The Memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood- The Monkey Island Years

Liam Harper

Part 4: Guybrush Almost Kicks Butt

As I climbed down into the gaping hole in the ground, wafts of hot air blasted my hair back. I landed in the cavern entrance of the catacombs: a vast network of ever changing tunnels that stretch deep beneath Monkey Island. All the walls and floors were made naturally from a dark red stone. Fiery pits and lava rivers created the only light down there. A river of lava flowed slowly by here and a shaky-looking natural bridge arched over it. Sprouting from the ground were hellishly familiar mushrooms. Over the bridge, LeChuck and his skeletal crew could just be seen vanishing round a corner. I knew I would get lost here without the head of the navigator, unless I kept close behind LeChuck. I ran quietly over the bridge, which shuddered slightly as I crossed. I followed them for several minutes through the tangling caves and tunnels. LeChuck seemed to know where he was going while his crew followed like sheep. Loud laughter and shouts could be heard from LeChuck's crew and quieter grumbles and moans from LeChuck himself.
"Shut up and keep movin', ya bag o' bones!" he growled. "If I could touch anything right now, I'd rattle every bone in yer body!" Same old LeChuck.
Soon, the party stopped and gathered round. I crouched behind a towering stalagmite. The carriage in which Timmy lay was set to one side. A flame of hope leapt up inside me - I could run from my cover and grab Timmy, before escaping into a tunnel. But my plans were dashed instantly, as the crew split up into two groups and headed in different directions. LeChuck and several skeletons went one way while the rest took Timmy down another. I had to make a choice fast, or I would lose both of them.
Timmy was the main reason I was here and I had to rescue him as soon as possible. But then LeChuck was behind all of this and could do anything while I wasn't around to stop him. But what harm could LeChuck do without Timmy? I decided I had to go after Timmy and hopefully avoid LeChuck altogether.
By the time I had come to this decision, though, the two groups had already moved off. I ran to the spot where they had gathered and dashed into the tunnel down which Timmy had been taken. I then skidded to a halt at a large red, rock wall, with a path to my left and one to my right.
"Which way?" I cried accidentally. My voice echoed loudly through the catacombs and was replied by shouts and commands from the skeleton crew, and a loud crying wail from Timmy. This definitely came from the left tunnel, so I ran down it and followed the sound as best I could. I ran out into a cave-like area through which another river of lava slowly crept. Clouds of steam billowed upwards and a large, gooey eyeball protruded from the far wall. As I carefully leaped over the river, it followed me, sliding around its stony socket with a sickly, slimy sound. I shuddered as I left the cave and into the next dim, hellish tunnel. But after several minutes of frantic running, I realised I was lost. I had lost the trail of the skeletons and Timmy and didn't have a clue where I was.
"Great!" I said to myself. "You've done it again, Thripweed!" I stopped and slumped to the ground, creating a small cloud of dust. As I sat on the hot floor and caught my breath, I thought about what to do next. I soon came to the conclusion that there was nothing I could do, since the catacombs would be different every time I turned around. I eventually got back to my feet and began to wander aimlessly through the hot, dimly lit tunnels. I'm going to die down here, I thought. I'll never see Elaine again, or Timmy. LeChuck will probably get to her in the end. And then he'll take Timmy's body and-- My thoughts were cut short as a bright white light blinded me and a gust of cool air blasted across my face. I gasped and staggered forwards into the moonlit night of Monkey Island.
Where was I? Had I reached the church already, by mistake? Surely I couldn't have ended up exactly where I wanted to be for the first time ever? No. As I ascended the ramp that led from the fiery depths into the cool night air, I was greeted by a large human-like figure with an abnormally large head, which was yellow and round. Behind this semi-clad figure were several others, with similarly odd shaped heads and under-clothed bodies. I stood still, frozen in anticipation, and could say nothing. Then, suddenly, after what seemed like hours of stillness, one of the strange figures' mouths moved. It said: "Hey, Guybrush!"

* * * * *

Meanwhile, back on Booty Island, Elaine was at the dock, packing her things and readying a ship that was set for Monkey Island.
"But Governor," snivelled one of her servants, "it's so dangerous! I'm sure Guybrush has everything under control!"
"Guybrush? Ha!" she snorted. "Just get the ship ready to leave by midnight."
With that, she left the dock and headed back to the mansion. The crew and servant did as they were asked and readied the ship. By midnight, Elaine had set sail for Monkey Island and she had packed an extra large bottle of root beer, just in case.

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, I began to recognise the people before me. It was Lemonhead and the other Monkey Island cannibals.
"Hey, you guys," I said. "Where am I?"
"You're in our village on Monkey Island, where else?" replied Lemonhead.
"This used to be the monkeys' village," I replied. "And I thought you guys were on Blood Island…"
"Yeah, well," continued Lemonhead, "we weren't really appreciated there. We moved back to resume our red meat-only diet."
I took at small step backwards.
"Don't worry, Guybrush," he said. "We're not animals. We won't eat you!"
I pondered over whether this was a compliment or not for a few moments, then asked, "How did I get here?" I turned to look down into the hole from which I had emerged. It was a long, narrow tunnel that has a slight gradient and curved out of sight. I must not have noticed I was slowly moving upwards.
"We built that for easy access of the island," explained Lemonhead. "There's no way we can get to any other part of the island with all that lava LeChuck has been spilling all over the place. So, what bring you here?"
I sighed deeply. "It's a long story…" I said.
"We have time," said Lemonhead. I was shown to a wooden hut, which was well furnished. A large, polished table stood in between two soft-looking sofas and in the corner stood a tall, slightly glowing Grog machine. It hummed quietly.
"Have a root beer," offered another cannibal, depositing a small coin into the slot. A moment later, a bottle clattered out.
"Thanks," I said. "Maybe later." I stuffed it in my pocket.
We sat and I told the whole story, from when Elaine and I left on our honeymoon up to now.
"Wow," said Lemonhead. There was a pause. "That's some story…"
"Can you help me?" I asked.
"Hmm, I think so," replied Lemonhead. He proceeded to talk to his cannibal friends in a foreign language. After a couple of minutes, he turned to face me. "First," he continued, "you must go into the jungle of Monkey Island and collected several items for us."
"Oh, man!" I sighed. "Why do these things always require some obscure, unobtainable, one-of-a-kind item from the middle of nowhere?"
"Hey, I didn't write this story!" snapped Lemonhead. "Just do it!"

Early the next morning, several miles off the coast of Monkey Island, Smirk stood on the deck of the Fair Lady, watching a ship approach. As it came closer, he could see a lone figure standing on deck.
"Ahoy there!" cried Elaine.
"Governor Marley?" asked Smirk, rubbing his good eye as Elaine pulled up beside him. "What are you doing out here, all alone in the Caribbean?"
"I'm here to get Guybrush out of trouble and save the day, of course," replied Elaine.
"Guybrush?" asked Smirk. "How do you know he's in trouble?"
"Well, come on," said Elaine. "It's almost near the end of the story. This about when Guybrush gets into bother and I have to appear and rescue him, while fooling him into thinking he did all the work."
"Yeah, you're right," nodded Smirk.
Elaine lowered a lifeboat and paddled towards Monkey Island.

I gazed out across the treetops of the jungle that spread beneath me. I figured that while I was up this huge tree collecting some voodoo ingredient I might as well take in the sights. I sighed and pulled the large fruit from the branch, placing it in my basket, before sliding down to earth. I had been out all night collecting things for the cannibals. It's probably too late now, I thought. This had better be special or we're doomed. When I returned to the village, I was greeted by Lemonhead.
"Ah, Guybrush," he said. "You have obtained all of the items on the list?"
"Yes," I groaned tiredly.
"Good," he said. "Now we can help you. Here," he said, handing me a map.
I examined it for a few seconds.
"What is it?" I asked.
"It is directions through the catacombs to the First Church of LeChuck," said Lemonhead.
"But how do I destroy LeChuck?" I asked.
"Well, you used a bottle of root beer once, didn't you?" he replied.
"Yes."
"Well…"
I stared at him for what seemed like ages.
"Aren't you going to mix up some powerful voodoo potion which will send LeChuck into the Netherworld forever?" I cried, glancing at the full basket.
"What, this?" laughed Lemonhead. "No, no! We're having a feast tonight. Fruit and vegetable never harmed any cannibal, now did they?"
"You mean I've been out all night collecting fruit and vegetables for your feast?" I cried.
Lemonhead was silent.
"Fruit and vegetables?!" I screamed. "You're cannibals!"
Lemonhead shifted awkwardly.
"A feast I'm not even invited to!" I yelled.
"Hey," said Lemonhead. "We helped you, right?"
I stared at him.

Elaine's rowboat hit the sandy beach of Monkey Island. She stepped out onto the hot sand and leaned back towards the boat, lifting the large bottle of root beer from its bottom. She then turned as strolled confidently into the deep jungle.

"Left, then right, then straight on for twenty paces, then left…" I read the directions carefully. I had already been following the map for just under an hour and was beginning to lose hope. But as I turned the final corner, a large cave opened up around me. A narrow walkway of stone stretched across a lake of lava and met a large, round pillar, which disappear through the roof. At the foot of the pillar was a doorway, guarded by two skeletons. As my gaze followed the route of the walkway, my mind drifted back to my childhood days and a favourite past time of mine: ten-pin bowling. A searched the area for the largest and most spherical rock I could find. Making sure I kept out of sight, I hurled it down the walkway as best I could. I careered to one side, almost falling off the edge and into the lava, just as I'd planned. As it neared the unsuspecting guards, it began to swerved back to centre. A few seconds before impact, the right had skeleton noticed the rolling rock, but it was too late. The rock struck his bony legs, sending bones of all sorts flying. The rock then continued to swerve left and hit the other guard in a similar manner.
"Yes!" I cried. My trick shot worked! Two in one!
I crossed the bridge, strolling smugly. All that was left of the pillar's security was a pile of bones. I entered the door and discovered a staircase spiralled up inside the pillar, presumably to the church.

Elaine landed firmly on two feet, still carrying the bottle in her hands. She turned to look at the obstacle over which she had successfully navigated. The snaking lava rivers steaming and crawled slowly by. Elaine then turned again took look at her next task: the First Church of LeChuck, which towered ominously above her.

I was out of breath by the time I reached the top of the stairway, which was much bigger than it first appeared. I emerged from the floor of the church. I gasped when I saw Timmy lying on an altar, fast asleep. LeChuck leered over him grinning evilly, and the ghost priest stood at his side, reading a spell from an ancient voodoo book. When the priest finished the chant, he glided over to what appeared to be a shrine… the shrine! From it he took a long golden staff, inscribed with voodoo writings. On the top of the staff was a glowing orb, the colour of which was indistinguishable. Every time your eyes moved, it appeared to change colour. A host of skeletons was congregated in the church, all there to witness LeChuck take a new form. The priest held the staff aloft and began another chant. Bolts of lightning flew from the orb and danced across the room, hitting LeChuck and Timmy.

Elaine crept quietly into the church, sneaking round corners and listening for any noise. All she could hear was a faint chanting. She followed the sound until she reached a large doorway. Setting the bottle on the floor, she pushed the door open slightly, just enough to see in. She could see LeChuck and a crowd of skeletons, but the crowd blocked everything else out of view. Soon, the chanting stopped and a blue glow could be seen, flickering and dancing. Suddenly, a large bolt of lightening hit LeChuck, and began to pulse through him. Then there was a loud shout.
"No!" I cried, running out from my hiding place. "Stop!"
Everyone turned to look at me and Timmy woke and began to cry.
"Guybrush?" growled LeChuck. "What do you want, ya scurvy lubber?"
"I want my Timmy back, now!" I cried heroically. "Please?"
LeChuck simply laughed. "Get rid of this fool," he ordered his crew. As they advanced, I pulled the bottle of root beer I got from the cannibals from my pocket. They all stopped.
"Ah!" I cried. "Ah… ha!" I couldn't think of a suitable line. "Ah!" I repeated weakly.
"What's that?" said LeChuck, a little unsure.
"Root beer," I said. "Would you like some root beer, LeChuck?"
I stepped forwards and the skeletons stepped backwards.
"N-no," stuttered LeChuck. "That's okay, you have it, Guybrush." Fear could be seen on his face. I advanced slowly, removing the bottle top. "Guybrush? Please…"
I shook the bottle, sending a spray of the brown liquid across the room. LeChuck and the skeletons screamed as they were soaked in the substance. Then there was silence. LeChuck stood still with a frozen expression. The bottle dripped its last drops and was empty. I stood and waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually, LeChuck began to laugh again. The skeleton crew joined in. They roared with laughter for several minutes. There was nothing I could do but laugh along with them while Elaine peeled the root beer label from her bottle.
"Ha ha!" I giggled. "That was pretty funny, huh? Hehehe, haha--"
"Silence!" bellowed LeChuck. And there was silence. I swallowed noisily. "Throw 'im in the river!"
"The river?" I asked nervously. "Not the lava river, right? Just the plain old water river, right? Right?"
Two skeletons approached and lifted me from the ground with surprising strength. The carried me over to the river and held me over it for a few moments. I glanced down and fear gripped me.
"Eep," was all I could say. Just before they loosened their grip on my shirt, Elaine burst into the room.
"Wait!" she cried. LeChuck turned to face her.
"Oh, what now?" he grumbled. "Elaine? Darling, what's that you have? Not more root beer?"
"No," said Elaine. "This is not root beer. This is a powerful voodoo potion concocted from the voodoo root that destroyed you in the first game, er, the first time Guybrush killed you."
LeChuck frowned. "But darling…"
"And this time you have no safely buried body to come back in," she continued. "Goodbye, LeChuck!" She removed the bottle top and shook the bottle vigorously.