Guywars  by Josh Vandergriff

Guyvador looks out the window, into space and he lets out a long 
sigh. He remembers back on the days when he was a child and didn't 
have to worry about the elainian empire and the emporess,elaineron. He 
calls to his leuteniant,wally burkmeister from across the room." 
Wally, get over here ! ". Wally being suprised from this unexpected 
yelp, comes to guyvador quickly in fear of punishment otherwise." Yes 
lord guy, what do you need ? ". Guyvador lets out a huge sigh and then 
he lifts his head and stares at wally. His stares comes from a large 
metal mask, made out of paper machete, but still pretty hard, it is an 
evil looking mask and to be stared at by it is like meeting your worst 
fears right in you own bed. Wally shudders and shivers for a few 
instances and then recovers. Guyvador breaths like someone breathing 
out of a paper bag might breath, only without that great lunchy smell. 

Guyvador loves that lunchy smell, which is why he made part of his 
mask out of lunch bags and candy apple sticks. Oh but that smell had 
run out a long time again, but now, he could never remove that mask 
and he knew it. No one knew it, but he did, what horrible thing lied 
behing that mask. Guyvador suddenly lifts his head again and speaks," 
Wally, tell emperoress elaineron that we will be arriving at planet 
SCUMM ball very soon so that we may invade it and take over the 
precious cheese doodle supply ! ". Wally kinda snikers silently and 
then gets serious in fear that vador may use the smortz on him. " Yes
sir, right away, anything else ? ". Guyvador sighs again and says," 
Tell her I love her !! " Wally appears surprised at this and says," 
What sir ??!! "Guybrush sighs and says," Nothing wally, you have your 
orders, do them now !! " With that wally runs off to the com system to 
report and guyvador continues to look out into space, as the planet 
SCUMM bal comes into veiw...

The planet SCUMM ball finally comes into sight and guyvador seems a 
little more pleased than before as he can smell those cheese doodles 
from all the way up there. He smiles behind the mask as what might be 
considered a smile and says," Ahhh cheese doodles, my favorite snaaa 
!! ". Just then, the emporess comes into veiw andsmiles," Hello 
guyvador, you have done well, I am proud of you ! ". Guyvador smiles 
again and touches the hand of the emporess. The emporess draws back 
and sneers," Not ntil the day you take off that stupid mask, until 
then, no hankie pankie with the emporess. She sneers and smiles and 
suddenly turns to the weapons officer and glares at him." You, fire a 
warning shot at planet SCUMM ball !! ". The weapons officer fires 
several shots at the planet and all of them hit vital parts of the 
planet and wipe out many buildings. The emporess is furious and 
guyvador is mad too and suddenly speaks up and says," You idiot, she 
said across the nose, not up it !! ". He turns to them and seems to be 
crosseyed," I'm sorry sir, i'm doing my best, i'll try again ! ". 
Guyvador says," No !! ". The officer smiles and says," Snow, I don't 
think it does that in space, let me check ! ". Guyvador is furious and 
remembers a mad marty, and turns to his leutenant and says," Who is 
that idiot ? ". Wally smiles and says," He's a cheeseball sir . ". 
Guyvador flares and says," I know that, but what's his name ?? ". 
Wally smiles again and says," that is his name sir, private cheeseball 
!!".Guyvador flares again and says," How many cheeseballs we got on 
this ship ?? ". About 3/4 the crew stands up and yells. Guyvador 
stomps and says," I knew it, I'm surrounded by cheeseballs !!! ". He 
stares back out the window at the planet and gives the word to 
commence transporting to the planet...

Guyvador, the emporess, wally and several hundred monkey troopers have 
been beamed down to the planet. They spread out so that they may find 
the cheese doodle supply faster. Guyvador and wally head off to the 
city, while the emporess goes off to the the gudarion forest with 100 
monkey troopers. The other monkey troopers spread out into the plains, 
the mountains and finally to the weapons array arena. Guyvador and 
wally walk for many miles until they get to the city and as they look 
around, they see that the cheeseball's work was really good if he was 
trying to hit evrything. They decide to split up to cover more of the 
city. Wally heads over to the bar and enters. Here he sees many 
ruffiands and many much bigger and stronget than him. He flares and 
screams," I hearby order you to become my slaves in order of guyvador 
!! " They turn to the puny leutenant and hear that he is on eof the 
ones responsible for destroying their city and 5 huge men stand and go 
toward him, wally is scared and worried and starts to cry. It does 
some good cnsidering they back off,but then wally pulls out a laser 
gun and smiles. Not so puny now am I ?,he say without even having to 
say a word, the laser gun tells it all. They raise their hands and 
walk out so that they won't be turned into cheese. Meanwhile, vador 
has entered into a hospital, only this ones different, it isn't full 
of sickpeople, but more of most, is healthy people. Guyvador stares at 
what a dumb display he sees and then one of them come up to him and 
seeem to glare as if they wanna fight, vador is not pleased...

As the emporess and her monkey troopesr enter the forest, they can 
sense as if someone is watching them and some are afraid and soem are 
ready to kill on sight.They begin to walk deeper into the forest until 
they come to a small village made completly out of cheese doodles. The 
emporess smiles and says," Take all the village you can and have the 
rest transported to the ship and have some miners get down here to 
find some more !! ". With that, the village isdemolished in seconds 
and leaving a group of 100 gudarians with sharp cheese fangs and long 
blade-like claws. the troopers and elaine are worried as the gudarians 
raise to attack, but then the troopers raise their rifles and guns and 
blade horses and soon the gudarians are out weaponsed, no matter how 
strong they are andeven though, they attack and soon after many 
fighting and hours, there is only one gudarian of it's kind and 10 
monkey troopers left. They aims and fire upon the creature and it 
falls over dead and as soon as it does, they all turn to cheese 
doodles, each gudarian turns into about 1,000,000 cheese doodles. The 
emporess is very pleased and screams," So this is where all the cheese 
doodles went and are now !! ".Soon hundreds more of troopers andminers 
are on the planet gathering up the doodles quickly.The emporess 
contacts vador so that they can beam back up to the ship...

Guyvador looks at the patient and draws his smortz and his loogie 
saber. The patient draws ever closer to him as time goes by and then 
begins to run at guyvador. Guyvador frowns and prepares himself and 
suddenly the patientstops in front of him and stares at him. Guyvador 
stares at the patient and looks close, oh no, it's stan mouthrunner. 
The arch nemesis of guyvador and someone that guyvador holds a secret 
about him. Guyvador smiles as if he doesn't know him, but stan seems 
to know him and very well.He smiles back and says," Hey long time no 
see fred !! ". Guyvador smiles and says a sigh of relief and then 
says," Oh no, I am guyvador, lord of the cheesedoodles and I know you, 
but I must go, farewell, and until we meet again ! ". With that, 
guyvador's communicator beeps and he picks it up, it's the emporess 
and she tells him that they have stolen the cheesedoodles and are 
ready to go as soon as the bombs are set. He acknowledges her and 
contacts wally to set the bombs and then meet him at the blambor sight 
when he is done. With that guyvador turns and dissappears in a puff of 
smoke.

Wally recieves the message and draws back from the men and runs out 
quickly and on to the bamboo forest and sets up the bomb 
system,kryjack, and then arms them. He then navigates his way through 
the forest and to the meeting place. He sees guyvador just ahead and 
runs even faster to catch up with him before the transport. Guvador 
sees wally as he is running like a rabbit up to him. Wally finally 
catches up to guyvador after a few minutes and sets the transporter to 
transport to the ship. He presses the red button on his belt and they 
dissapate into a pool of slime and suddenly they find themselves on 
the ship facing the emporess and she smiles at them and says," Good 
work my servants ! ". With that she walks out of the bridge and goes 
off to check on the cheese doodles. Leutenant wally walks off to the 
mess hall to get himself a grog sandwich. Guyvador on the other hand 
goes back to hisposition in the window and sighs, he then frowns and 
shouts," Now !! ". The weapons officer presses the fire button and 
suddenly half the planet goes up in a ball of smoke and it colapses on 
itself. Guyvador sighs and returns to sighing again looking out in the 
black void known as space.

Wally recieves the message and draws back from the men and runs out 
quickly and on to the bamboo forest and sets up the bomb 
system,kryjack, and then arms them. He then navigates his way through 
the forest and to the meeting place. He sees guyvador just ahead and 
runs even faster to catch up with him before the transport. Guvador 
sees wally as he is running like a rabbit up to him. Wally finally 
catches up to guyvador after a few minutes and sets the transporter to 
transport to the ship. He presses the red button on his belt and they 
dissapate into a pool of slime and suddenly they find themselves on 
the ship facing the emporess and she smiles at them and says," Good 
work my servants ! ". With that she walks out of the bridge and goes 
off to check on the cheese doodles. Leutenant wally walks off to the 
mess hall to get himself a grog sandwich. Guyvador on the other hand 
goes back to hisposition in the window and sighs, he then frowns and 
shouts," Now !! ". The weapons officer presses the fire button and 
suddenly half the planet goes up in a ball of smoke and it colapses on 
itself. Guyvador sighs and returns to sighing again looking out in the 
black void known as space.

Guyvador gets up after sleeping on the floor for about two hours and 
then looks at hisofficers in embarrasment. He then sits down in his 
chair and presses a orange button, which sends them into orbit and he 
gets up from there and looks out the window, he smirks and then says," 
Prepare room for transport to the planet's surface !! ". They prepare 
and he heads off to the transport room and steps on the transporter 
with a few hundred monkey troopers and the leutinant and the 
emperoress. On the planet, they split up and go off into different 
directions to find largyoda faster and the supply of fruit cocktails 
to destroy it for good. After many hours of searching and many times, 
getting hit in the face with branches and fleas crawling all over 
them, they finally reach the head quarters of largyoda, along side the 
house is a large three story warehouse full of the nasty and totally 
unedible fuit cocktail and especially with cherries in it. They send 
the storm troopers in the factory to burn and sac it of anything good, 
while the three enter largyoda's hut and as they enter, he turns to 
them and stares an aweful gleam at them and fires on them with a blast 
from the fortz, and they scream in surprise...

Guyvador blocks it with his power and then freezes largyoda with a 
beam of black light causing him to become powerless, guyvador laughs 
an evil grin and and then hears the explosion from the factory and 
hears the smell of burnt cocktail and he giggles with delight. 
Largyoda cringes with disappointment and cries a little and then 
goesunconscious. They aim and fire at him, killing him dead and then 
they drop him into a sea of rotton fruit cocktail. He sinks and blood 
gurgles up from the juice. They laugh with glee and leave to the west, 
as they do, the monkey troopers come in and give them a laser blaster 
and a remote control to something which might be important and so they 
take it and transport back to the ship. At the ship, they press a 
bright brown button and a large beam fires onthe planet and the planet 
explodes in a bright ball of light." Raise shields and hard to port, 
take us to altenia snotty, to where stan is, NOW !! ". They turn away 
from the planet and set coordinates tothe planet and go to light speed 
andspeed off to kill stan, the final link in guyvador's horrible past 
!!

After much hours of searching and riding, they were about to end it 
with one bloody and quick strike, although slow and painful for stan. 
The finally arrive at the planet and go into orbit, then in orbit, 
they set transporter coordinates to the planet's surface of the the 
keronian bar and head to the transporter room. They beam down to the 
surface and head inside the bar. They look around the room in search 
of stan, who knows how strong he may be now, with largyoda's training 
and guidance. They walk up to him and amonket trooper taps him on the 
shoulder and stan slashes him with a ring of solace. Tey back up and 
stan starts talking at incredible speeds, almost not audible and it 
starts to daze and then confuse the troopers until they all fall into 
a trance and then die from brain stop. Wally starts to fall over and 
then he does and this one is fatal as well, the emporess tells 
guyvador to stop him quickly before he kills them too. Guyvador holds 
up his hand and a huge ball of fire hits stan and knocks him into a 
wall, guyvador goes up to stan and says," Wait, I have something I 
need to tell you ! "....

 Guyvador looks at stan and says," Before we continue, I must tell you 
something, search your feelings for you know it will be true, you were 
my annoying salesman of boats, coffins and insurance !! ". Stans eyes 
open wide and he almost cries,he shouts," Nooooooooooooooooo !!!! ". 
Guyvador shouts," Yes !! ". Stan starts his rings up and a large blue 
beam zaps from it, then vador does the same and a red beam comes out 
of his." I see you have the ring, and I see your sword is as big as 
mine, now let's see how you handle it !! ". Guyvador shouts," Join us 
or die!! ". Stan frowns and shouts," I will never join your group, 
ever !! ". Guyvador shouts," You must, it is you cheese destiny !! ". 
With that, vador starts clashing sword with stan and the battle goes 
on for a very long time until stan is no longer able to hold up 
against vador and he collapses and vador stabs stan through the chest 
and he falls over dead and crumbles on the ground. Now guyvador 
transports back to the ship with the emporess and takes off his mask 
at last, saying that it is time, she knew the secret. He reveals his 
mask and a zit is on guybrush's nose," I have been hiding it all these 
years because I ws ashamed, i'm sorry !! ". Elaine looks at him and 
laughs, dummy, don't you know they developed pimpel creme about 100 
years ago !!! ". Guybrush looks at her and hsi mouth drops open wide 
and he says," AHHHHHHHHHH !!! ". She kisses him and tells him," we can 
go get some tomorrow ok?? ". He nods and they walk off with a new life 
and all the cheese doodles they cam eat, then guybrush says," Wait, 
don't cheesedoodles cause pimples ?? " and then he screams as the 
screen fades on this duo for now....or does it

The end