Deep in the Caribbean, Plunder Island..... 

It was about three in the morning on a peaceful summer night. Guybrush Threepwood, mighty pirate, was lying in bed--about half-awake, staring into blank space and pondering. He could see the moon--an odd, yellow crescent with the 'horns' pointing upward. Strange. And no stars, which was also strange. As a matter of fact, could he even see the window from their bed? Had he forgotten to close the curtains to the balcony again? Elaine'd be furious. 

And what was this odd weight pressing down on his chest? It seemed warm and strangely furry--and vibrating. What the--? 

He raised his head a little. A pair of enormous red eyes met his. 

"Yaaaah!" Guybrush screamed, scrambling backwards. The black cat fought for balance on this unstable footing, digging in her claws to secure herself. He yelled again and tried to beat the creature off with a pillow.. 

"Guybrush, wha...?" Elaine protested sleepily from her side of the bed. 

"Will you please stop that?!" cried another voice--female, with a British accent. As he lowered the pillow, surprised, the cat climbed back into its place on his chest. "Thank you," she continued, sounding a little out of breath. "I apologize for startling you, but we need your help." 

"Guybrush, make the bad talking cat stop talking and go away," complained his wife, slurring the words. She was already drifting back out. 

Talking cat on my bed wants my help lucky Elaine is a fair summary of Guybrush's thought process at the moment. "I'm going to just assume this is a dream until something convinces me otherwise," he told the cat, trying to get his thoughts together. 

"Oh, isn't that all we can ever do?" she responded philosophically. "My name is Luna. And you are, of course, Guybrush Thrackweed, the mightiest pirate in the Caribbean." 

"Err...Threepwood," he corrected. He could see why her name was Luna--the odd crescent moon was actually a light patch in her black fur. "Mighty pirate, at your service." 

"Wonderful. A group of friends of mine are on their way to see you. They've come a very long way.." she lowered her voice to a hissing whisper "..through time...because we got word than an enemy was going to attack here." 

Guybrush startled her with an ironic chuckle. "Lady Moon, if you knew what we've been through in the last six months..." 

"We have come here to fight a terror who will make Big Whoop look sane and reasonable." 

His face went cold. "And you want my help?" he squeaked. 

"Yes. You see--" 

A commotion broke out on the balcony outside--the voices of about four teenage girls, chattering excitedly. "Excuse me," Luna said instead. "I think my friends are here." 

She bounded off the bed and trotted towards the curtains, only to have them ripped aside just as she reached them. Pale light flooded in, bright enough to make him cover his eyes--and then the entire bevy of chattering girls followed.  

"Like, no way!" one of them squealed, bounding up to the bed. "Are you a real pirate?" 

"Serena," growled another one in menacing tones. 

Guybrush, feeling strangely exposed, pulled the covers in tighter around his neck. 

"Chill out, Ray, it's not like it's going to hurt anything." 

More chatter from the end of the room. 

"Ewww, a chamber pot! Gross me out!" 

"Unbelievable! A guy who doesn't look just like your old boyfriend!" 

"Girls.." Luna tried to break in. The two closest to the bed were sticking their tongues out at one another. Literal sparks were flying. 

"It's not like we can expect living conditions to be ideal in the late 17^th century." 

"Yeah, but a chamber pot?" 

"You're just jealous cause I saw him first!" 

"Young ladies!" snapped an angry female voice. The room went silent. 

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" Elaine crossed her arms, sitting up in bed with more authority than a woman in a nightshirt generally has. "No? It's three in the morning. Yes, this is the 17^th century, yes he's a pirate, yes he's my husband, and a chamber pot is perfectly adequate, thank you. Would you kindly take yourselves and your commotion downstairs until morning?" 

The girls left, Serena and the one she called 'Ray' still arguing. "Whoops," said another in a self-recriminating tone. "I forgot it was still afternoon when we left Tokyo." 

"Luna..." began Guybrush. 

She sighed. "They take a little....getting used to." 

He groaned and fell back into the bed. 

After breakfast, they called a conference with the girls and the cats (turns out that there were two, Luna and a white male named Artemis, also marked with a yellow crescent moon). But their story made the presence of two talking cats seem quite normal and ordinary. 

"No, wait a minute, let me get this straight. You girls are really warriors from other planets." 

"Not precisely," responded a small girl with short blue hair. It really was blue. No lie. "You see, thousands of years ago, there was life on other planets besides this one--great kingdoms, with proud rulers. Each kingdom had a princess who was also a warrior to defend the planet. But then the Moon Kingdom was attacked, and Queen Serenity--" 

"Uh, never mind...that part makes my head hurt. The fact is, you girls have super powers..." 

"Which we use to defend goodness." 

"Love!" 

"Justice!" 

"We're the Sailor Scouts!" they chorused.  

Now his head really did hurt. "And you're here because something horrible is going to happen on Plunder Island," Elaine joined in. 

"Right." 

Elaine was feeling a little skeptical, herself. "I'm not so sure I believe you." 

The girl named Serena, a blonde with improbably long pigtails, made a motion with her hand, but her neighbor, the purple-haired girl named Ray, stopped her. "Not in here!" she hissed. 

"Quite right. Take it outside, ladies." That from Artemis, the white cat. 

When the party stood on the beach outside the Fort, Luna shouted "Hit it, girls!" 

"Venus Power!" yelled Meena, another blonde. 

"Mercury Power!" yelled the blue-haired Amy. 

"Mars Power!" Ray. 

"Jupiter Power!" Leeta. 

"Moon Crystal Power!" Serena. 

Lights, colors, pandemonium. The bodies of the five young girls, modestly veiled in a kaleidoscope of patterns or ribbons, danced around them. One by one, they struck a pose and held it, until all five had finished their wild twirlings.  

"Sailor Venus!" 

"Sailor Mercury!" 

"Sailor Mars!" 

"Sailor Jupiter!" 

"And I'm Sailor Moon!"  

"We fight crime and wipe out Negatrash...and that means you!" 

"No! No, that doesn't mean them!" interjected Luna.  

Serena looked sheepish. "Sorry. Old habits die hard." 

Even as 'Sailor Scouts,' the five looked exactly the same, wearing strange bodysuits which slightly resembled sailor outfits, with almost obscenely short, colorful skits. Each had a coordinating bow on her chest and a tiara across her forehead.  

Guybrush made an odd wheezing sound--Elaine turned and saw him standing paralyzed, both eyes bulging out of their sockets, mouth hanging open. He had been Freaked Out. 

"Men," chorused all the females present. A huge droplet of water suddenly appeared at the side of Artemis' head. 

The mighty pirate made the wheezing sound again. "...oil....can.."  

Elaine produced a small container out of nowhere in particular and oiled her husband in a dozen places. "I thought so....your eyeballs corroded," she muttered. "You need to remember to blink at least once a minute." 

"Yes...dear.." he gritted out, rubbing his jaw. 

"Well, that was.....very impressive," Elaine turned to the girls, who were beginning to shiver a little in the cool morning breeze off the ocean. "But just how does running around scantily clad fight crime?" 

They shuffled their feet and looked nervous. "Well, it's our....secret identity," Amy began. 

"Secret identity?!" exclaimed Guybrush, mostly recovered. "You look exactly the same, just in different clothes!" 

Ray put her hands on her hips. "Hey, don't knock it until you try it! And it's Raye, by the way." 

"And Lita!" 

"And Mina!" 

"And Ami!" 

"Okay, okay! Touch-eee." 

Elaine drew her cutlass. "Well, here goes nothing." She held it over her head. "Pirate Princess Power!" 

Music and lights began.. 

..faltered... 

.and died.  

Elaine lowered her sword and glared at it. She jarred it against the flat of her hand a couple of times--it started back up again with the sound of an outboard motor revving (whatever that means). She raised the blade over her head again, and the transformation began. 

Ami quickly put her hands over Guybrush's eyes. 

"Hey, not bad!" Elaine said finally. Her husband cautiously peeked out between Ami's fingers and whistled appreciatively. 

She was wearing the same sailor-style suit as the girls, but with a bright green skirt and brown leggings. Her bow was red with a green stone (matching the one in the tiara), and she still wore her familiar green head-scarf. Her boots were stylized pirate gear. She flashed a gold cutlass and looked dangerously beautiful. 

"Too bad most of our enemies are female," sighed Mina. Guybrush, whose eyes were still aching, agreed. 

He also realized that everyone was staring at him. "Do I have to?" he plainted. 

"Yes." He was getting a little more used to words spoken in unison. 

He sighed. "Why are we doing this, anyhow?" 

"Because the fights never start until everyone is in costume," replied purple-haired Sailor Mars as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. 

There was no escape. His only prayer was that this wouldn't work. He rummaged through his pockets until he discovered--ah ha! There it was. His souvenir from Melee Island. The one item that was all but guaranteed not to do anything.  

A rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle. 

"Pirate Chicken Power!" he declared, holding it aloft. 

He couldn't really describe what happened next. The next thing he knew, he had landed in a bizarre pose, elbows out. "I'm Sailor Pirate Chicken!" 

Then he came to his senses. His horrified eyes took in the boots, the gloves, the bow, the purple miniskirt.... 

"What have you done to me?" he demanded of Serena and the other girls, whose heads all featured those huge hovering droplets of water. 

"Uhh...I...guess we got the wrong...item..?" Sailor Moon fumbled out at long last. 

"The chicken must have picked up some voodoo from the House of Mojo," Sailor Pirate Princess added, blushing. It really was quite a miniskirt. 

He tore at the fabric. It wouldn't give. "How do I get out of this thing?" 

"To be honest, I don't know," replied Ami. "They usually just vanish after the fight." 

"Perhaps I can help, Sailor Scouts," called a new male voice. 

"Tuxedo Mask!" Another chorus. Guybrush hid behind Elaine. 

"Remember, Sailor Scouts: When the way seems darkest, the light of love will show the way." The speaker was standing neatly on top of a sign on the other end of the beach (it said "Welcome to Puerto Pollo") and wore a sharp black tuxedo with a red-lined cape. His eyes were hidden behind a white mask. Hence the name, apparently. 

The girls sighed collectively. Guybrush too, though for different reasons. "Look, Mr.. um...Mask. Do you think you could help me get out of this thing?" 

Tuxedo Mask stared for two seconds and then covered his mouth with one gloved hand. The pirate sighed again. "Oh, never mind. Elaine, could I borrow your cutlass for a second?" 

"No...no, it's okay. I'm sorry, I've just never seen this happen before." Mr. Mask regained his composure. "But I have seen few problems which cannot be solved by the purity of a rose," he added in his former cryptic style. 

"What's he going to do, throw one at me?" muttered Guybrush. 

The stem of the flung rose caught him squarely in the eye. "Ow! Papappisshu!" 

Elaine whirled 'round. "Guybrush? Are you okay?" 

He pulled the flower out of his eye. Miraculously, it didn't seem to have caused any damage. But his gaze was blank, unfocused--and then his normally blue iris flashed red. "Okay? Okay? I've never felt more okay in my life!"  

"Uh oh..." muttered Mask-boy. 

"In fact, I need to go tell everyone just how okay I am. I'm great! Everyone should hear about me!" 

"Guybrush, wait!" Elaine tried to take hold of his arm, but he pulled away, left eye blue, right eye red.  

"Bye, hon! I'm off to tell the whole island!" 

"Tell them what?" 

"The story about how I defeated LeChuck!" 

"But....which one?" 

"All four of them! Bye!" With a mischievous flip of skirt, he was off.  

Elaine cringed. "He's going insane. Dressed like that. And the entire island is going to see him do it." 

"Sailor Pirate Chicken's under the control of something else," protested Lita. 

"Yeah. His ego." Elaine sighed. "Well done, flower-boy." 

"Hey! He ducked!" 

She whirled around angrily. "Try having a rose chucked at you for a change--I'll bet you'd duck, too." 

"Sailor Pirate Princess," Luna cut in. "We are going to recover your husband from the...negative energies of his own inflated self-image. Who knows? This could be the very reason we were sent here." 

'Sailor Pirate Princess' started to reply sharply, but stopped herself. After all, how many innocent people had she brought doom upon, simply by moving in next door? "You're probably right," she conceded.  

"Hi, Elaine! Nice outfit," called a cheery voice from the Fortress. Everyone jumped. 

"You've got to find a better way to bring new characters into this fanfic!" shrieked Elaine. 

Hey, sorry, I do the best I can. 

Luna peered up at her. "Sailor Pirate Princess?" 

"Sorry...I'm just under a lot of stress right now." 

"Did I come at a bad time?" The brown-haired woman approaching them looked concerned. "I mean, Murray and I were thinking of coming over to see Elli, but I'd forgotten you sent her over to Gret's for the weekend..." 

"No, Chari, you're fine. We're just in a mess right now." 

Chariset and her husband, Murray, met the girls and the cats with remarkable calm. "Hey, it's too late in the story for us to freak out now," she said sensibly. "Besides, I like cats." 

"Gross! You're carrying a skull around?" chirped Sailor Moon. 

"That's no skull--that's my husband," Chari explained.  

"Bwuahahahaha!" chortled Murray. 

"Guh-ROSS!" 

"You're married to a skull?" Mercury's tone was incredulous. 

"He's normally a human being. But he made one too many remarks not long after we got married about 'Should've quit when he was a head.' I had no choice." Chariset shrugged. "I'll change him back before too much longer." 

"And you're Mantree's sister, huh?" 

"Guybrush, and yes. Why?" 

Elaine looked uncomfortable. "That's the mess I was about to tell you about." 

They explained the situation, still proudly clad in their Sailor suits. Chari, being the loving and devoted sister (and helpful soul) that she was, reacted predictably. 

"Dress in that? You've got to be kidding." 

"Awwwww," whined Murray. 

"No way. Sorry, girls, but I come as I am." 

"But we won't match." 

She snorted, disgusted. "Is this a rescue or a sleepover?" 

"Chari," said Elaine firmly. "This story's not going anywhere until you get a move on." 

She rolled her eyes. "All right. For the sake of the plotline." She picked up Murray with both hands and hoisted him aloft. "By the Power of Greyskull!!" 

"That's not the way it goes!" hissed Mina. 

"Who cares? You want to be stuck here forever? With the chamber pot?" Raye, as usual, was impatient with this entire business. 

"Good point." 

Transformation complete, Sailor Pirate Skull set her husband gently on the sand. "Okay. Now what?" 

"We need to find a way to stop Sailor Pirate Chicken." 

"Wouldn't it help to find out what he's actually doing first?" 

"Not really. We know what's wrong.." Luna began. 

"..the rose in the eye.." 

"..we just need to find a way to reverse it." 

"A rose in the other eye?" suggested Tuxedo Mask. 

Elaine shook her head. "That would just make him twice as evil." 

"A blue rose in the red eye?" 

"Where are we going to find a blue rose? Besides, I don't want to hurt him." 

"A mystical Amulet with magical powers?" This from Chari. 

"A Shinto charm?" Raye suggested. 

"How about a computer?" Ami. 

Elaine blinked. "What's that?" 

"Er....never mind." 

"The kiss of true love," sighed Serena. 

"We could assault him with a pair of pants.."said Lita. 

"Flatter him into humility?" Artemis. 

"Electroshock?" 

"Murray!" 

"Muahahahaha!!" 

"Marathon VeggieTales?" 

Elaine smiled a slow, evil smile. 

"Actually no...I have a better idea..." 

"Make it stop!" wailed Blondebeard, proprietor of the local chicken shop. "I can't take it any more!" His voice simply added to the general cacophony. 

Frisking through the town, the cause of it all, was Sailor Pirate Chicken, formerly Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate. As the good citizens of Plunder Island fled in terror, he tossed strange devices at them with a snap of his wrist, Frisbee™-style. They locked into place over the victims' heads--unusual earmuffs, each ear bearing an autographed picture of the former pirate. 

Each earpiece, then, began playing a recording. Guybrush's voice, recounting the story of how he had defeated the Ghost, Zombie, Demon, and Ice-Demon Pirates LeChuck, in glorious stereo. 

Pirates, unable to remove these headphones, were slowly going mad all over the city, moaning piteously.  

Worst of all, as the stories went on, they were actually starting to believe them. 

On the headphones: "..so I bust into the church and say--" 

"'Now you're in for it, you bilious bag of barnacle bait!'" obediently chorused the mind-numb citizens. 

"And then LeChuck cries--" 

"'Guybrush! Have mercy! I can't take it anymore!'" 

"I know, I know," groused Sailor Pirate Princess. "I'm almost ready." 

"Could we go talk to the Voodoo Lady?" 

"'Voodoo Lady'?" asked Luna. "A friend of yours?" 

"Oh, yeah! She knows all about magic, and she usually knows how to solve problems--" 

Elaine cleared her throat warningly and gave the skimpy Sailor outfits a significant glance. 

"--but I think she's on vacation at the moment," Chari finished quickly. 

The red-haired Governor sighed, relieved. "That was too close," she whispered. 

"So what's the plan?" asked Sailor Jupiter. 

"I'll tell you when we get there," bluffed Elaine. 

"Then let's book it!" 

At this nonsensical phrase, all five girls ran madly into the center of town. The other two women and the skull exchanged glances and followed after. 

"Who's your Daddy?" he called out, miniskirt flaring dramatically in a gust of wind. It was a fair indicator of their devotion that not one person below him flinched. 

"You are!" they shouted. 

"Tuxedo Mask, now!" Elaine commanded. 

The elegantly dressed man made a slight motion with one hand. A rose flew out and struck the figure on the roof, knocking him off-balance. He hit the ground with a dull thud. 

"Sorry, Guybrush," said Luna quietly as they raced over to the fallen pirate. He was sprawled out on the ground (luckily, the magic miniskirt covered everything which needed to be covered), and seemed to be unhurt, just stunned. 

But before they could reach him, a field of black Nega-energy, laced with lightning, surrounded his body. He vanished. 

Sailor Moon looked dismayed. "Oh no! Not again!" 

"You mean this happens on a regular basis?" demanded Sailor Pirate Princess. 

"Well....only when the Negaverse is after the romantic male interest of a Sailor Scout," clarified Luna. "They generally try to turn the person against his girlfriend....or wife...knowing she can't bring herself to hurt him." 

"Well, they got the wrong couple," replied Elaine grimly. 

"So what do we do now?" asked Murray. 

Sailor Venus shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe we should free all of these mind-controlled drones while we wait for an evil Guybrush to turn up." 

This they did. They sent the dizzy pirates home with memories of imbibing in a bit too much grog and passing out on their own coffee tables, then they waited a bit more. By then it was lunchtime, so they went back to the Fortress and ate. Then they played some cards. And waited a bit longer. 

Finally, Luna announced that she felt a great disturbance in the Negaverse. "As if a million million fingernails were dragged across a chalkboard and were suddenly broken."  

Murray was impressed. "Wow...what imagery." 

They ran out to the center of town, near a small but picturesque fountain. The sky overhead trembled, filled with dark clouds--a central swirl pulsed red with negative energy. 

"This must the be attack I was warned about," Luna called out. "Be ready, Sailor Scouts!" 

"Right," they replied, Elaine and Chari among them. Murray actually sweat-dropped. 

They watched, tensely, as the clouds lowered until they almost touched the top of the theater behind them. The small hill on the far end of town could no longer be seen. The air-pressure was increasing rapidly, every wind was still, and the lowering ceiling of black-red clouds was making everyone feel hemmed-in and slightly claustrophobic. 

The tension was unbearable. 

"Enough!" shrieked a female voice from above. "I cannot abide that story one more time!" 

A circular hole opened in the center of the lowering clouds, through which the moans and cries of tortured souls emerged. "How horrible!" gasped Sailor Mars. "There must be a hundred prisoners up there." 

"Get him out of my sight!" spat the same female speaker. "I never want to see him again!"  

"But I'm just getting to the good part!" protested a familiar voice. "You've got to hear it!" 

"Guybrush?" Sailor Pirate Princess' tone was incredulous.  

"I have heard quite enough, thank you!" The opening in the cloud widened slightly, discharging a single gangly figure with all the tender care of a housemaid throwing out the trash. He landed on his inadequately-covered derriere, followed by a shower of headphones. 

Instantly, the clouds withdrew and began to dissipate. 

"Generals! Get us out of here!" screeched the thin, distant echo of the female voice, just before the sky had cleared completely. "If there are any more people like him on this miserable planet, it's not worth it!" 

Elaine ran up to her husband, still sitting unhappily on the cobblestones. "Guybrush? Are you okay?" 

He blinked at her, then shook himself a little. "Ah, they didn't deserve to hear a good story," he said disgustedly, half to himself. "Hey, nice outfit." 

She chuckled. "Thanks. You too." 

And then, of course, the battle over, all the outfits dissolved into ribbons and vanished, leaving girls and pirates clad in normal gear.  

Well, not entirely vanished. Guybrush was left holding a purple ribbon, Elaine a green one, and Chari dark red. 

"Are you all right?" Elaine asked again.  

"I'm fine--I think. I had this thorn in my eye--" he showed her the offending item "--but it came out when I landed." 

"Rose-throwers should be a little more careful," Chari commented with a pointed look at Tuxedo Mask. He had the grace to blush. 

Suddenly, they were surrounded by a gaggle of chattering girls, all talking at the same time. 

"That was amazing!" 

"You okay, Mantree?" 

"Queen Beryl's never coming back here again!" 

"Was that the plan, Elaine?" 

"That was remarkably insightful. How did you ever figure it out?" 

"Yeah, how'd you know--?" 

"Now I see why Queen Serenity wanted us to come here. She must have known this would happen." 

"Right, but how did Elaine know?" 

"Yeah, tell us!" 

Elaine looked embarrassed. "Well, I...." 

"Yeah?" 

"Go on." 

"I..." She crumpled and put her face in her hands. "I read ahead!" 

"You skipped ahead to the ending?" 

"Elaine, how could you?" 

"I couldn't think of any better plan. So I read ahead to find out how I solved the problem." Her face was still buried in her hands. 

"That's got to be the cheapest plot contrivance I ever heard of!" snapped Lita. 

"Yeah, it's the author's fault, Elaine, not yours." 

"You bad fanfic writers ought to be ashamed of yourselves!" 

"Fanfic?" asked Murray, baffled. 

"Hey, calm down," interjected Guybrush. "There's still a lot of story that hasn't been written yet." He hugged Elaine. "Did you read ahead and see this, too?" He kissed her. 

"Awwwww!" 

She blushed. "I read a lot more than just that." 

"Yowsa! Let's get back to the Fort!" 

"And we need to get back to our own timeline," added Luna. "Queen Beryl may have left here, but she's safe to cause trouble in modern-day Tokyo." 

Serena sighed. "Do we have to?" 

"Yes," chorused Guybrush, Elaine, Chari, and Murray. Everyone laughed. 

"Feel free to borrow our balcony," added Elaine. "And take a pair of those ear-covers with you." This they did. 

When everyone was assembled in the Threepwood's bedroom, the girls, cats, tuxedo-boy, and pirates said their goodbyes. "Thanks for your help," said Serena. "If you're ever in twenty-first century Tokyo, look us up." 

"Uhh....we'll do that," promised Guybrush. 

"Sailor Pluto, we're ready," Luna called into mid-air.  

A circular, swirling portal, glowing ruby, flowered into existence. Within it stood a woman with impossibly long, dark-green hair, holding a staff shaped like a key. "Are you ready?" she asked. 

"Right. Take us home," Mina put in.  

They stepped over the balcony railing and into the swirling red darkness, Luna last of all. Guybrush gave her an affectionate scratch under the chin. "You were right, cat. They're not so bad once you get to know them." 

She purred. "Thank you all so much. We couldn't have done it without you."  

Elaine smiled. "Feel free to come by sometime when the world isn't in immanent danger." 

And then the bizarre visitors from the future were gone. Chari and her skull-husband followed not long after, leaving Guybrush and Elaine alone in their bedroom once more. 

He glanced at the chamber pot. "What on earth do you suppose they use?" he mused. 

"Who knows? And who cares?" She shot him a mischievous look. "Purple is definitely your color." 

The ribbon was still wrapped around his hand. "Ah yes. Purple. The color of royalty." He posed, but the effect was spoiled by her laughter. "Hmm. Maybe I should wear a ribbon in my hair from now on." 

She just shook her head. "It's your hair." 

"And now," he prompted, setting the coiled ribbon down on a table. "Didn't you say you had a story for me?" 

"Yes, I do. A nice long one." She got up and closed the curtains, he snuffed out the candles, and the story began.  

And this one ends here. 

Sorry, folks. 

Hey, you don't want it to be an NC-17 'fic, do you? 

"Will you keep it down?" protested Guybrush. "We're trying to read, here!" 

Ah. Pardon me. 

[whispered] And so this story comes to an end. 

Quietly.