to start? Boo! For you? Much, much too late. He said to just leave all your stuff here. Which guard? What's his name? I told you: The Guard-Guy. Ken. I don't know. I usually call him, 'Mr. Tentacle Guy.' Just get your butt in there. That's his name. What a coincidence--that's my name! Really? Of course not! Now, beat it. Why don't you beat it now? I've got a lot of standing around to do. You can't do anything! You are a HUMAN! This is a tentacle's world! Don't you get it? Only tentacles can own property, only tentacles can vote, and only TENTACLES can register humans in the show! You'd ruin it for everybody if I did. We're still waiting for one more human to fill the last stall. I'll fill it! With what? Don't answer that. Please. Your looks are scary enough. Hi! I'm La-- Woo-ee! You are one UGLY human! Excuse me? Man, I'm not kidding. You are just about the HOMELIEST homo sapien I've ever seen! Are you trying to tell me something? Thanks. You ain't so hot yourself. Hold on. I feel like I'm about to sock you. Well, I must be on my ugly way. Yeah. You're a real woof. I mean, your hair alone is going to give me nightmares. Not to mention your teeth, your clothes... ...your one eye that's bigger than the other... Gee, how much worse could I get? Not much, unless there were two of you. I never said I was, but sheesh! Have you taken a look at yourself lately? Oh, so you're ugly AND foul-tempered... Dang. That feeling always leaves me right when I need it. Thank you. I don't know how much more I could take. I guess I'd better just go shoot myself, then. Where I come from, I happen to be quite the babe. What is this? A beauty contest? I think I'm going to kill you. Oh, you don't have to do that! We have staff here that can do that for you. The doctor monitoring the human show, in fact, is a specialist in the field. You mean the kennel? That doesn't say much. Everyone in there is a human show reject! Yes. Oh. Well, I don't know if you could really call a human show a 'beauty contest.' It's more like a 'least ugly contest.' Now, now. You're never going to get into the human show with that attitude. Not to mention that face. Human show!?! Hot dang! Sign me up! Human show!?! How degrading! You should be ashamed! Human show, shmuman shmow. Who needs it? Well, I gotta go arrange your death now. Sorry, humans can't sign themselves up, no matter how ugly they are. Go ask your owner to sign you up. Ask them to sign you up for a haircut while they're at it. Yes, working with humans is degrading, but somebody has to do it. The winner gets dinner for two at Club Tentacle. Why would I want to go there? Not you. Your owner! Oh, forget it. You really should get some professional help. I already have a therapist. I was thinking more like a beautician. Hello. I'm a tentacle. I'd like to enter my insignificant human in the show. Oh, my. Yes, yes. Of course. Take these tags, put them on your human, and have them wait on the bench in the lobby. Entrants will be judged in three categories: Best smile, best hair, and best laugh. Thank you, fellow tentacle. Unlike humans, you have been very useful. Oh, uh, thank you. Believe me, it was my pleasure. (Now all I need is a human!) Yowza! That was one GOOD LOOKIN' tentacle! When's the show going to start, my inhuman comrade? Just as soon as we get enough humans in the lobby with their tags on. How'd a hot-looking tentacle babe like you get so boring? So, you're ugly AND boring, eh? That's my boy. That's for luck! I should be nice to him. I guess not too many birds bathe in the evening. He's already painted. He looks like a tall, mummified Dr. Fred. No way! He's too heavy. I think I'll need a little more leverage. He doesn't seem interested. Ha! Got ya good, old buddy! I guess he's not interested. That's no way to treat an old friend. It might catch the whole house on fire! It's the one I hung from the roof. I don't think that will do much good at the moment. I don't think that will do much good from here. 'HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant' 'Hard-working drone needed to assist genius with experiments.' 'High school diploma not required.' It's on the other side of the window. Green, are you ok? Tmk m grg uff! Eh? I think he'll be ok here for now. We better not move him. I'm petrified of these things now. No, we have to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_ first. It's already open. I don't want to be locked out. Tampering with the mail is a federal offense. It won't do much good by itself. It's a hole. Shaped like me. I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I'm not throwing anything down there. Ted is red. See red Ted. That would be funny. If only I had the time. That wouldn't be funny. I don't think it'll stay in there while they're chattering. Oooh, no. I might break something. Oooh, no. This is a nice fork. Oooh, no. I hate the sound of teeth biting forks. That's a stupid thing to do with a perfectly good set of chattering teeth. Now, just calm down for a second... Jumpy little sucker. They open and close on their own. They're in as far as they can go. They look dangerous! Looks like they all escaped. No use in doing that, it's empty. Care for a fine smoke? I guess he's trying to quit. I want to save it for maximum comedy potential. Heck, no. It might go off! Almost as dangerous as the real thing. The voice of Oozo in a box. Why would he need a sense of humor in here? You lookin' at me? Are you looking at me? Then who are you looking at, huh? I asked you a question! Okay, clown, that does it! I can't! Oozo's intimidating! I've never gotten over my childhood fear of Oozo. Not with what's left of MY fingernails. I don't think that's the weapon of choice. You think you're so funny... Now, THAT'S funny. Hear me, clown? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about. The-- Some people have no appreciation of the finer things. Hands off, boy! That's a precision-made novelty device! That wouldn't be cool. Besides, he doesn't look very flammable. Hey, it's not a toy. It looks almost real. Hey, put that down! That's not funny. Almost like the real thing. I'd better not. He's still got plenty of ammunition. No, no. It's probably some kind of practical joke. I'm attracted, yet repulsed. There must be a better way. Shut up, kid. This convention is dull enough without you trying to put me to sleep. You didn't expect me to fall for that old gag, did ya? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool this old joker... In fact, I INVENTED disappearing ink. It's covered with unrecognizable, useless junk... ...and a gun. Cleaning this stuff up is someone else's business. It's a grate with some chattering teeth caught in it. Hmmm, air conditioning, I guess. Maybe I got a little carried away. I've hurt Oozo enough. It's bad enough to carry the weight of his death on my conscience. Disgusting. I don't even want to touch that gunk! We don't need any fires in here. Cleaning this up is someone else's job. I hate that clown. Hey, boy, you missed the party! You and the clown were having a party? No, no. Last night!At the novelty goods salesmen's convention! I tell you, we novelty goods salesmen know how to have a good time. Hi there. What can I do for you, kid? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Ameche? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Pardo? Has anyone ever told you look like Donnie Osmond? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Corleone? Has anyone ever told you look like Don Quixote? Has anyone ever told you look like Dante Alighieri? Nice cigars. So where is everybody? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? Gotta run. That's strange. My wife says I look like King Charles the First. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charlie Chaplin. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charlie Parker. That's strange. My wife says I look like the Ghost Pirate LeChuck. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charles DeGaulle. That's strange. My wife says I look like Charles Laughton. I roll them myself. I import them from the finest Cuban munitions factories. Nice? These babies are practically EXPLODING with tobacco goodness! The really big bash was last night. I guess they're all sleeping it off. Now get lost. Battery? I wouldn't know about anything like that. I'm just a novelty goods distributor, specializing in cigars. Now get lost. Ciao, kid. So, want a cigar? So, want another cigar? Now beat it, kid. Sure, lay one of those Havanan babies on me. OK, but only if you promise not to light it this time. Sorry, my mom told me never to smoke. Thought I was going to blow your head off there, didn't ya? Well you were RIGHT! You shouldn't smoke. It's a bad habit. That cracks me up every time. I don't get it. Get lost, kid. Would I do a thing like that? I told you it was a bad habit. Hey, if I listened to my mom, I wouldn't be where I am today! Well, suit yerself, boy. Yikes! Now, just calm down for a second... Jumpy little sucker. Hold still, will ya? Slippery little devil... Come on, I won't hurt you... I can't get hold of it. Missed! What's that strange, hovering saucer-shaped object? Hey, isn't that Albert Einstein? Look, a three-headed monkey! Wow, that guy just won the lottery! That's the second coolest pocket protector I've ever seen! Look, gravity has reversed itself over there! The British are coming! That guy looks like Benjamin Franklin! Get lost, kid. Huh? I don't see anything. Oh, never mind. Hey, kid. Can I help you with something? No. No. I think I'll just see what these chattering teeth are up to. Whew, that was close. sigh No, that would be wrong. It's as far back as it can be. I don't think that would look better white. The time is not white! I'll open it to correct something with it. It's a bottle of correction fluid. There's some correction fluid in it. It's empty. It's closed. Boy, the Edisons are a spectacularly ugly family. I don't want to carry THOSE people around in my wallet. Fred has them neatly arranged on the desk. I don't think there's any hope. There's no point in being mean. Why should I push it? Wow, Dr. Fred's rich. Gee, Dr. Fred doesn't have a penny. I think that's against the law. That wouldn't be nice. Uh, I don't think I better. It's fine where it is. Sleek design, sturdy construction, attractive housing......all in all, a fine phone. It's already red. It's Dr. Fred's desk. That's not necessary. This is no good. It isn't signed. I doubt they'll take it without a stamp. It's no use, we've already missed the deadline. 'The party of the first part...' '...shall hereby be known as... ...a crazed, maniacal genius.' That must be Dr. Fred's contract! It's some kind of legal mumbo-jumbo. Wow! Mailed before the deadline, this would have made Dr. Fred fabulously wealthy. I don't think I can forge Dr. Fred's signature. I need this! That would be fairly counter-productive. Whoa, that'd be a bummer for Fred! The legal language is pretty thick, I doubt if I could fix it. Maybe I could take out all these zeroes! No, I guess I'd better not. I wouldn't know where to start. It's empty. There's a contract in it. It's already open. We need to leave the contract in there so I can get it tomorrow and send it to Hoagie two hundred years ago. I don't know the combination. The safe is closed. The safe is open. I can't push it in any farther. I doubt that'd work. This is a fairly sturdy safe. What somnambulistic disquiet he suffers. I've heard it's not too good to disturb a sleepwalker. I don't think I can with him moving around. I don't know how I'd get it into him. More might kill him! He doesn't look uncomfortable. It's not exactly his size. It won't open any farther. Looks like Doctor Fred wearing a powdered wig. Handsome, in a way... ...but I'm glad he eventually accepted his hair loss. I don't really want it. I could, but it would be wrong. It won't go any further. Fred's in the way. There's a contract in it. Wow! It's from my favorite movie! I have three just like it at home. I'd best not mess with it. Why should I do that? There's probably nothing interesting in it. That kind is too bulky to carry around all day. No, somebody'd probably see me. Let's see, it's 101, 999, 57. I hope no one's watching. I look so goofy on video. Always make sure they get your good side. He almost took my hand off with the door! I can't get the contract. There's nothing in there to dry. There's nothing in there to dry. I like to keep my change sorted. I figure this is about eight hundred seventy-six thousand, six hundred dollars worth of quarters. Except for those Beef Squigglies, I got everything I want out of there. Gee, the candy machine seems to be out of order... I wonder if that has something to do with my bashing it with the crowbar? Mmmm, that buzzing fluorescent light makes the beef jerky look especially attractive. I'd better not, he looks pretty angry. He looks pretty angry. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's open. We're too small to reach the ice machine. It's already closed. It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. No way, there's things in there that look like they've been there for years. Doesn't anyone ever CLEAN this thing? It's pretty darn cold. We're too small to reach the ice machine. We're too small to use the stairs! We're too little! The Honeymoon Suite. We're too little! Room 101 We're too little! Private. I'm sorry to do this to you little fella, but it's for the future of the whole planet. The plans! The plans! Blasted useless paperweight! Always conks out as I'm about to finish them off. Perhaps if I re-adjust the static phrase dynamo again... How can it possibly continue to thwart me? There, I think I've almost got it working. If only the hardware store carried larger batteries. Hmmm... Yipes! Ah HAH! Ah HAH! Uh-oh. Take that! ...and THIS! Drat! Hey! Where'd he go? It comes with a handy applicator. Not funny enough. We're too little! I can't see it very well from here. We're too little! Cutting the phone lines won't help. When you pull the trigger, a humorous flag is propelled out of the barrel on a stick and unfurls. This is one of those novelty guns. It says 'BANG.' Heh heh. Go away, I'm busy moping. I don't think I could get him from here. I've never been so bored in my life. How depressing. I'm afraid I'll see Edna. It's state-of-the-art. I can't see it very well from here. It's already signed. What? Destroy ART!?! My dad has one of these in his den. It might get chewed up by mice! It's pretty small. I can't see it very well from here. I wonder how long this stuff has BEEN here? Things are growing in it. There's already something in there that looks like that. No way, I'm not touching THAT junk. It's useless. No one will ever be interested in my designs. So I'm ending my novelty inventing career right here in this tacky motel. How appropriate. *sigh* I can't even do THIS right... Hi! Please, I'm too depressed to talk. Hi. My name's Bernard. What's yours? You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I like your design ideas! What did you say your job was, again? Gee. You look depressed. Maybe I can help cheer you up! Nice music they pipe in here, eh? Never mind. Never mind. Dwayne. Isn't that depressing? Oh, I can hardly wait. What clued you in, brainiac? The stooped shoulders and long face? The glassy look in your eyes? The gun was a good tip-off. What's wrong? I'm having a crisis here. A WAREHOUSE of anguish. Well, I didn't mean YOU... It's from the 'Elevator Classics' series. It seems like this one tune has been on all day. I've never been so depressed in my life. 'Super-battery?' That sounds even worse than the things I come up with. I'm a novelty goods designer by trade. I've come up with some fabulous ideas. The exploding lollipop, itching powder gum, and reverse 3-D glasses, to name a few. The problem is, no one likes my designs. I send them all over the world, and no one responds. I just wish someone would say they liked one, just once. Oh, woe is me. Why don't you try whistling a happy tune? Maybe some calisthenics would help. Let's discuss philosophy! OK, maybe I can't cheer you up. OK, maybe I can't cheer you up. I invented a whistle that turned your lips green. Nobody liked it. *sigh* Last time I tried calisthenics I ruptured my spleen. *sigh* Ok, here's my philosophy: Life is completely pointless, especially mine. Don't worry about it, I'd only get depressed again. Why do you say that? Nietzsche had some interesting ideas along those lines. Would you say that existence constitutes purpose? Have you read Camus? Ok, maybe I can't cheer you up. Oh, who cares. Philosophers are all failures like me who couldn't make it in a real profession. Poor me. Poor, poor me. And I thought glow-in-the-dark fake doo-doo was such a GOOD idea. *sigh* I don't understand what was wrong with exploding catnip. I'm just a failure... Hey, there's a letter here for you. For me?? Probably another rejection slip. Oh, well. 'You're brilliant. What a novel design. Come to Baltimore at once.' It only takes dimes. 'Up too late? Try a FickleFingers fate.' 'Stick in a dime and you'll have a good time.' Fatty's in the way, now. I'd better find a different one. Sleek design, sturdy construction, attractive housing... ...all in all, a fine phone. We're too little! He's still making his pitch. TV is my best friend! No good, I can't knock it over. Hi there! Now, that's a heavy sleeper. No WAY! I can't move him an inch. Hey! Wake up! I'm being funny! Well, it gets ME up in the morning. I don't think he's interested. Oh, it's just not the same, somehow. I can't move him, he's too big. It WOULD look like an accident... ...maybe later. He won't budge. I think his belly-button is acting like a suction cup. Ahem... Late night? Do you ever inhale flies when you snore like that? Are you interested in particle physics? Oh, never mind. I'm trying to save the world from a nasty tentacle. You haven't seen any plans for a super-battery around, have you? I'm still worried about that guy in the next room. What's with that guy in the next room? Nice room you've got here. I had an uncle who snored as loud as you do. Well, thanks. You've been really helpful. Well, never mind. Well, never mind. Well, thanks, you've been really helpful. The steel works next door complained about the noise. He lived in California until he was declared an earthquake hazard. Once he inhaled a pillow. I'd better be going now. It reminds me of the greeting card store I used to work at. It reminds me of a pack of cards I was very fond of. Where on Earth do you BUY furnishings this color? I'd better be going now. I know over four hundred ways to play solitaire. I spent a lot of time with those cards. I cried the day my dog Spiffy ate all the face cards. I'd better be going now. Nah, didn't think so. I wonder where Dr. Fred could have put them? I'll bet they're someplace obvious. Oh, well. What do you do to cheer up a failed novelty designer? You'd think that picture of dogs playing poker in his room would make him happy. Oh, well. Ice cream usually brightens me right up. Maybe he'd like to discuss theoretical valence analysis. He'd probably be happier if someone LIKED one of his designs. Oh, well. That's right, an incredible four-thousand carat diamond... ...for the piddling sum of two million dollars. This beauuutiful four-thousand carat diamond can be yours today... ...for the special rock-bottom introductory price of two million dollars. The number to call is 1-800-STAR-WARS. Don't miss this amazing once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That number again, 1-800-STAR-WARS. Call now, tell 'em Yoda sent you! Powerful-looking speaker. No, the stereo would fall. It's too heavy. It's way too high. It looks too heavy for me to pick up. Get away from that. I can't use a videotape with that! It's got Fred opening the safe on it. There's no label. It's probably blank. That might mess up the tape. Good thing he didn't drink that stuff. He's my friend! I don't think a disguise will help much. There aren't too many tentacles around. Hey, you're pretty funny, Bernard. Well, people do tell me that, actually. How about some coffee, Green? No thanks Bernard, can't stand the stuff. Whoa, Bernard, get a life! No offense, man, but that stuff is BORING! Uh-oh, this looks like it might work... I don't need to take over the world. It's a bit late for that. It's too high to reach! Whew. WOW! This is LOUD! It's pushed in. It's sticking out. Hmmm. Plenty of wattage in this stereo... ...I can't wait to try my eight-tracks in it. It's already closed. We're too little! We're too little! Nah. I'll push it. Nah. It's much too heavy! No time for that now. I wouldn't want to break it before tomorrow. Great speakers! Hoagie would really love these. It might get chewed up by mice! It's pretty small. Oops, maybe I shouldn't have pushed it. It's too heavy for me to pick up. Hey! What? I can't hear you! What's up, Bernard? You haven't seen Dr. Fred's plans for a super-battery around, have you? What do you suppose Purple's up to now? Wanna help me save the world? I really like the name 'Sushi Batter'. How's your new band doing? Why the litterbox? Have you got a cat? How does a tentacle sit in a beanbag chair? Can you actually use that bowling ball? Uh... Not much, actually. Still saving the world and all that. Oh, well, good luck then. Well, see you later, Green. See you later. No, just these world domination plans of Purple's. Any of Fred's plans would probably be in his office or the lab. Well, he wants to take over the world, so I figure he's up to something devious. Conducting cryogenic experiments on small animals? Designing a miniaturization ray? Pushing old ladies down the stairs? I wouldn't doubt it, but I was thinking more along the lines of... ...POLITICS! I'm afraid to leave the room. In fact, I don't think I can even move from this spot! Purple scares the daylights out of me! Yeah. Good luck saving the world, B-man. Green T and the Sushi Platter? We're doing great! We've decided to really capitalize on our strongest quality as a band. Intoxicating three-part vocal harmony? Provocative lyrical content? Carefully crafted melody and distinctive counterpoint? Really? Which quality is that? Volume, man, volume! We have a chance to win a GRIMY award as the loudest new band. We're pulling out all the stops. You mean Green T and the Sushi Platter? Thanks, that means a lot. Don't ask. Oh, that part's easy. It's getting back OUT of it that's hard. No, Purple brought that in here after he grew arms. He got really discouraged though, because he doesn't have FINGERS. Weren't you looking for a new guitarist a while back? Are you working on an album? Have you gotten any airplay? That's great. That's great. Yes, but we decided to go with a guy who plays power tools instead. We can generate a lot more sound that way. Yeah, we're doing a CD called 'Rap on the Forehead.' I've got a few tracks hooked up through the stereo, if you want to hear them. No, we're a little too experimental for most radio stations. But we have a huge following in the club scene. Yeah. Green! Bernard! What are you doing up here? Well, I couldn't stop Purple, and he's going to go out and conquer the world, and I'm afraid of what he'll do if he catches me, if Dr. Fred doesn't find me first. Uh... Does that answer your question? Yeah. It's already closed. Purple tentacle might lock me in if I close it. I don't want to get trapped up here! It's already open. It leads down to the landing. Amazing coincidence, them wearing the exact same suit to work today. Why bother? Everyone knows you can't fight the I.R.S. Thanks, but, as you can see, we're sort of busy. I can't believe what a mess these records are. Mm. Is that a W-390/B Frivolous Spending Report? No, it's another 561-AB Negative Attention Statement. Ah. Did you say you have a PP-41 Facilities Paraphernalia Declaration over there? Nope. Good thing we've got Dr. Fred under wraps in the next room, eh? All that red tape ought to keep him busy. Dr. Fred hasn't made any noise in a while. Why don't you check on him? Why don't YOU do it? How do you suppose the Dodgers are doing? Well, their win/loss ratio is 28 percent below normal... ...however, the successful slide margin is actually up 3 points since May. I've noticed that they seem to do well with a man on first after a fly ball when the opposing pitcher is left-handed and wearing a green hat. Fascinating. What did you say your wife's name was again? Sandy. Oh yeah. Say, what's the filing date for a BFD-206/ZZ Insufficient Credit Applications Form? You have until midnight on the twelfth working day past the first full moon after the end of your fiscal year. However, you can extend the date by filing an RPM-78 Waning Interest Extension anytime before the close of business on the second Tuesday after the first Friday in March. And of course, if you're married, you'd also have to file the K-7209 Statement of Joint Intentions and declare any mutual gift expenditures. Oh yeah, that's right. What is it? Uh... Never mind. Are you guys brothers? What have you done with Dr. Fred? Who's your tailor? I'll just be moseying along. I'll just be moseying along. At the IRS, we're all brothers. We've got him safely locked in the next room while we go over his books. No, you can't go in and see him. And don't even think about staging some kind of rescue. Very funny. Keep your nose clean, kid. The old disappearing ink gag, eh? Very amusing. I tried that on my boss once. Oh? What happened? He got sent here. Boy, that's even more boring than a PS-967-J form. Yeah, shut up. Dr. Fred and Dead Cousin Ted are both in there. Dr. Fred's lying on the bed, wrapped in red tape. There doesn't seem to be anything dangerous in there. That won't do any good. Naa. Seems to have a high tensile strength. It won't all fit in the Chron-O-John at once. Nothing happened. Whoopee. He's all wrapped in red tape. No time for fun now! I've got to get him out of here! Dr. Fred? Must still be asleep. He's red enough as it is. I don't think there's enough in the bottle to cover him. I might hurt him! I don't think he could hear me reading. He's already pretty tied up with it. I just got him UNtied. He looks comfortable where he is. I just got him UP here. He's already painted. I hope he's comfortable. I wouldn't know where to put him. I like him the color he is. I doubt this amount could cover him. Yeeks, who knows what I'd find in there? I guess he's not interested. He looks comfortable where he is. I just got him UP here. I think he's red enough as it is. I think I'll leave him right where he is. Those IRS guys will never know the difference. It's not exactly the Ritz... I wouldn't want to strain myself. No time for that now, this is a rescue! No time for that now, I'm saving the world from Purple Tentacle! Wow, he's still asleep. No time for fun now, I've got to get him out of here! That didn't do much. I can't carry him. It's tied to him already. Good, sturdy stuff. I'm not sure it's long enough as it is. It won't do much good from this end. There is nothing attached to it. It won't go any further. I can see the roof and some Christmas lights. It's already open. It's stuck. I don't want to close it THAT badly. Not with those IRS guys hanging around. Ah, there you are. What are you doing down there? Fun and games, Doctor? On the floor again, eh? Very funny. Oh, by the way... ...capital gains taxes apply even if you spell your name in lower case on the form. Don't try anything sneaky. I can see this bed through the peephole, you know. There's no escape from the IRS. Just lie there and take it like a man. Uh-oh. Hey! Where'd he go? Uh-oh. Hmm. Thought I heard something. Everything OK in there? Well, try to keep it down, OK? Hey! Who's this, Doc? Relative? Well, I'm sure we can audit him next. This isn't a party. There're some IRS guys in the next room. I bet there are better decorated rooms in prison. Hmmm, a handle attached to a rotating shaft which transmits and modifies rotary motion and torque. These things agitate me for some reason. Alright, a crank! A shaft is normally attached here to supply a rotary motive force which is transmitted up the pole. It's a primitive but useful venting device which prevents injury due to harmful smoke inhalation. What on earth am I going to do with a flag pole? Sounds like fun, but I've got work to do. There's no flag on it now because it's evening. It won't fit through those little grommets. Nah, not right now. The weave is quite fascinating, actually, a reverse double overlap which makes for phenomenal strength. What for? It's already open. It's stuck. I'm not that desperate to close it. I can see Dr. Fred in there. Not much to see in there. Wow! A pulley! By using a combination of flexible materials and a wheel, one may gain mechanical advantage by changing the direction of motion and the applied force. I don't think it needs it. Oooh, what keen Christmas lights! 'Welcome, Novelty Goods Convention!' It's locked. I can't. It's stuck. It's already closed. Gosh, why don't I just use the OTHER window? Well, don't you just look good enough to eat? We need a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe. You're going to get really chafed hands doing that. Whoa, you're like George Washington! How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Never mind. I couldn't help noticing you ranting. Say, you look kind of familiar... He's frozen solid! I doubt if he'd notice. He's frozen stiff. I might hurt him. This job requires something more high-tech. Hmm, looks like there's some kind of rodent down there. That ice looks incredibly old. It's closed. It's already open. It's already closed. I could make a winesicle, but I'd never get it out of the bottle. 'F' 'R' 'W' Must be some sort of code. It looks securely fastened. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. Heh. Stupid tentacle. If I iced the old guy, they'd just throw me back in the slammer. He looks a little older than I remember. Not wise. According to these, the tentacles control most of the world already. (I'd like to gum up his plans, but this is not the way.) I don't want to disturb anything with Santa Claus over there eyeballing me. I wonder how it can float in mid-air like that? At least he hasn't conquered Antarctica, yet. Heh heh heh Chuckle chuckle Heh Hmmmm Ah! My secret weapon is almost ready! BWAH HAH HAH! Do you mind? You're disrupting my concentration. Hi! Eh? Oh, it's you. Great Scott! You're Purple-- --ahh, ahem. Yes? Well, don't you just look good enough to eat? I couldn't help noticing you ranting. Say, you look kind of familiar... What's that supposed to mean? You're not a human sympathizer, are you? Not ranting, PLOTTING! You WERE just in here a little while ago... Of course I do, nitwit! I'm Purple Tentacle, renowned world conqueror. Me? No way. I think humans are the vilest creatures on the planet. Why, yes, I'm a firm believer in human rights. I think I'd better be going now. Good. You had me worried. That's the spirit! HAHAHAHAHA! I'd almost think you were serious! Yes, leave me to my ingenious plans. You know, I'm working on a way to get rid of the humans once and for all! Tell me more about this shrinking ray of yours. So what are you plotting? What are you ranting about? Just exactly how WELL did you know Dr. Fred? Are you the same Purple Tentacle who knew Dr. Fred? Say, you look kind of familiar... If you'll excuse me, I've got something in the oven. Look, I'm very busy with my ray gun, so please leave me alone. If you'll excuse me, I've got something in the oven. I'm building a SHRINKING ray, which I can use to shrink those pesky humans out of my sight for good! Up on your ancient history, are you? Yes, I remember that insignificant insect. Anyone I know? Heh. I call it the DIMINUATOR. The biggest problem left is to design a trigger that doesn't require FINGERS. I don't need your paltry offerings. He might clap me in irons if I do that. That trick has got to be older than I am. Don't torment me, I'm a powerful tentacle. I could have you served on a bed of rice. 'kay. He was scratching his back on the fence, I think. Can't get close to him. What a shabby paint job. I wouldn't know where to start. I think it looks beautiful just the way it is. I think it's nicer white. Gee, I hope that's not lead-based paint. I can't get to it up there. I don't think I could get him from here. Somehow I don't think that will get him down. Well, hello yourself! EEEUUCH! The grass! Use the grass! Disgusting human! Hi! You haven't seen a gangly human around, have you? Err, no. Hmm. Looks bored. I'm afraid he'd overpower me. Please, I'm bored enough already. I like what they've done with the place. I don't think there's enough to cover the whole thing. Yoo-hoo! Mr. Tentacle Guy! It's about time! Oooh, a skunk. How frightening! This doesn't seem like the best place to start a panic. He doesn't need a touch up. What, and ruin all that hard work? Maybe later. He's not even cooked. It's hard enough to hold on to him as it is. This oughta be good. Well, what do we have here? Looks like a prosthetic rodent! Another specimen! Yum yum! Scrumptious vermin! It's as if he'd rather scratch himself than play with this adorable rodent! That'll be one cool flag. Stars and stripes. Dull, dull, dull. Hey, don't criticize unless you've got a better idea! Gosh, I would never want to mess with history. I don't know much about design. Back off or get stitched! My grandma had one like that. Get that away from me! I'm busy! Put it on the table! She looks busy. Hey, Ms. Ross! Mizz? No, a direct hit, actually. I've never understood you founding fathers. Stop! You're making me drowsy! Can't you see I'm operating heavy machinery? Sorry. That would make a killer t-shirt. I don't want it. You're all so hard to please. Naah. I like these. Too late! You've already rejected those! I don't want them. I know that already. Nice day outside. What are you talking about? Can't you hear that storm coming? Sorry. No time for small talk. The bed's in the way. Looks comfortable. I couldn't sleep in here with all the racket. Who asked you to? It looks cozy enough as it is. That wouldn't be polite. I told you guys, I'll get to the flag NEXT! I'm working as fast as I can! Hey, chill. Take your time. DON'T tell me you've got another design change for the flag! I've got another design change for the flag. I knew it. Could it have a chrome-plated bald eagle robot on it? How about a skull with, like, scorpions in its mouth? It should have a hologram on it somewhere. We need a babe in a leather bikini, swinging a broadaxe. Oh, what the heck! At this point, I'd do ANYTHING, just to have it over with. Put the pattern on the table and I'll look at it when I'm done with this job. The guys downstairs say they want a big family crest... ...and in the four corners, they want a keg, some babes, a guitar, and some drum sticks... ...and underneath it all put, 'America ROCKS!' What if it had the face of the Devil on it, with like red, white and blue flames coming out of his mouth? Let's make it just like the British flag, but upside-down to cheese them off. We could have this babe, like a waitress... and she's carrying this red, white, and blue cherry pie... How 'bout a big old picture of ME? Make it just like you were going to, but put in flying-V guitars instead of stars. Let's just have a picture of a guy carrying a bundle of sticks, and not name the country anything at all. Two words: totally black. Okay, instead of fifty stars, let's have one of those reclining silver babes. Like truckers have on their mud flaps. Why don't we put a crossword puzzle on it, so you have something to do waiting in line at the post office? George wants the flag to be a pair of boxer shorts covered with little red valentines. If you embroidered the order of poker hands in the corner, people would forget them less. Just put the plans on the table and I'll get to it! Ultra-modern design. I don't think I'm strong enough to move it. It's as open as it gets. There's nothing to close. No way could I reach that. It's stuck. No, I mean it's really STUCK. Like adventure-game stuck. Maybe I should just use my hands, delicate and valuable as they are. These things agitate me for some reason. What it needs is a crank. The crank attaches to it. The crank is missing. Looks pretty old. The pulley is broken. Irreparable. A complete waste of time. It needs more than lubrication. I doubt it will ever work again. It's even heavier than it looks. Desecrate the American flag? NEVER! This would clog it up. I don't think that will do much good. One size fits all. Just the regular old flag. Anybody wanna buy a flag? Why would I want to get through there anyway? It's a two-story drop to the showroom floor! There's no way to open it. It's already closed. The showroom is empty now. I can see the human show from here. That's where they're having the human show. Looks like they're getting ready for some kind of show or something. I don't see anything. I wonder what idiot started the fire? I wonder if they've put the fire out yet? I hope we can get back to work soon. I bet this never happens to Tom Paine. Wasn't Ben Franklin talking about starting some sort of 'Fire Department'? I hope everyone's OK. Hey, Founding Father. Not now, son, can't you see we're in the middle of a crisis here? Yo, Penmaster. I'm afraid we're a little busy right now. Umm, excuse me. Leave me alone. I'm too depressed to talk. It's the breast pocket from the lab coat. That's the thing I'm supposed to push, I think. The water is all sudsy now. There's no water. There's a little bit of soap on it, but not enough to clean anything. Old-fashioned lye in a new, more convenient size. That's not what I'd call a lot of cleaning supplies. No way, I'd be busted for sure! 'The late Max Attucks.' 'His petard runneth over.' A lamentable fate for such a patriotic dude. He's hung well the way he is. Heh heh. No way, man, I don't mess with portraits of dead dudes. These'd look better on velvet. They're straight already. No way, dude. This is ART. Ah HA! Get away from that! It's a good thing I finished in there quickly... Now, SCRAM! ...they just don't make founding fathers like they used to... I don't think it'll fit through. Where am I gonna put it? I doubt there's any money in it. Very spartan. I think it's got enough blankets. It's already closed. It's closed. It's already open. It goes down to the landing. It looks dangerous. Maybe I should stay up here. It's closed. I can see the roof right outside. Mangy flea-bitten rat-batting mouse-muncher. What a pretty pussycat. I wouldn't want him to squirt me back. I don't do cruelty to animals. No matter how vicious. Use it for what? No way! It was hard to get it! Thermodynamic flux induction circuit design is-- Cats love things like this. Cats dig these. Oh, I love these! I think not. Why? YIPE! I'd rather save that until he's ready to be judged. That would look good, but what's the occasion? They could use a little cleaning. Wow, these are huge! These are almost as gross as my friend Eddie's teeth, and he eats raw sewage on stage. I don't think I want this. I don't want to touch it. Yoohoo! For what? More of that might kill him! A horse is a horse of course. He seems kind of highbrow for that joke. A horse wouldn't get that joke. *ahem* 'The LALR compiler is constructed by the following method...' First develop a rigorous elective grammar. If the elements have NP-completeness, the Krungie factor can be ignored. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah-- Whoa. Errr... Hi, horsey. Hi yourself! Hi. I'm trying to get back to the future and save the world. Wow, you can talk! I didn't think horses could talk. Is this some kind of a trick? Did I mention how great your teeth look? Nice teeth. What's a nice horse like you doing in a place like this? Well, I gotta go. Hi there. Still trying to get back to the future? *snicker* Laughed at by a horse. Whoa. I gotta go. Wow, so can you! What a coincidence! Thanks again. Thanks. I paid quite a bit for them. Hey, I LIVE here. What are YOU doing here? See you later. Maybe they just never had anything to say to you. Ever think of that? You mean horses have been snubbing me my whole life? If you want to put it that way. I don't do magic. I'm just a horse. The future, eh? And I thought that FRANKLIN guy was off his nut. Ick. It looks like someone's dentures were in here. Hey, I've got to put them somewhere. The horse soaks his dentures in here. I guess this is George Washington's bed. It's all rumpled up. Don't touch that! I'm trying to straighten up! It looks warm enough as it is. I'm a roadie. I can mess up a room WITHOUT a knife. Wheee! It rings for the maid to come straighten the room. I bet it calls the butler, just like on TV. I'm working as fast as I can! Here I am. Don't get your curls in an uproar. Excuse me, Mr. Washington. Boy, what a mess. All done here, bye now. Hey, lady. Please, I'm very busy. Yes, Mr. Washington? This isn't my room. No, really, I'm not Washington. OK, you're right, I AM Washington. My name's not Washington, it's Hoagie. Don't you have any cleaning supplies? Do you know where I could find Red Edison? I'll let you get back to your work. Hah! That's funny, Mr. Washington. Imagine, being named after a sandwich. You're George Washington. Occupation: founding father. It says so in the register. Well, you've certainly messed it up as though it were. It's no use trying to fool me, Mr. Washington. I knew it! Yes, there's a lot to be done. Like most maids, I keep them on my cart. In the hall. He's probably in the basement workshop again. He's always tinkering with some invention instead of running the inn as he ought. She's a broad target, but she's movin' fast. She's a cleaning dynamo! No chance. I don't think that's wise. Hey, baby. I'm not a baby. Faith, that's boring. I'd best go lie down. No way. Well, it's better than it used to be... ...but it still lacks... control. No, I might hurt him. No, I might get sauce on it. Get it? That's the spirit, Mr. Mummy! Gosh, we gotta pick you up a sense of humor somewhere. That would get us disqualified! Gum chewing is not behavior fitting for a beauty queen. I could never do that to someone as shy and sensitive as my friend here! Well... He's got an impressive smile... He's got no smile to speak of... ...a nice, hearty laugh... ...absolutely no laugh... ...and he's lots of hair, but there's no STYLE to it. ...and luscious, stylish hair. ...and he's bald as a cue ball. In other words, not a chance in hell. Pretty darn good for a mummy. He already has teeth. Take that, mummy. He's a good friend, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. Oh, I never get tired of that one, you witty tentacle! What a pretty-boy. Why, thank you. Trying to put us all to sleep so you can steal the contest, eh? I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. Howdy. Oh, look... red, white, and blue... Is that look coming back in again? Howdy, Harold. HOW-dee, I'm sure. Oh, please! Why must you pester me? Hee hee. Liked that one, did ya? They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. Nice smile. Oh yeah? Look at this one... Ha! I've seen better smiles on a horse! Jealous. They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I don't think this guy has much of a chance. None of them do--against me that is. I think he got it. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. That guy doesn't look like he'd be into this. Hee hee. C'mon! Say something! They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. This one's very tense. It's hard to relax when you know you're about to lose. Nice outfit. Hi. I'm Laverne. Pre-med. Don't you think these things are just big popularity contests? So... what's your talent? My human's going to win. You might as well drop out. So, what tick bath does your owner prefer? Where can I place a bet? I'm planning a jail break. Be ready. Are you for sale? Sit. Don't bother... ...you'll just get bit like the rest of them. ...their humans told them not to talk to strange tentacles. ...they're not here for their intelligence. ...they're saving their energy for the judges. ...you might over-stimulate their little brains. Stop chattering, mummy! The judges will think you're chewing gum! And that sound is giving me a headache! Oh, this will never work. OH! HAROLD! That's gross! What are you babbling about? You really should have told the JUDGES... ...if you WEREN'T FEELING WELL. Oh, ick! Now, how did that mess get there? I think I'm going to be sick! Someone in here not feeling well? I WAS feeling fine... ...until I saw that. Is that your regurgitation? No! I'm a healthy human! Didn't you just say you thought you were going to be sick? That's just a figure of speech-- Do you realize you could have infected the whole show with human influenza? But I just... got... all... my... shots! You're a good-looking human, Harold, but you know the rules. You're out of the show. What a mess. I hate cleaning up after humans. I can't. It's behind the glass. Heck no. I want to keep it in good condition. `Dinner for two at Club Tentacle!` Dang, it says tentacles only! No, this has to be special. I can't. It's behind the glass. It's shiny enough already. Now, why would I want to damage this lovely, useless trophy? Oooh. I can't, they're behind the glass. Ahhh. They seem to be deliberating very intensely. I don't think that'll help us win. Man, you could really bore somebody to sleep with that! It's closed. I'm guessing it conceals the entrance to a secret lab. And get some gnarly Egyptian curse? No way. Cool. The room clerk's a mummy. Besides, I might get caught. I guess he's not interested. It's the kind they have at the movies. It looks too heavy. No, that was a different game. Which reminds me... How did I get roped into this? It looks quite happy where it is. It's red enough. Don't you think that's funny? Laugh, darn you, LAUGH! Okay, then... What happened to your sense of humor, old pal? No. He looks tired after all he's done. He's as far back as he's going to go. I don't want to disturb him. He's too heavy to carry. He looks ready to boogie down. He looks like a beauty queen. That's how we say, `Hi` where I come from. ...Mr. Mummy. He's too heavy to carry. He's too heavy to drag. What an interesting mannequin. I think he's more attractive in natural tones. That's very tempting... ...but I wouldn't want to hurt him. I wouldn't want to hurt him. It's not quite his size. He's so peaceful looking, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. It's a nice, long, heavy-duty one. I don't want to plug that in. That would both ruin the cord AND be very dangerous. It's that guy from the Hawaiian cop show. Bernard might like it, but it's way too tacky for me. I don't even feel like touching it. Classy. Not my style. Take that, you vulgar lawn ornament! I don't think it wants to come with me. I'm not THAT crazy. Very tempting, but I'm no vandal. Groovy. No way. Those things are dangerous. Comfy. No time to relax. I'm trying to save the world. It looks too heavy to move. Then it wouldn't be comfy anymore. It opens automatically. It closes automatically. That wouldn't be too useful. I almost killed myself on a pair of those once. Wheee. It's a nice, long, heavy-duty one. I don't want to plug that in. That would both ruin the cord AND be very dangerous. That's quite a tutu you've got there. Where is your owner? Is your hair naturally blue? What are you... uh... guys waiting for? Later, dude. Great hat, man. How's the mad scientist biz? Has anyone ever told you you're a very snappy dresser? Hey, hold that thought. I gotta boogie. I can't. It's behind the glass. Heck no. I want to keep it in good condition. `Dinner for two at Club Tentacle! Dang, it says tentacles only! No, this has to be special. I can't. It's behind the glass. It's shiny enough already. Now, why would I want to damage this lovely, useless trophy? Oooh. I can't, they're behind the glass. Ahhh. They seem to be deliberating very intensely. I don't think that'll help us win. Man, you could really bore somebody to sleep with that! Speaking of sleep, guess who you-know-who's sleeping with now... Go ahead. We don't mind. We judges are used to being spit on. Oh, how the impartial suffer. If HE can be a doctor, then I'll have no trouble. He's of no use to me. I doubt he could get me into med school. I'm not that desperate. No, he's probably got one too. I'd better stay on his good side. He can probably disqualify people. Get that book out of my face, would you? Sorry. Please leave all fluid samples with the nurse... Doctor! What is it? Is someone sick? We can't have sick humans in the show! Well, uh... I examined them all myself! They're all perfectly healthy-looking to me... ...except for the dead one... Now leave me alone! ...and so I said to her, `That's NOT my suction cup!` Ha ha ha! You think THAT'S funny, listen to this... Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Hair? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Hair again? Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Smile? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Smile again? Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Laugh? Hey, don't you think you should judge Best Laugh again? Hey, anybody care for a bribe? Keep up the good work, you judges you. What do you think we are? HUMAN? Ha ha ha! Human! Ha ha ha. ******************************************************************* Why would he need a sense of humor in here? It's already full. Hmmm. I don't know. It's powerful stuff. I might slosh it all over his face! Never mix, never worry! That kind of work's best left to waitresses. Hmmm. I don't know. It's powerful stuff. I think I could lubricate my car with this stuff. Decaf wouldn't help there. Hmmm, brown water. This fork couldn't pop a spit bubble, let alone a tough clown like Oozo. Actually, I'd call this more of a `threek.` My, what a big coffee maker. It's already perking away! No. Appliances are our friends. `THE DUKE` memorial brand microwave. I'm not touching it. These models have a history of leakage. Hands off, boy! That's a precision-made novelty device! That wouldn't be cool. Besides, he doesn't look very flammable. Hey, it's not a toy. It looks almost real. What's with the canary over the fireplace? Nice painting of a turkey, dude. Sorry, my mom told me never to smoke. Why do you have such a large signature? I gotta go. Feeling better now that there's a fire? Never mind. Hi there. Hello. Feeling better now that there's a fire? I have a question about the canary. What's with the canary over the fireplace? I've been wondering about your crucial national bird decision... Nice painting of a turkey, dude. Why do you have such a large signature? Well, gotta go. I gotta go. Oh, that's an early warning system. It's quite ingenious. The canary is trained to ring the bell madly the minute it smells smoke. Then we know the building's on fire and we run like crazy! Who thought of it? Why doesn't the fire in the fireplace set it off? Who feeds the canary? I see. I see. I gotta go. It was invented by Red Edison, the owner of the inn. I assume it's because all the smoke goes up and out the chimney. Actually, no one does, it's a self-feeding canary. It's specially bred with some kind of nutrient-producing bacteria in its gizzard. It's quite a time saver. I expect everyone will have them in the future. Amazing, isn't it? Goodbye. I'm glad you think so. The choosing of the national bird is on our agenda for the convention. And you want it to be the turkey? I thought the national bird was the eagle or something. What about the national theme song and stuff? Well, yes, but I'm afraid I may lose out. It may well turn out to be just that. First things first. We have to resolve the deadlock on the bird issue. You see, there are two schools of thought on the matter. Ben Franklin and I are in favor of the turkey, whereas Jefferson and Washington for some reason want the eagle. But Franklin's always outside playing with his ridiculous toys instead of here where he belongs, so it becomes two against one. Yes? A friend once told me that women go crazy over guys with a big signature. Goodbye. What is it? Much better, thank you. My teeth were grinding into a fine powder, and that blanket was really making me itch. What's so great about the turkey? What's wrong with the eagle? Don't you guys have anything better to do? I see. I see. I gotta go. They've helped us to survive since we set foot on this continent. They're symbolic of prosperity and the thanks we give for our lives here. Besides, they're kind of cute. Well, it's a bird of prey, for one thing. I don't think that's an appropriate symbol for our country. Such as what? Errr... Establish domestic freedoms? Figure out what to do about the national debt? Never mind. There, you see? Come on, this is IMPORTANT stuff. Debt? This is a PROSPEROUS country! We don't have a DEBT. There, you see? Good. Goodbye. Well, I gotta go, dude. *ahem* BOY, IT'S SURE QUIET IN HERE. I WONDER IF THERE MIGHT BE ANY IDEAS WORTH DISCUSSING IN THE SUGGESTION BOX? MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD TAKE A LOOK. I say, lads, I have an idea. D-d-does it have anything to do with starting a f-f-fire? Harassing Betsy with arbitrary flag design changes is getting dull. Besides, last time she threatened to stitch me. No. I was thinking it's about time we opened the suggestion box. Don't you agree? S-sure George. If you s-s-say so. Sure, George. If you say so. Yes, whatever you think is fine with us. Excellent! What's he th-thinking? N-n-no one of any importance has b-been here all day. What c-c-could be in the s-suggestion box? What's he thinking? No one of any importance has been here all day. What could be in the suggestion box? Perhaps he intends to suggest something himself. Oh. Ah, here's a suggestion. It says: `George says that every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement!` What do you think, gentlemen? Um... ...whatever you say, George. Your n-name's on it...I'm sure you m-m-must have a good reason f-for suggesting it. Your name's on it...I'm sure you must have a good reason for suggesting it. Yes... It's strange... ...I don't quite... ...well, I'm sure I had a reason for it. If there are no objections, we shall add it to the constitution immediately! No? Good! And so shall it be law. What's a `vacuum cleaner`? It's got a picture of a guy on a horse. Hmmm... A 1778 pony express general delivery stamp... Not too valuable... ...but it is uncanceled. I love the way these taste. Take that, stamp. I might want to use it. Eew, it's soaking wet! I can almost get it now, but lard-o is lying on the sleeve. I can't pick it up. That guy is lying on it. Wrong size. My grandma gave me one like this for my birthday. I don't have anything against this phone. I'm not so sure that's a good idea. He looks like he's in a hurry. Here, perhaps these are your keys. He doesn't need this anymore. I doubt he'd be interested. He could easily overpower me. Hey, that's friggin' hilarious. Why don't you go show your mamma now, cuz I'm busy! Would you like some coffee? No thanks. I need steady hands in my line of work. What line of work is that? Uh... brain surgery. Man! Guess you don't need sleeping pills if you've got THAT around. Now go away, kid, you bother me. Someone wrote `WASH ME` in the dust. Some people think that washing one's vehicle will make it rain. Oh? Uh-huh. How about that. Oh, I could never do that. It's really dirty. I think it's locked. It's not my car. I would, but it would only rain. I don't think that would help. It didn't work for the other guy. Why should it work for me? I'm no vandal. I think they filmed `Motel Slasher 3` here. That would take a bit more time and paint than I've got. It WOULD be an improvement. It's empty. It's already open. It's stuck. I think he broke it. It's a bit late for that. It must be one of these. Drat. Maybe this one. What sort of person would carry around this many keys? Where? Gimme! Hey, thanks pal. Keep the crowbar. Thank you, masked man. Hi! Don't sneak up on me like that! Say, I'm kind of busy... What are you up to? I don't see your keys in the car. If you're locked out, why break into the TRUNK? Here, perhaps these are your keys. Nice crowbar! See you later. Er, I, uh... I locked my keys in the car. Thanks. Don't even think about asking to use it. I need it. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Um, actually, I lost them somewhere. I, uh, have a spare set of keys in there. Hi! Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry, so kindly beat it. Nice crowbar. Thanks. Hey, do you mind? I'm using this. I guess not too many birds bathe in the evening. He's already painted. He looks like a tall, mummified Dr. Fred. No way! He's too heavy. I think I'll need a little more leverage. He doesn't seem interested. Ha! Got ya good, old buddy! I guess he's not interested. That's no way to treat an old friend. It might catch the whole house on fire! It's the one I hung from the roof. I don't think that will do much good at the moment. I don't think that will do much good from here. `HELP WANTED: Lab Assistant` `Hard-working drone needed to assist genius with experiments.` `High school diploma not required.` It's on the other side of the window. Green, are you ok? Tmk m grg uff! Eh? I think he'll be ok here for now. We better not move him. I'm petrified of these things now. No, we have to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic first. It's already open. I don't want to be locked out. It's empty. It's closed. Tampering with the mail is a federal offense. It won't do much good by itself. It's a hole. Shaped like me. I'm not proud of it. But there it is. I'm not throwing anything down there. Ted is red. See red Ted. Hey, I just flew in from Baltimore... ...and boy are my suction cups tired! Ha ha ha! A classic. I know: Why did the human cross the road? Because his tentacle owner told him to! Ha ha ha! I got one: How can you tell a human from a sack of flour? Drop them both off a tall building, and the human will bounce! Ha! It's funny because it's true! Here's one: How many tentacles does it take to change a light bulb? None! That's the sort of tedious labor humans are for! Heh heh heh. Good one! Okay, A fat human and an athletic human simultaneously slip on a sucker print and fall in a river. Which one will swim to shore first? Neither! Humans are too dumb to swim! Ha ha ha! A classic. I got one: A blonde male human and a brunette female human jump out of an airplane without parachutes... Which one will survive? Who cares!?! Ha! I can relate to that one! Well, it's better than it used to be... ...but it still lacks... control. No, I might hurt him. No, I might get sauce on it. Get it? That's the spirit, Mr. Mummy! Gosh, we gotta pick you up a sense of humor somewhere. That would get us disqualified! Gum chewing is not behavior fitting for a beauty queen. I could never do that to someone as shy and sensitive as my friend here! Well... He's got an impressive smile... He's got no smile to speak of... ...a nice, hearty laugh... ...absolutely no laugh... ...and he's lots of hair, but there's no STYLE to it. ...and luscious, stylish hair. ...and he's bald as a cue ball. In other words, not a chance in hell. Pretty darn good for a mummy. He already has teeth. Take that, mummy. He's a good friend, I wouldn't subject him to this stuff. Oh, I never get tired of that one, you witty tentacle! What a pretty-boy. Why, thank you. Trying to put us all to sleep so you can steal the contest, eh? I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. Howdy. Oh, look... red, white, and blue... Is that look coming back in again? Howdy, Harold. HOW-dee, I'm sure. Oh, please! Why must you pester me? Hee hee. Liked that one, did ya? They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I can win this contest without cheating. Well, at least without actually KILLING anybody. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. Nice smile. Oh yeah? Look at this one... Ha! I've seen better smiles on a horse! Jealous. They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. I don't think this guy has much of a chance. None of them do--against me that is. I think he got it. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. That guy doesn't look like he'd be into this. Hee hee. C'mon! Say something! They've been told not to accept gifts from strangers. But I'll take whatever it is. You'd have to really hate somebody to pull a mean trick like that. This one's very tense. It's hard to relax when you know you're about to lose. Hey, when are you guys going to judge Best Hair? Keep up the good work, you judges you. Oh, all right! The mummy's has improved... Yes, but it's dull, flat, stringy... ...lacks body and control. A human's hair should stand UP, not stand OUT. If only it was a LITTLE BIT better... Wow! That's the best hair I've ever seen on a mummy. Thick and full... ...and JUICY! The mummy wins! Agreed! Let's give it to the blonde. What's your reasoning? She winked at me. Good enough! Harold's got some amazing hair. The mummy's has improved... Yes, but it's dull, flat, stringy... ...lacks body and control. Whereas Harold's flows and bounces with every subtle turn of his head. Yes, Harold wins. If only the mummy's was a LITTLE BIT better... Agreed! Wow! For a mummy, that's some great looking hair! Yes, it has a certain... ...MEATINESS. But does it have stars and lightning bolts? No. Harold is still the best. But if Harold were to, say... DROP DEAD, I'd give first place to the mummy. Agreed! As usual, no one competes with Harold. Agreed! Okay, who's got a joke? hahaha It's amazing how the mummy can do that without moving his lips. I say we give him first place! Agreed! I think our mummy friend picked up a sense of humor somewhere. Yes, but Harold still tops him. Oh, of course. Harold wins hands down. But if it weren't for Harold, I'd let the mummy have it. Agreed. I still say Harold wins, with the mummy as runner-up. Agreed. Nobody laughed. Maybe we should come up with a better joke. Agreed. Harold by a mile. Now THERE'S a sense of humor! Agreed. I like the quiet one with the big teeth. There's nothing in the rules about them being WHITE... First Place goes to the mummy! Agreed! Not a bad set of chompers on that blonde... If Harold's not competing, I don't care who wins. (sigh) Me either. That quiet one in bandages has the biggest smile I've ever seen! But his teeth aren't as pearly white as Harold's. Oh, of course--there's no comparison. But I think we should give second place to the mummy because he maintains it for so long. Agreed! Yow! That Harold sure knows how to bare them beauties! I could see my reflection in one of his incisors! First Place! Well, that makes him BEST OF SHOW! Let's go congratulate him! He IS very well preserved... I'll miss his laugh... It's time to give him his winnings and start packing up. We gotta get this whole show to Baltimore by Thursday. Yes, our work here is done. Well, Ted, this is where we part ways. You've certainly helped save humanity. Even though you've been dead for thousands of years... ...I think you're my... *sniff* ...favorite Edison. Oh, no! I've lost it! O! Where hath gone the muse that once guided my hand with such care? Must inspiration be so transitory? Must art be so cruel? I'm a failure. Don't say that, Ned! Father was right. We Edisons are made to be scientists, not artists. Dear brother... We must be strong in these times of creative adversity. Why don't you let me take over for a while. I'll clean up this rubble and start over. You relax... ...have a cappuccino. I'm glad we switched places. I think you're coming out quite well. Looks like a big storm. See, this is why I never wash my car. Hey, Ben! Oh, it's you. What do you want? Where are you going? What about your experiment? Even science sometimes gets called on account of rain, my boy! But how're you ever gonna get lightning if you're not gonna stand out in a storm? To be frank, which I am, I don't know. The science of electrodynamics... ...much like your mind, apparently... ...is still in a state of relative infancy. Back to the drawing board, I say! What a genius. I got something good for ya, Mister... ...uh, Mister... Mr. Brainstorm? Yes, hand it over. Hmmm... Doesn't this belong to somebody? Yeah, Red Edison. Ah. I'm sorry, but the man has no vision! A lightweight, durable fabric like this, going to waste down in his basement... When I'm done with it, it will fly! Hmmm... Eureka! The All-Season Frank-O-Copter! Ready to make history! No, there's no fuse. So what do I light? For the last time, you're not going to light anything! You just push it! The whole time? How am I going to get up that high? Listen, just wait for me to say the word, `Now`... ...then push the kite into the air. All right? I'm on ya, lasagna. Let's hope so. Soon all the power of the heavens will be MINE! All MINE!!! If only we had some nasty weather... nnngg Nnnggg! NNNGGGG! *phew* She's handling kinda funny... You got it... ...just hang on there. She's too heavy. I can't control her! Hang on, Ben. Hang on! She's breaking up! She's breaking up! Run for your life! Look at her go! Now all we need is a little-- Hello? Mighty Thor? Off we go, into the wild blue yonder... Easy, now... Just a little higher... Come on, come on... I think we've got it this time... Aiiieee!!! Whoa. Can we bring back my friends now? According to my instruments, your lively friend in the future hasn't yet powered her unit. According to my instruments, your rotund friend in the past hasn't yet powered his unit. According to my instruments, your friends have not yet powered their units. We've repaired the primary device... ...but before we can do anything, BOTH time pods must be energized as well. Then we can bring back what's-his-name and who's-her-face! Hoagie and Laverne. Yes! Fine specimens! I can see the roof right outside. Mangy flea-bitten rat-batting mouse-muncher. What a pretty pussycat. I wouldn't want him to squirt me back. I don't do cruelty to animals. No matter how vicious. Use it for what? No way! It was hard to get it! Thermodynamic flux induction circuit design is-- Cats love things like this. Cats dig these. Oh, I love these! I think not. Why? YIPE! Chateau de Cheap 1775. No, thanks. Some things are best left unopened. Even I won't drink that. I can't do it with my bare hands. It's already open. It's already very closed. I don't think I can put it back the way it was. It's a dented old can. There's a plaque here about it. I can't pick it up. Maybe I can open it. I don't want to damage the contents. Looks beat up enough as it is. I don't think that will open it. Umm, how decorative. Someone seems to have bolted it to the table. It's ugly enough as it is. No time for that now. Looks comfortable. That would be vandalism. It looks like a poodle I once knew. `In Commemoration of the Constitutional Convention` `Interred by Thomas Jefferson AD 1790` `Run over by a plow AD 1795` `Sorry about the dents.` It's fastened to the wall. It's sunny out. I'm not THAT desperate for fresh air. I hope this wasn't used in the outhouses. What the heck is this? I hate these things. Nothing to clean in here. What for? Ha! It's empty. It's full of water. It's full of soapy water. Nothing to scrub here. Naw! That would make a mess. Why should I do that? Need to get it charged first. That doesn't need a battery. It's Red's battery. It's mine, mine, mine. The meter says it's at zero power. The meter says it's fully powered. FLUSH my one chance of getting out of here? Shyeah! Just looks like a regular hammer to me... ...but then I'm no scientist. Just a plain ol' hammer, I'd say. To me, it looks like a normal hammer. Mr. Science Guy? Bumbling beakers! What now? How incredibly annoying! Glad I invented it! Stop! That book's starting to put me to sleep! He seems busy. Hey! Only employees are allowed to use that lab coat! It looks more like a raincoat than a lab coat. It looks kinda small for me. It's covered with plans and junk. Whatever that is, bring it here. What was it you needed for that battery again? I still need the vinegar and gold. I still need the gold and some oil. I still need oil and vinegar. I still need the oil. I still need the vinegar. I still need the gold. Let me know if you happen across any. Ah, the final element for my ingenious battery! Stand back, boy! Give me room to work! A miracle of modern science! It will look lovely here on the shelf until I take it with me to Baltimore. Don't look now but the British are coming, dude. Eh? Where? Is that supposed to be funny? I'm very busy. Ah HA! Get away from that! It's a good thing I finished in there quickly... Now, SCRAM! ...they just don't make founding fathers like they used to... I guess this is George Washington's bed. It's all rumpled up. Don't touch that! I'm trying to straighten up! It looks warm enough as it is. I'm a roadie. I can mess up a room WITHOUT a knife. Wheee! It rings for the maid to come straighten the room. I bet it calls the butler, just like on TV. Who's that gorgeous babe? Isn't that Benedict Arnold? Look, a three-headed monkey. The British are coming! Where? . You didn't expect me to fall for that old gag, did ya? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool this old joker... In fact, I INVENTED disappearing ink. It's covered with unrecognizable, useless junk... ...and a gun. Cleaning this stuff up is someone else's business. It's a grate with some chattering teeth caught in it. Hmmm, air conditioning, I guess. Maybe I got a little carried away. I've hurt Oozo enough. It's bad enough to carry the weight of his death on my conscience. Disgusting. I don't even want to touch that gunk! We don't need any fires in here. Cleaning this up is someone else's job. I hate that clown. It has three settings. `Cook,` `Jet Defrost,` and `Mutilate Beyond Recognition.` It's already open. It's already closed. I've already thawed him out. Besides, he won't let me insert the meat thermometer. Nahhh... too messy. Maybe that isn't such a hot idea. It's bad to put metal in a microwave. They may be oppressive and power-mad, but at least the tentacles recycle stuff. It has no door. Sure, I guess I won't be needing it. I can't do that. Nah, that might be useful. It says `Medula-Oblongator.` Don't mess with electronics you don't understand. The label is hard to read, but I think it says something about a rhesus monkey. I'm not putting anything in there. `Remove specimen here.` It says `Opener.` Gosh, I hope this isn't like the primitive, dangerous microwave ovens of my century. Those things could really pop a hamster good. Uh-oh. That was fun, but only because this is the 22nd century. You see, kids who put hamsters in microwaves back where I'm from... ...get taken away from their parents... ...and put up for adoption! So don't do it! Hey, look. A skunk. Come back here you mangy humans! You can't do this! This is an escape-proof facility!!! Who says you can't learn anything from cartoons, eh kitty? Hey! No pets! You might spook the humans! EEEUUCH! The grass! Use the grass! Disgusting human! Hi! You haven't seen a gangly human around, have you? Err, no. Well, what do we have here? Looks like a prosthetic rodent! Another specimen! Yum yum! Scrumptious vermin! It's as if he'd rather scratch himself than play with this adorable rodent! Oooh. It has a dent in it shaped like my skull. Why did I pick this stupid thing up? No need for a hubcap there, just like most places. There's a hamster in there, I think. Or, at least, pieces of one. That's how you empty the vacuum cleaner, I guess. Vacuum up mice? Maybe later. I don't do housework. I can't. It's built-in. It has a door on the side. Not while he's working. I don't want to bug him. I think warmth would work better than force. He's just running and running and running... He looks too cold to run. Yep. I'd say that's where the juice comes out. I don't want to gunk it up. I'd probably be better off using a plug or something like that. It's hooked up to the generator. It's all hooked up now. I don't want to disturb it. It's all hooked up. But it's all hooked up outside. It's the extension cord I threw through the window. There's a face print on the glove. I hope it's sprung for good. It's done moving. I have no time for revenge... That will all come later. It's the same generator that was in Dr. Fred's lab! I can see the Chron-o-John out there. I can't from down here. I can't fit in there! I'm sure he's in there. What I need now is a vacuum cleaner. Now, why isn't there a vacuum cleaner down here? Every American should have a vacuum cleaner in their basement! Looks abandoned. Hello? Fluffums? Hello, mice. Good riddance! It's beyond repair. It needs much more than a fresh coat of paint. I don't think it's a crank-starter. It's damaged enough. It needs much more than an oil change. These go to an American car. No wheels. It's too late for christening. It's open. Probably just the tentacles' winter... ...uh, winter... ...things. I'm not interested in tentacle junk. I don't want to put it in storage yet. I like it. I want to carry it around with me. WELL? Look at that sucker go! He just keeps running and running and running... Why stick a hamster ice-cube in the generator? He won't run. He just shivers. No. Hmmm? According to my instruments, everything is in readiness! Your friends have activated their units, so it's time to... THROW THE SWITCH! Great! Hoagie! I'm so happy to-- Hi! Laverne! Wow! I'm so glad you two made it back ok! I hate to interrupt, but there's no time to lose! Now that you're back, we've got to proceed with the original plan and send you back to yesterday to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_. Huh? Say WHAT?!?! Now, hold on a minute, Dr. Fred. They just barely made it back to our time alive, and I think-- HaHA! You can't turn off the machine if I get there FIRST! Uh-oh. Don't worry guys! This time I KNOW I can stop him! Uh-oh. I guess we'd better do something. Let's go! NO, WAIT! You can't all go in the same stall! Didn't you see `The Fly`?!? We're... ...we're... We're some kinda monster, dudes. Great. Stuck here the rest of my life... ...listening to Bernard talking and watching Hoagie eat. Mom warned me there'd be days like this. Now, wait just a minute-- mts pmpl tmpcl It's Green Tentacle! What was that, Green? PMPL TMPCL G BHND J!! What? I believe he's trying to warn you about ME. ...oh... We're going to turn off the Sludge-O-Matic_ and defeat your evil plans, you overgrown WORM. You sorry lot are no match for ME! But there's THREE of us-- --well, sort of! Nevertheless, I mean to crush you. Yeah? You and what army? Why, THIS army, of course. ...yikes... You see, I've been busy. These are all versions of myself from the future. I've been bringing them back here using the Chron-O-John. Together, we will CONQUER THE WORLD!! You ten there! Go to the basement and guard the Sludge-O-Matic_. No one is to touch the Sludge-O-Matic_. Now, creature, I must decide what excruciating tortures to-- Leave them to me! I've been itching for a chance to test out my newly completed DIMINUATOR! Uh, oh. Excuse me, uh, us. BWAHAHAHA!! All right, the rest of you come with me! Next stop... ...THE WORLD! What do we do NOW? Whoa! It wears off! Ah HAH! Run for it! Damn! The battery must not have had time to recharge... ...but it will! Shh! Maybe he won't find us. Yoohoo! Where are you, human? Hey, wanna see a neat trick? Sure! Neat, huh? Uh... My pony express stamps! You ruined my pony express stamps! Not to mention five years of therapy! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!! Geeze! What a grump! He should really try to find some outlet for those-- ...negative feelings. I think he'd kill me if I did it again. Mmmm. Thanks. I needed a little pick-me-up. Must ... open ... safe ... Must ... sign ... contract ... Must ... provide ... for ... family ... Now THAT'S good coffee! He's already unconscious; decaf might kill him! But it's worth a try. Yeah, what do you want? Hi there? Is this Dr. Fred Edison? Who did you think you called? Dr. Spock? Look, I don't have all day. This is Farley Krock at LucasArts Games. I just discovered your contract among some very old files. And, well, our lawyers say that we, uh... ...have to pay you two million dollars in back royalties. Uh, for the use of your family in the Maniac Mansion video game. WHAT! This is Farley Kro-- No, I heard that, you MORON. When do I get my MONEY?!? Oh, right now. It's been credited to your